Yikes. I am old. Now 23, I feel like my life has taken on new meaning...so many new things to think about.

Excited because I have an interview with Chapel Hill/Carrboro Schools in roughly 12 hours. And on Thursday, I will be tutoring over at Chapel Hill High, woot! Not to mention I'll have an individual gig tutoring a high school girl in Biology every other week. The interview tomorrow is for the afterschool program in the school system, working with the little kids: playing games, doing fun activities, basically a lot of fun stuff with the kids. And these are elementary school kids, so lots of energy involved. I hope that will go well.

This might mark the beginning of my luck turning around, because we all know it hasn't been great as of late...

I guess I am also adding East Carolina and Appalachian State to my list of graduate schools, but I don't know how likely it is I could get into Appalachian...that is probably the #1 school for education in this state, wow. But I guess I will have to wait and see.

A week from tomorrow I'll be 23. Yikes. I am old.

Graduate school or ...?

So, after much research, I narrowed down my graduate school choices to 3 schools: UNC, Duke, and NC State. I know people who know me would be like "how could you go to Duke or State after going to UNC?" Well, I know plenty of people who went here for undergrad that are now going to Duke and State for graduate programs. It just so happens that those are the only two schools I found in this area that have MAT programs, instead of M.Ed. programs that are for already licensed teachers. I'd like to stay in this area if at all possible, with all of my friends here and everything I know. I've worked too hard to form connections here to leave it all behind and try to start somewhere new.
I am now just very nervous about applying to graduate school, because I have no idea what my chances are of getting in. Sure, the department websites post their expectations and requirements, but it's really hard to say what they are looking at more in your application. I pray that I will get into one of my choices, preferably UNC, but I will happily accept wherever will accept me.

Honestly?

The conflict is almost too much. Debating between going with your heart and arguing with your brain about going with your emotions is so consuming and confusing!

I've always told people to go with their heart in what they do, to trust their feelings and not over-think things; but yet when it comes to myself, I can't follow the same sentiments. Funny thing is, I can give advice all the time, but I can't seem to heed it or accept it when it's parroted back to me. It's so hard for us ourselves to see what is the necessary thing to do; while others around us can more easily perceive what a good option might be. It leads me to think that we are all just a bunch of walking, talking oxymoronic people, fighting between reason and emotion, and neither side really winning.

It is hard for us to stand at a crossroads and try to make a decision; to pick a path to travel down and a destination to (hopefully) journey towards. Because once you pick your path, it's kinda hard to backtrack and try to take the other one. Even if you were lucky enough to find another exit that would take you to where you need to be, somehow you've lost time, patience, faith, etc. in what you were trying to achieve. But in the end, I figure it's better to be travelers than to be stuck at an intersection trying to figure out if you're lost or not.

But the thing is, sometimes we live in fear of what to do--whether to trust our heads or hearts in what we do--because we're so afraid that what we decide might hurt the people we care about most. Hypothetically, these people wouldn't care in the least because they would still be there for you after the fact...but you never know. Of course, it is devastating to find out that people aren't what you thought; that they hid important information from you for the fear of what you might think of them. I think I would rather have people be honest with me right off the bat and tell me what they're thinking, rather than finding out these things later, when the pain of knowing is far more magnified. It just leaves you to wonder how much honesty IS the best policy, with the caveat that it could mess everything up until that point of revelation of truth. And that is the dilemma that we are faced with, sometimes on an almost daily basis.

That is something that I have to figure out for myself...what is the right thing to do.

beautiful song...listen to it sometime

"Angels Or Devils"
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are
we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
-and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

Did you ever have something that you wished you could tell someone, but you realize it would undo everything that you had worked for up to that moment?

I have that problem at this moment. I hate that.

I always knew that everyone I loved and cared about would betray me someday. I just didn't know when, or how it would happen. After all I've given to all my friends, especially to those I consider most special and important to me, it just gets thrown back in my face. I honestly don't know why I even bother with it anymore.

You all are going to be very sorry you ever crossed me and made me upset when I'm not here anymore for your apologies.

I wonder if people even miss me anymore. I know I say it to people I talk to all the time, because I really do miss them and wish I could see them more and spend more time with them. Also because I care about them tons and think they are all special. I just don't say it to anyone. Do people miss me when I'm not with them? Or have I become annoying and commonplace?

M. said the nicest thing I think I have ever heard him say in our friendship the other night, in reference to our friendship. What he said was so nice it was beautiful to hear it, almost made me cry with the sheer sincerity of the statement. I don't think I can accurately capture what that was here though. I'm sorry. But know it was important, and significant.