i think i've been sufficiently numbed to disappointment. sad to say, but it happens, you know?

life has been a series of disappointments for me lately, one thing after another. it's been running like that since december. and now i just sit and take it.

in the beginning i cried a lot. and i protested it, every little change and thing i didn't like. but that doesn't get you anywhere, so i realized. i've since stopped that method and gone on to the silent acceptance that life will continue having its way with me and there's nothing i can do about it. i cry occasionally when things become too much. i think i've cried twice in the past 2 weeks, sort of related to the same thing. before then it was about something else. and i know that there is probably more to come as the semester goes on...

i feel like i'm just letting go to different parts of my life. so as it should be?

i can't do anything with brian right now, time will only tell with that. and i'm ruining matt's life just trying to be his friend, interfering in all his business just because i think i can be that age once again and do everything over. i realize now how much i would have done differently in the past 3 years. i just need to let him be him and have his fun and figure out what he wants and stop trying to insert myself somewhere in there. i guess if that means just not talking to him anymore and not being friends then that's what will have to happen.

i hate life right now.

gosh, i've had so much going on lately. my life is in shambles i swear. i'm worn down and worn out, i don't know what to do. so many issues with school and life and guys, i can't make heads or tails of it. and i can't shake this cold, it's been bothering me for forever. i struggle to make it to class in the morning cause all i really want to do is sleep. i feel so LAZY! gah! i'm wondering sometimes if it's more than laziness though.

i stopped talking to brian. or at least i'm trying to. the effort keeps getting ruined by the fact that i can't avoid running into him some places, some times. but i decided i am not going back to pcm because i just can't do it anymore. i tried, and i don't feel welcome. and i don't feel like we're friends. there was this period of time during doing the show that i was so busy i didn't have time to think about him, but now that i'm done with the show, everything's come back to me full force. it hit on thursday like a ton of bricks. and it hurt, so much to the point that i cried on the p2p on the way home.

it's not just things with him that are bothering me. it's things with matt that are bothering me too.

as much as i try to tell him that things are bothering me and what exactly is going on, i feel like the subject in question is constantly avoided. it upsets me how i feel. i shouldn't feel this way. but i can't stop. what do i do about how i feel?

every now and then i think i'm going to slip up and say the wrong thing.

i'm acting like a child. i'm jealous, so jealous and i shouldn't be.

i feel like our friendship has been ruined and i hate that. so much uncomfortableness and awkwardness and formality! why? i wish things could go back to how they were before, i mean, even before february even got here. just four weeks ago things were OKAY with us, and now so much has happened that four weeks have turned into eternity.

i just want to have a normal conversation, have normal feelings where i don't feel like a jerk for everything.

a return to the ages

i think if maybe i can find time, i'll come back to this eventually, i realized the other day that i need writing again to release all this frustration building up. i need to start writing so i'll know how i feel, even if nobody else will. i miss poetry. and fiction.