"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."

Sadly, that song really fits my pain right now. I feel like I've lost a friend. I know I've at least am trying to put one out of my head at the moment. Someone who was very important to me, but now is too painful to have in my life.

The other I'm not sure how much more I can endure pain from. It's almost a given, that every time I hang out with this person, something happens that gives me even more reason why I shouldn't stay. Of course, I haven't said that yes, this is the reason why I wanted to leave Chapel Hill. I'm not saying that. But it is hard to imagine myself next year in the presence of this person, I don't know how that would be. I don't know if it would be a repeat of this year, with the way things happened. I don't know if I would have to deal with some of the same crap and be angered by it again. I can't say if there is more pain yet to come...I'm not sure if I can endure any more of that though. It's definitely difficult right now for me to deal with all this, to go from day to day never knowing which is the last day that you will have in this person's company...simply because you never know when that moment will come that your friendship ends. There comes a moment sometimes in friendships where it just STOPS. It either comes to a screeching halt, or it just simply fades into nonexistence without realizing it. And then one day, if you haven't been paying much attention to what's going on, you could wake up and realize that you haven't talked to that person in weeks, nor spent time with him or her. But by that time, it might be too late to fix things.

That's why you should never forget the people you surround yourself with, nor falter or lessen in the love that you give them...because you may never know when they will begin to doubt you and fade away. I'm trying really hard not to think of the things that are upsetting me at the moment, but that is kind of hard to avoid when you have many reminders of painful things right on top of you. Trying to escape your demons whilst being in your own personal hell is impossible. I go along fine for a bit, and then something will come along that smacks me upside the head like a ton of bricks. And then I realize that the pain and anger is still there, even when I thought I'd stuck it away. I know people say to not let it build up and consume you, but I really think that more people would be hurt if I expressed exactly what was bothering me. Yeah, I know that I'm crazy for putting everyone else's feelings and well-being before mine, but I've always been like that. Why should I change? Point is, I know too much about life at the moment to be sharing its details openly. So it's a catch-22: people want me to not keep my pain inside, yet that pain would definitely cause more than just a few tsunamis.