"september"

fresh-cut wild onions
hit my nose as soon
as my feet hit the porch
the screen door comes back
to catch me
before i put my jacket on.
leaves crumble beneath my flip-flops
as i trudge
to the bus stop,
soon my toes will be begging
for socks
and sensible shoes,
the ends of my pants
rolled further and further
down
until their distressed ends
sweep like little brooms
across the ground.
the onions are brisk,
woody,
and spicy.
the leaves smell like dust--
when i kick them up,
i sneeze, out of habit.
the dirt outside my apartment
has been freshly tilled;
brown and golden,
clay and earth.
it doesn't yet smell like death.

"in secret"

And I will hide
in the darkest corners
in the shadows where you can't find me.
And I will watch
enviously
as you live and breathe
in the sunlight.
Let me close my eyes against the bright,
pack up my things, store these feelings
in boxes,
let me stow away the memories.
I want to be somewhere so far away
in a place where
you can't touch me,
nor find me with your prying eyes.
I am no longer your inconvenience
nor your easy answer...convenience...
to the desires in your head.
I know you see right through me
(but) never really seeing instead,
you see something I can never hope to be.
My breath wasted, my time running thin,
I don't know why I'm taking space here...
I should be somewhere, just not here.

starting fresh (?)

so i started my "rehab" today. it's not easy, but no one ever said it would be. but i needed to make some decisions, and i made them...of course, the result might not be liked by some, but odds are they won't even notice...

i realized when i was sitting in my car early sunday morning, crying in the dark, slightly drunk, with my "sad songs" playlist going on my ipod cause it fit my mood...that things needed to be different. i knew. i knew that the status quo would never be different, no matter how much i wanted it to be or tried to direct it to be. i knew that i should have left that party several drinks earlier, when i was only slightly tipsy. i knew that i shouldn't have let myself give into a false sense of security in order to feel "comforted," if only for a few minutes...i knew i shouldn't leave myself open any longer to be hurt or used, just because i was there and very convenient

cause sooner or later you realize you can't keep putting up the front that everything is okay...smiling through your tears and pain only lasts for so long before you break...until someone/something affects you in such a way that you just explode...

and i don't want to explode...or implode again for that matter...

so i have to say goodbye. i have to do this so that i can get you out of me, out of my mind, my skin, my heart. i realized something else that night...how much you don't need me anymore. i'm just filling space between the ideal you want and what you have at this moment...and i'm beginning to see that i don't need that pain anymore...

we have seemed to grow out of each other.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

my apologies m.

things are falling

the weather today makes me happy to realize that fall is certainly coming to chapel hill once again. the official start of autumn is saturday, but i don't mind if the weather responds in kind sooner than that! of course, this is also the time of year when i tend to become more nostalgic than the other 3/4 of the year...only a few know why.

on another note, this whole friendship situation is very near about to implode...but he doesn't seem to realize it yet.

the things we do to ourselves

tell me where we went wrong
tell me why i miss you so
and where did you go?

the clouds are coming in
the rain starts to fall
and with it goes my smile.

tell me why we fell apart
tell me how we failed ourselves
how did we make this?

every time i think maybe
this could be the time you let me in
i run into your mirrors once again

tell me why the smoke and games
tell me who's got the blame
for what we do to each other

something brighter has caught your eye
that's the only reason i can see
that explains the way we're acting

tell me why we grow up
tell me how we've grown apart
we can't see eye-to-eye anymore

i wanted to be there for you
and to have you here for me
but all that's here is emptiness (where you stood).

the nature of girlfriends

over the past few weeks i have come to realize how much more important girlfriends are in comparison to guys in a gal's life. girlfriends won't think of you only as a sexual object, they won't ditch you to make out with other guys, and they genuinely want to hang out with you and have conversations on a regular basis--especially in-depth ones about serious topics!

i do realize though that for the longest time, i seemed to be acruing more guy friends than girl friends, just because i found it easier to talk to guys and get along with them...i guess that came from growing up with my little brother. and being in serious relationships with guys for extended periods of time meant i had that built-in guy friend i could talk to about anything. but once i wasn't in a relationship anymore, i found i still needed a guy friend (one that could be a really good one i hoped) because i enjoyed having that perspective in my life. i thought i had two really good guy friends i could count on, each with different perspectives on life and with different experiences i shared with them...but as of late, it's like the distance between me and them has grown to be an ocean...i don't feel like we connect anymore, sadly.

but i am most greatful to megan for this past weekend and reaffirming my need for positive girls in my life, rather than guys who serve no purpose but to upset me. she and i have so many in-depth and insightful conversations, it really helps to just put things in perspective with her. she calls me her personal psychiatrist, but she is also mine!

it's so hard sometimes for us to step outside ourselves and see what we're doing wrong and what can be improved...but this weekend, i really got that chance to see how i fit in with the rest of the people i surround myself with, and those that i meet through others. i also saw how being in two different worlds affects people and how they act...mainly just a difference between the world of chapel hill versus the world of charlotte...the two are both home to universities, but totally different personas and atmospheres! (to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, "well duh," just humor me.) it's really a shock between the two cultures that exist even with a common group made of college students. unc charlotte exists in like an alternate universe than chapel hill. i guess that's why unc chapel hill attracts certain people and retains them, and why some of those who start at carolina end up going somewhere else (because they don't feel connected to what the school atmosphere is like). connecting to the place you attend school is a major part of actually liking it and being involved in it, it helps you adjust better with that transition between high school and college. i think the people we surround ourselves with are determined greatly by the atmosphere that we embed ourselves in, too. we pick our friends based on the people who can relate the best with us and share in our experiences and the environment they live in.

but having good girl friends really helps you see things a lot clearer, especially in that hazy realm of guys. even when i'm convinced that i can't see around a problem i'm having with one, i've been presented with a solution due to a girl friend having a great idea! girls really do stick together to keep their friends from getting hurt. i appreciate my girlfriends being there for me, to have fun and be silly when i'm sad. :)

how to break up with your best friend

"Make new friends. Keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Surely everyone has heard that song before, maybe even sung it at camp or whatnot. But as I recall those words, their meaning sadly reflects onto the current situation.

I don't know how well I can put into words what I wanted to express here...this is the only way I know how...


For You

I am sad
that this is how life goes
when we grow up,
we grow apart from the things
that we used to know.
I am sorry for what happened
that changed everything,
even though
I am not sure what that was.
You should know I miss you
and the way we were
when our friendship began.
I don't know where or when things went wrong,
I just remember the times we fought
and the times you made me smile.
You showed me so much,
blessed me with your wisdom,
and gave me so much comfort when I cried
and when I hurt, even if it might have been over you.
Thank you for being there for me
even when everyone else walked away
and let me down.
I hope that you find
what you're looking for,
maybe a truer friend than I could ever be...
I'll never know.
So I wish you
goodbye, good luck, I send my love.