relief...

so had a lengthy conversation with brian today. it went well, yes there were tears on my part, but when i care about someone as much as i care about him, i don't really see how there couldn't be tears. i feel much better now about our relationship, having gone over everything i felt insecure (and even partly jealous) about. he told me about his friendship with cat, his feelings for me, & how he really wanted to be with me (although he keeps saying i deserve better). we also discussed how i felt like he was holding back in our relationship, maybe because he was afraid i was going to let him down. i will never let him down. nor will i ever back out on him or let him fall. just as he would do the same for me. he would take care of me no matter what, i realize that now. he wants to take care of me and make sure i'm safe and happy, no matter at what cost. as i want to do the same for him. i realized so many things about us and him and me that puts me at ease. and then going to bible study helped me see a lot, too. there are so many things in our relationship that have yet to come up, especially things with brian's future in the ministry & going through the ordination process. but these are things that we'll discuss when they come. he says he'll never hide anything from me, nor does he want me to hide things from him. and i don't ever want to feel jealous of anything, including his friendship with cat (i don't want him to stop being friends with her, i only wish i could have had a friendship of some kind with jeremy). i'm looking forward to going to his house for thanksgiving and spending time with him and his family. i can't wait to see what it's like.

thinking...

Imagine my hurt and surprise when I found out the other night that my boyfriend still had feelings for his ex. Not only that, but feelings possibly strong enough to the point where he might want to be with her again. I don't know what to say or what I should think but I'll tell you how I've been feeling since then. Like I want to have a nervous breakdown. I sat in Milton class yesterday on the brink of tears while we're discussing "Paradise Lost" because I didn't know what I should do. I cried on the way back from the Cingular store on the bus to south campus because I felt so lost. I've gone around it and over it in my mind dozens of times, but still haven't figured out it all exactly.

It hurts because of how much I care about him. It hurts because I keep thinking that he will might never care about me as much as I care about him because he's still in love with her. He asked me if I still had feelings for my ex, but I can honestly say I don't. Every feeling I have is for him, my boyfriend, he's the one I'm with right now and want to be with for a long time. It's just that now I'm not sure how long "a long time" will be. True, neither one of know what is in our futures or what it is we really want yet to happen in life, but I would like at least a little bit of security. And somehow I don't feel all that secure.

I keep thinking that I can't keep him from what he really wants/needs. I can't pretend that everything is the way it should be if I'm really not what is to be; like I'm a stop on a journey before reaching the final destination. The truth of the matter is, he very well might end up with her and there is nothing I can do about that. But the other thing is that I want to be with him while he figures things out. While we both figure things out; and whether we belong in each other's lives. It wouldn't be right of me to care about him and us if I didn't want to stay here and love him, care about him, be there for him. And in the process of figuring things out, he could very well realize the one he truly wants to be with is her, his ex. I don't know what I would do at that point if that were the case. It all depends on how emotionally involved/evolved I am by then. I hope that moment never comes, but then again, I am the eternal optimist. My motto is to try to live life one day at a time, never really stressing too much about the future. Trying to live by that... Right now I'm just a little uneasy/uncertain because of what he's told me. I suppose it's okay to feel uncertain, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel lost. What do I do?