rainy days

rainy days are good for naps. right now i wish i could take one. but i have to stay awake for another 50 minutes so i can check out residents here in ehaus south. i've been here for 5 hours and only checked out 5 residents...so not too terribly exciting.

rainy days also make me sad and nostalgic. i wake up in the morning to the sound of rain falling on the balcony outside and i just have to lie there and think for a while. i used to think it was so beautiful, the way it washed all the dirt and such away and made everything cleaner, but now the rain holds so much deeper, more painful meaning. just like i'm foreboding when the air gets cool again in the fall and the moon comes out full and big as a dinnerplate. those nights will haunt me now as well. i can't watch a carolina baseball game without thinking of the night we snuck into the stadium and it was almost a full moon there. the memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will make me smile with the tenderness and excitement of the moment, but then in their absence, i'll remember i don't have those moments now. i'll think of you with both a smile on my face but tears in my eyes because only you have managed to touch my heart that way. i love you, i can't deny that, as much as i've tried to ignore the feeling or forget it...i try to hide it with little success. and now that you're leaving i wonder if it will make it easier to forget, which in itself is a dangerous thing. you're one i can't forget, leaving such a impressionable mark on my heart. to do without you in my life would be painful. i just don't know how the future will play out for you, for me, for us (if a possibility)...

but if i have to wait 3/4 years to be able to see you again and see how you feel...i don't give a damn what else happens in the meantime. i might be sad, and i might complain, but i just gotta wait and see...i can't give up on that possibility...i'm sorry. there's just something in the way that i feel about you that won't let me let it go that easily. perhaps there's a greater reason for that that neither you or i understand. we just need to wait and see...promise me you'll try to see that.

i do love you--very much. and i can't describe how much i will miss you once you've gone and you're not within 15 min reach. i don't know how things will be without you and i being close. i just hope it matters.

the beginning of the end

and so it goes...i title this post thusly because i realize that within a few days, everything will be very different in my life. not just because i'm not graduating (or at least i think i won't be doing so on time), but because a lot of people i know are going to be graduating and leaving chapel hill. forever. i hate to think of how things are going to be different. and somehow a few people aren't realizing the full implication of it all, no matter how much i try to explain it.

b--i can't even begin to say how much i will miss you. right now i can't even imagine what i will do without you in my life. i love you so much hon, and it pains me to have to say goodbye. so i won't. this is only until i see you again.

m--hey you, you should know that things will never be the same for us, no matter how things wind up this summer/next year. our friendship (as we know it) is forever altered. i wish that it didn't have to be so complicated, but i know that circumstances aren't really going to allow for that. my feeling is that with us, i might have to say goodbye, as much as i don't want that to happen...but i feel something terrible brewing...