relief...

so had a lengthy conversation with brian today. it went well, yes there were tears on my part, but when i care about someone as much as i care about him, i don't really see how there couldn't be tears. i feel much better now about our relationship, having gone over everything i felt insecure (and even partly jealous) about. he told me about his friendship with cat, his feelings for me, & how he really wanted to be with me (although he keeps saying i deserve better). we also discussed how i felt like he was holding back in our relationship, maybe because he was afraid i was going to let him down. i will never let him down. nor will i ever back out on him or let him fall. just as he would do the same for me. he would take care of me no matter what, i realize that now. he wants to take care of me and make sure i'm safe and happy, no matter at what cost. as i want to do the same for him. i realized so many things about us and him and me that puts me at ease. and then going to bible study helped me see a lot, too. there are so many things in our relationship that have yet to come up, especially things with brian's future in the ministry & going through the ordination process. but these are things that we'll discuss when they come. he says he'll never hide anything from me, nor does he want me to hide things from him. and i don't ever want to feel jealous of anything, including his friendship with cat (i don't want him to stop being friends with her, i only wish i could have had a friendship of some kind with jeremy). i'm looking forward to going to his house for thanksgiving and spending time with him and his family. i can't wait to see what it's like.