starting fresh (?)

so i started my "rehab" today. it's not easy, but no one ever said it would be. but i needed to make some decisions, and i made them...of course, the result might not be liked by some, but odds are they won't even notice...

i realized when i was sitting in my car early sunday morning, crying in the dark, slightly drunk, with my "sad songs" playlist going on my ipod cause it fit my mood...that things needed to be different. i knew. i knew that the status quo would never be different, no matter how much i wanted it to be or tried to direct it to be. i knew that i should have left that party several drinks earlier, when i was only slightly tipsy. i knew that i shouldn't have let myself give into a false sense of security in order to feel "comforted," if only for a few minutes...i knew i shouldn't leave myself open any longer to be hurt or used, just because i was there and very convenient

cause sooner or later you realize you can't keep putting up the front that everything is okay...smiling through your tears and pain only lasts for so long before you break...until someone/something affects you in such a way that you just explode...

and i don't want to explode...or implode again for that matter...

so i have to say goodbye. i have to do this so that i can get you out of me, out of my mind, my skin, my heart. i realized something else that night...how much you don't need me anymore. i'm just filling space between the ideal you want and what you have at this moment...and i'm beginning to see that i don't need that pain anymore...

we have seemed to grow out of each other.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

my apologies m.