poetry. it's what heals the soul.

foolish dreams

i've got to give up on so many foolish dreams,
get back to reality,
which isn't always as it seems.
i've tried so hard to make you see
how sincere i am about how i feel
and where i want to be when i'm with you.
what i want is something more
but time isn't right for this, i suppose
nor is my luck and other things i don't know.
i've tried to make amends for what i've done
spent so much time tending to what you want
and ask for so little in return
that it's almost insane.
i wonder, where can i go from here?
what can we call what we have together
if nothing but a friendship without means to grow,
nowhere to go but in circles.
we live like parallel lines, never touching,
going in different directions to meet our ends.
we live with different purposes,
short-term and long-term goals conflicting,
along with feelings.
it's hard to forgive yourself for making a mistake
such as the one i have made with you.
take it back to erase the pain
and the point in which we crossed that line
between best friends and opposites?
given the chance
for a spotless mind,
a clearer conscience,
less baggage and wear and tear...
i think i would.
just so i could look at you
and not feel so guilty for the things
that have happened.
just so i could not feel so angry
to know what's going on
that i can't compete with;
the one thing that i wish i could have
but i will never obtain.
that temptation is dangling in my face,
mocking me every day i wake up
and pretend like things are okay--
like i don't care about who you are
or what you do,
like i don't think about you every ten moments
and what you do
when you tell me goodbye in a hurry
and i feel like i'm getting rushed
and shifted down the list.
here i am, wide open,
my heart pouring out and evaporating;
(ben folds said it best)--
always open, hoping that my willingness
to give it all up to you
would find me in your good graces someday;
someday i would wake up in the beam of your smile
and know that i could tell you how i feel about you
without an exasperated sigh on your part.
i can only dream of that now.
i can only cry myself to sleep thinking of the lucky one
who has that privilege.
i can only die a little more inside
with every day i see you, and her,
and watch the way you are that you will never be with me.
and i can smile and pretend that my friendship with you
is so special,
and that it sustains me well enough.
i can pretend like i'm okay with three-quarters of you.
i can now only give three-quarters of myself to you.
the other part evaporated when you broke my heart.
you only get what you give.
you only lose what you give up.
i give up on the foolish dreams.