To be "almost honest"

I changed the title of my blog again, but I think this reflects things more accurately. Plus, that song by Josh Kelley has been perpetually stuck in my head.

I think a lot of times when we talk to people, even the ones we are closest to, we are "almost honest." I know that our friends and family expect us to be completely honest with them about what's going on, but sometimes the littlest bit of yourself needs to be kept to yourself. Otherwise you just have everything hanging out there for people to see, use and abuse, and there's no personal bit of yourself left. I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to people about what I think or what's going on, but I might keep some things to myself that I only really want myself to know. I feel like so many people would look at me differently if they knew what I know, and I don't want that to be the case.

Truth is, there are some things I can never share with the rest of the world. Only a trusted few have been lucky to hear some of the crazy things that have been going on with me, because I know that they understand, and would never share that information with others. (As much as I've been told that I need to talk to some individuals about stuff that would be greatly helpful to know, I just can't bring myself to make those confessions.)

Only God really knows and understands the pain, the weakness, the deepest secrets in my heart. I pray that He will help me through these difficult times.

It seems that there's been no break from difficult moments these past few months...pretty much since the new year started it's been one thing or another; one trial or another to wreak havoc on me. I hope that somewhere in here there is a break; something that will allow me to stand up and dust myself off and maybe to get going again. I know that He's testing me for something yet to come, but He knows that I'm not the strongest person ever...I'm rather fragile emotionally. I don't know how many more tests I can endure, God, I don't want to break again.

I thought I had felt pain before this, but this is twice as bad. It's almost like having a relationship break up and losing a close friendship at the same time, a double whammy to the gut. The pain cuts deeper, I feel more lost, and more haunted by time than before. You care about every person differently; you love each person you fall in love with differently, as well. No one emotion is ever the same in the realm of love. The people you love make certain of that. And there is no trying to love someone new the way you loved in the past--it could never work because you end up trying to make comparisons between the old and the new. (That ends up driving you and the one you care about apart, trying to hold him/her up to expectations that are completely unique to each person in your life.)

Something from the Bible has really jumped out at me during this time. (I've spent more time recently delving into the Bible and finding passages that help me to try and understand what's going on in life these days, and also invested more time in church lately than I have been in the past. It really does help.)

Matthew 16:26: What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

I feel like this helps to reinforce my point that everyone should try to keep a little of himself or herself to themselves at times, and not give out everything that they have, for there is nothing left if they do. By giving up your soul to gain everything that you ever wanted in the world, you are giving up your essence as a person and taking on whatever evils you open yourself up to. In addition, there has to be a limit to how much of yourself you give to people you care about, otherwise you just run the risk of expending yourself to the point of emptiness. (Like I feel now, sadly.) You can only invest so much emotionally (and physically) in your endeavors before you have to step back and call it quits...I am so there now.