Moving forward...

...is what people do. You can't go back, you can't return to a past incarnation of yourself and think that rolling back the clock is going to change the way you are. People rarely go back to the way they used to be; if anything, they can change further from who they are currently. (So are the wise words of a really awesome friend of mine.) I used to think that if I was patient enough, then the traits of someone I used to know would reemerge when that time came around. I am beginning to see that that probably isn't likely to happen; if anything, he will keep as he is, and perhaps change more into what of he never was before. This is exactly what I, and others, don't want to see, but we cannot keep him from changing or being who he is. But I dare think that anyone really agrees, accepts, or can compromise with the transformation.

In the process of changing, we end up pushing away those that we are close to, simply because they don't know how to react to the changes. I for one cannot find where I fit in this person's life anymore, I don't even know if there is a spot meant for me to have, for perhaps time has made our friendship incompatible. It is sad but true--people do grow out of each other. Friends spend so much time together at one point, but then can grow apart when they want different things from life and enter different points of their lives. Space is probably one of the most damaging things to a relationship (and that includes friendships). For it is the space that is created between friends when they discover new things and new people in their lives that ends up pushing them apart. Space creates uncertainty, doubt, assumption, and consequently, distrust, anger, and fear.

We fear so often that the ones we care about most will leave us, in one circumstance or another. Death, an invitable occurence, is something that can be dealt with in one's own way, and gradually accepted. But to have a friend leave and part ways with you for reasons you can't quite understand, is something as equally painful as the passing of a loved one. Because for in death, there is life through rememberance of that person. But without the love of our most beloved companions, life is bleak and empty. There is no closure if a friend just leaves, if the friendship "dies" from space inserted into its fabric...the one left is stuck wondering how things could have ended that way, and she questions herself and her worth as a person in the ability to be a good friend.

In an homily a few weeks ago at a friend's student Catholic mass, the priest said that so often we question how "good" we are as people and how much worth we possess when it comes to being viewed by others. After a breakup or a rejection, we literally tear ourselves to pieces wondering what we did wrong, or what is wrong with us that made us fail in whatever we put ourselves into. Given this, how can one have the faith to keep putting her heart into everything she feels is important? It is difficult to have to deal with a rejection and then try to turn around and make an effort for something else, because you know that even though you should be optimistic and give everything an equal chance, it is almost not worth the effort to put your trust and faith in something else that might end up hurting you in the end. I have this problem. I question my worth as a person and I wonder exactly what I mean to the people I surround myself with. To whom am I just a friend, just an acquaintance, a best friend, something more...the questions are endless. For a person with self-confidence issues...the events of the past few weeks have done nothing but to add to my guilt that maybe something is wrong with me, and for that, I am not desirable. I wonder if there is something I am not doing right, because otherwise I wouldn't be having so much trouble with guys. And so I questioned if I was even "good" after all. I know I've done some things that I am not proud of, but I try to live my life without many regrets. I just wonder if those things are now haunting me for choosing a life of someone "not good."

Tonight in the homily, the priest posed the question: "How much pain and misery is a person willing to go through before he realizes that a simple change of heart would fix the problem?" I felt again as if he was speaking directly to me, and knew the pain that my heart was feeling. God does know of the difficulties of the past few months, and I wonder if the way things have been unfolding in the past few weeks is His way of telling me my time here is complete. I am starting to wonder yet again if it is time for me to move on from Chapel Hill, because the chapter that I started with my coming here for college in 2002 is now coming to a close. My trying to extend my time here, at the insistence of others that I stay, isn't being met easily by the plans I try to make. God does know what is best for me, and perhaps that is waiting for me somewhere outside of this town. Perhaps separation from what is bothering me will help to ease the pain and help the healing. I know that staying in Chapel Hill won't keep me from having to deal with everything that has been bothering me; I risk being exposed to it time and time again, even if I just tried to ignore it. How much more pain am I willing to endure through all this before I have "a change of heart" and fix these problems?

My change of heart started when I began thinking that I needed to end my unhealthy friendship. But unfortunately, it is not as easy as walking away, as I would be led to think by some. Like I have said earlier, it is hard to walk away from the people you care about the most, for it is like ripping a giant hole in your heart that can't be completely filled again--there are always jagged edges and rough scars. When a friend irrevocably breaks the bonds of friendship and loses your trust, it becomes a little easier to separate yourself from that person. (I have the tendency of making excuses for people because I care about them, and defending that person to others because of my feelings.)

So many times I've defended Matt against everyone else because I care about him, and because I know the way that he and I have been in the past...I remember the Matt I knew from last year when we first met, the Matt that had the gentle side and who wasn't afraid to express how he really felt. I feel like now I get the closed-off version, because so much has changed in his life, and in mine. But I would like to think that if anything, our friendship would grow stronger through all of that. I think what I miss the most out of everything in our friendship from last year was the passion. His passion for our friendship was so evident in him fighting to keep me on the right side of things; it was so intense at times that I would cry from the fact that it scared me to see someone so full of life and caring as he was. I don't get that much, if any, anymore. I don't think I really get the desire for him to be a fighter any longer...I think it's more of a "do what you want because it doesn't matter to me" kind of attitude. There is no effort on his part, other than an attempt to convince me that I wouldn't be better off without him--but I get no real reason why I should stay. My importance in his life as a friend has been limited further and further as the year goes on. I am tired of making all the effort to spend time with him, and do things with him, and be upset over issues we have, all because I care so much. I want him to start making that effort. It would be wonderful if he could take initiative and actually demonstrate that he wanted me in his life for this reason or that reason while showing it too. It would be nice to know that perhaps I was as necessary to his well-being and happiness as a person as the girl he currently courts. For now, I feel like an accessory that is used occasionally and gathers dust otherwise. No one is guaranteed anything, and people are especially not guaranteed their friendships if they don't work for them.

Perhaps it is time that I begin moving forward, instead of looking back, and rolling deeper into my misery. Maybe I could find a different evolution of myself in the process, a self I could be happier with in knowing that I am stronger because of all of this.