Help Hunger, and Serpentes on a Shippe!

This isn't an entry as much as a note for a few interesting things. One of which is a site that my friend Megan sent me a link to: FreeRice. You can quiz yourself on vocabulary here, and learn a lot of new words, while in the process, donating 20 grains of rice for every word you get right. The rice is paid for by the advertisers on the bottom of the site, and it goes through United Nations to starving countries. So if you ever felt like you wanted to make a difference but never knew how, here is a great way to do so.

Another interesting thing I found was this blog: Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog. For those who might not remember, he's the guy you had to read in Senior English; he wrote the Canterbury Tales. (Which I might say, is some pretty racy stuff at times!) I don't even remember how I found it, but it is definitely worth checking out, cause it is funny. The site even has a store so that you can buy custom t-shirts and things, perfect for the Chaucer or English nerd in your life. :-p

Whenever I'm in the midst of having to make a bunch of potentially life-changing decisions, all I want to do is panic about the possible outcomes, probably just like a lot of other people would. If there's anything that the last few years have taught me, it's that I'm not as strong as I think I am--or as people see me as. But I always want to try and be strong for the people that need me; for my friends. I don't want to let them down in a crisis. It's just at the end of the day, sometimes all I can do is go home and cry to myself over the pain that has been confided in me. And I pray and wonder when things will start getting better for them. If that makes me weak, then I'd hate to think that love and compassion are weaknesses.

On a separate note, if I didn't message or call occasionally to see how you were doing, what would happen then? Perhaps you wouldn't notice, or even care.

I think I did this a long time ago, but it's nice to bring it out again--it's fun to see the responses.

Your Life Soundtrack
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
7. When you're finished, repost so other people can do it!


Opening Credits: "You're My Better Half" - Keith Urban

Waking Up: "Speed of Sound" - Coldplay

Falling in Love: "Africa Bamba" - Santana

Fight Song: "With or Without You" - U2

Breaking Up: "What If You" - Joshua Radin

Prom: "Raining on Sunday" - Keith Urban

Life: "I'll Stand By You" - Carrie Underwood

Mental Breakdown: "Won't Back Down" - Mat Kearney

Driving: "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" - Nine Days

Flashback: "One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Wedding: "She Thinks She Needs Me" - Andy Griggs

Birth of a Child: "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine" - Michael Buble

Final Battle: "Back To You" - John Mayer

Death Scene: "Once Upon a Dream" - Jekyll & Hyde OBCR

Funeral Song: "Thank You" - Dido

End Credit: "Staple it Together" - Jack Johnson

Listen up

I read today that while most people consider themselves good listeners and pride themselves on this, the truth is that we aren't really listening most of the time. Instead, we are hearing what the other person is saying, but really just looking for a way to turn the conversation back to ourselves. Even if it is an innocuous as saying "Well, I can empathize with your situation, because I've been there before, and this is how I felt," it still defeats the purpose of really listening to what your friend, family member, etc. is trying to tell you. Relating their personal issue to something that happened to you, even if you meant it in the best of sympathetic attention, trivializes whatever they are struggling with. People who come to you wanting to talk about what's bothering them just want you to listen, not judging, and care about what's going on. Advice comes later, if they should ask for it. I think a lot of times we jump into a overly-helpful phase where we try to give as much attention to what's happening, but doing that much isn't necessary on all occasions. Just listening and being there is good enough.

I know sometimes I'm guilty of trying to use my past experiences to help people out in current situations, but I really try to just listen and tell the person that I'm there for them as a kind ear or whatever they might need. It really helps, believe me.

So what do you think? Would you consider yourself a good listener? How about an active or passive one? I'm interested in hearing what you have to say. :o)

The new song of the moment is the painfully sad, but beautiful "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini, a 20-year-old Scottish singer/songwriter. Imagine the feeling of knowing that your relationship is almost over, but you want that one last night of closeness before the end. And that is the emotion behind "Last Request." I hope you like it.

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." -- Demosthenes

This came from a book I just finished reading, The Tenth Circle, by Jodi Picoult. The premise of the quote is that the main character's father has trouble conveying his true emotions, as well as recognizing the truth in what happens around him. Instead, he escapes from that reality in his comic book drawings, preferring instead to let out his frustrations in storyboard design. I highly recommend the book, Jodi Picoult has a very distinct and easy-reading writing style that enables her to tackle hard-hitting issues and make them strike at the heart of the reader.

But this quote serves other purposes, however. I bet many people can attest to, at one point or another, engaging in self-deception, no matter what the cause of it. We tell ourselves that things are different than how we see them; that we're different than how we are or people see us, because we don't want to hear nor acknowledge the truth.

It is said that the truth can set you free, but at the same time, it is painful to know it. With that kind of contradiction, what seems to be the best option? In the case of most people I know and trust, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. It sure beats having someone find out about the omitted bits of the story later...

(And the "tenth circle" that the book refers to is referring Dante's Divine Comedy and its nine levels of hell. This little-known level is merely the creation of Picoult's characters' minds, but I believe it really could exist, even if Dante didn't mention it himself. The tenth level is reserved for those who practice self-deception, like Demosthenes has described in my earlier quote.)

This blog of mine has become quite the conglomeration of random things lately...much like my random thought process operates...and I want to bring back some of the things that I liked about writing in this...like poetry/prose. I was in quite the poetry-writing mood/mode all this past week, so I got a few things at least that I could consider "good enough" to share with you all. (I only say "good enough" since I know everyone has their own interpretation of what "good" poetry is.)


Inner Cogs

It used to bother me
that I couldn't figure you out;
even as my best friend,
I never knew what made you tick.

I thought I could read people,
see through to the heart
of the darkest despairing souls
and pull forth the good.
Even you had refused to see.

You made me question my ability
as myself, your friend
for being who I am,
every day I question myself,
thinking I'm not yet complete.

And no matter what I do
I still can't grasp your approval.
Although you'd tell me
I didn't need it anyway.

Did you ever have one of those days where it felt like the world decided to make you the butt of the joke? And all you want to do is fast-forward through all the unpleasant parts or wake up, realizing it was all a dream...

audio sunshine

I went ahead and changed the song of the moment again, I realized I had already used the Rascal Flatts (cough). This was a free download on ITunes awhile back, "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. I love how upbeat it is, and the lyrics are pretty awesome, too. Check it out for a little sunshine in your day!

I put up a new song of the moment, finally found a way to get the new Rascal Flatts' song "Take Me There" on this blog, yay! :-p Warning: if you don't like country music, you have been alerted otherwise.

Also a new widget from ITunes letting people know what you're listening to & what's in your library currently...now people can see how crazy eclectic my music taste really is.

I watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil last night, starring John Cusack and Kevin Spacey, because I was looking something else up on IMDB.com and was intrigued. My parents own the movie, and they hadn't even opened it yet...it's a good movie, but very weird at times. Kevin Spacey does a great job portraying the eccentricities of Jim Williams, who was a real-life person in Savannah, Georgia. The other characters, including Cusack's John Kelso reporter role, were equally as interesting (and weird). :-p And it was fun to see a younger Michael Rosenbaum portraying a Southern character for a change, a far cry from his severe turn as LexLuthor on Smallville. I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it already. (And it's based on the novel of the same name, so an added bonus there!)

The thing I like about IMDB is that you can find so much information you never realized existed...of course, it's a place you can end up wasting a lot of time if you're not careful. But I was poking around on the site last night, and through a "six degrees of separation" I got to the page for the next Batman movie, to be released next year in July. This is the first Batman movie in all of the films to not have the word "Batman" in the title; the movie is called The Dark Knight. Christian Bale (yum) is returning as Batman, and so are Michael Caine (Alfred) and Gary Oldman (Lt. Gordon). Thankfully, Katie Holmes won't be playing Rachel Dawes in this movie...I didn't really like how she handled that role in Batman Begins, so I'm glad that this time, Maggie Gyllenhaal will get to try it out. Hopefully she will do a more admirable job! Harvey Dent will make an appearance in this movie, played by Aaron Eckhart...this should be interesting...and even more interesting is Heath Ledger playing the Joker. I watched a teaser trailer last night, and hearing Joker's maniacal laugh was enough to give me chills. It just upsets me that people are already making comparisons between how Ledger will portray the Joker versus Jack Nicholson's version...I don't believe comparisons should be drawn...for the intent of releasing Batman Begins and subsequent movies was to have a fresh start to the Batman lore...and in no way relating to the past movies.

You can check out the teaser trailer here.

For all of you lucky souls who got to read Beowulf (and/or Grendel) in senior English, this is for you. The nerdy bookish part of me is excited. :-p

Random...but ickily weird...

Did you know that the actress who plays Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter is not as young as she looks? All this time I was thinking that she was the same age as the rest of the main cast, but a look at IMDB disproves that...according to her bio, Shirley Henderson is actually 41. Does this make anyone else feel really awkward when remembering the prefects' bath scene in Goblet of Fire? I'm glad I'm not the only one who shudders at that...

"Wobbly bits"

After rewatching Bridget Jones's Diary and Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, it really makes me want to strive to find someone who can appreciate me for who I am, as well as someone that I feel the same way for--someone who would even love all of my "wobbly bits." The character of Mark Darcy that Colin Firth portrays in these movies is definitely more aloof than my ideal guy, but his love for Bridget despite what she sees as her flaws is most endearing, and something that I hope to have in my own relationship, whenever that may be.

It also makes me realize that I need to get back to England asap, whether to visit and sightsee on a vacation, or for a more permanent arrangement. I miss the culture, the sights, the lifestyle.

Harry Potter and OotP movie

My brother so awesomely treated me to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yesterday, and I wasn't disappointed in the movie. It's made me even more anxious to get my hands on DH when it comes out this weekend, so I can finish the series and know what happens to everyone. I highly recommend OotP if you're into Harry Potter, or even if you're not, it's an exciting and wonderful movie. But it helps if you've read the books or seen the other movies...

I loved the casting of Luna and Professor Umbridge in this; my brother and I agreed that they were how we imagined the characters to be from the book's description. And the scene in the Ministry of Magic at the end has you sitting on the edge of your seat wondering how it will play out.

So go see it already! :-D

"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" music

The new song of the moment is the music from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which the website offered a cool little player that I could put in my blog. The picture kept getting cut off, no matter how I tried to edit it, so I put it at the bottom of the page (temporarily) so the whole player can be seen. I hope you like it!

I haven't been able to find another song of the moment yet, but this is something new and exciting, if you're into country music and like the Rascal Flatts. (Which I do, sorry for those who don't like country, I was raised on it.) This is their new single, "Take Me There," which is off of their new album Still Feels Good that is being released on September 25th. I'm hoping to get to see them in concert when they come to Raleigh in August. **crosses fingers**

http://www.allaboutcountry.com/media/music/ram/Rascal_Flatts_-_Take_Me_There_(Radio)_50926.ram

So I've been reading up on the urban legends and rumors about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, and it has raised my excitement and anticipation for this book to a fever pitch...I can't wait for it to come out at the end of this month! The 5th movie comes out in a few more days, and all the previews I've seen for it promise that it will be an AWESOME movie. :-D It makes me feel like a little kid all over again!

The Golden Compass!!

I saw the preview for this last night before Fantastic Four, and I can honestly say that my excitement for this movie coming out rivals my excitement for the Harry Potter film! :-D

Live music.

Here's an interesting question to see the responses:

What are the 5 albums that changed your life?

Mine would have to be:

1. John Mayer "Continuum"
2. Carlos Santana "Supernatural"
3. The Last Kiss soundtrack
4. Alanis Morissette "Jagged Little Pill"
5. Sarah McLachlan "Mirrorball"

Song of the Moment

Have you ever had one of those moments where you find a song that fits you perfectly? I wasn't even looking for this one, it just fell into my lap when I half-listened to ITunes tonight...

I've put it on my blog, in the section labeled "Song of the Moment." Please take a listen. Any one of you who know what's been going on with me for the past several months will understand why this song fits so well.

The lyrics are here:

Better Off Alone
by Katharine McPhee

One thing I'm wonderin'
When you run out of friends
Will you be coming back home?

Let's think this through again
Let's take a different spin
Why can't I leave you alone?

Somewhere tonight, you may be found
With some other girl you've been draggin' around
You lie to yourself, and you lie to me
It seems like the truth is your worst enemy

Cause baby I'm tired, tired of the fight
I'm tired of the lonely days and the dark endless nights
It's taken some time, cause I didn't know
If I could ever let you go
You helped me figure it out
I'm better off alone
I'm better off alone

I may be found, somewhere tonight
Cursing the day you walked into my life
What's done is done, I can't change time
But I'll be damned if I'm not gonna try
Oh I'm gonna try

Baby I'm tired, tired of the fight
I'm tired of the lonely days and the dark endless nights
It's taken some time, cause I didn't know
If I could ever let you go
You helped me figure it out
I'm better off alone

But every now and then, my heart gives in
To the hope that someday you'll change
Then alone I'll wake, to my own mistakes
That it's just a foolish game

I'm tired, tired of the fight
I'm tired of the lonely lonely lonely days and the dark endless nights
You didn't think, cause you didn't know
That I'd find the strength to let, let you go
I finally figured it out
I'm better off alone
I'm better off alone

One thing before I go
Something I've got to know
Boy, did you ever love me?

Pomp & Circumstance

Tonight marked the 4th time that I've been to my high school's graduation. I know that's nothing compared to some people, especially the long-employed teachers who have are there every year at the ceremony, some hovering around 30 years! But tonight serves to remind me just how much time has passed between my high school graduation and now...5 years...and how much has changed about me and in my life. Priorities completely realigned, different and new friendships, lots of experiences that are true only to being in college...the list goes on. I looked out on the field of the Class of 2007 tonight and I was hit with a sense of nostalgia, and of jealousy. Jealous because many of those graduates were on the cusp of going off to college, taking their first steps into their futures, and I wanted to be in that position again. I would give a lot to be going into my freshman year at Carolina once more, because those four years are an experience you could do over and over again and have it be different each time. It's definitely a thing of "If I knew then what I know now." Along with "If I could do it all over again, what would I do differently?" Some part of me misses the naive 18 year old that I was prior to coming to college. For now I feel weathered, hardened, and battle-scarred. (And through all that I still manage to look young. :-p I could never figure how to look grown-up.)

I am very excited that Sarah (my brother's gf) is getting to embark on this experience, though. She's going to ECU to study nursing, and is extremely smart. I'm hoping she enjoys college life just as much as I did, and Justin does as well.

Squee!!!!

Happiness for the day arrived in my email early this morning...

Rascal Flatts are coming back to Raleigh for a show at Walnut Creek Amphitheater on Sept. 6th!!!

Couple that with John Mayer and Ben Folds at Walnut Creek July 31st, and moving into the apartment with my girls on August 1st, I am very excited. :-D

Haha I love Rascal Flatts. And I found this on AOL Music.



"Could you imagine coming out and finding a bow on a frickin' humidifier?"

Poor Jay.

Books, where have you gone?

I made my 3rd trip to the Lee County Library yesterday, in search of more reading material. Going to Barnes & Noble this past weekend with my mom made me crave books. That's one of the dangerous stores I have to be careful in, otherwise I would come out with several bags crammed full of books. There's so many new ones out that I want to read, along with lots of classics--it's so hard to resist! I know that if I do this teaching thing, I'm going to have shelves filled with books in my classroom, and it will carry over to my house.

So the thing that made me sad about going to the local library is the lack of new books in their stacks. There were a few books that I wanted to read, The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. But my search at the library was futile. I know that the taxpayers pay for the library to be in operation, so can we have some new books that aren't murder mysteries? I can only take so much of the same genre before it gets old. I was a little more successful yesterday, I picked up a few titles from the bestsellers list, past and more recent (gasp, they actually had books from a year ago!). So now I'm devouring this collection, until I finish and go back to get more books from my list. :o)

I guess I'm too accustomed to the gigantic catalogs of books that university libraries possess, hence my disappointment at the county library. College spoils us.

Turn on your nudity!

As you can probably tell, I enjoy poking around on the internet and seeing what I can find, either interesting, funny, or useful. This falls in the useful category, especially for those of you looking for secrets to what guys really like. :-p Six things that secretly turn a guy on, but they might not tell you? Read the story at that link and consider the secrets revealed.

I also wanted to share with you this video I found on YouTube (which is the bane of existence for many...as much time as it sucks from your life). I was looking for the video of this Axe commercial that my mom loves, and in the process, found this Axe commercial from Belgium. It's been banned from ever being shown in the US, simply for the fact that the content is "inappropriate" with what the FCC wants on TV these days. I love how overseas in Europe, they aren't shocked by this. That's one of the things I enjoyed about living in England, everyone is open-minded enough that things like nudity and profanity don't upset viewers as it would here. But nonetheless, enjoy!

Interesting reading

I was poking around on MSN.com today and found this article, which goes well with the one I bookmarked from a few days ago. I'm going to put both links in this post so if you're interested, you can check the articles out.

The one I read tonight was an insight into how your birth order affects your love life and romantic style. Well, considering my love life sucks, and my younger brother has a more serious relationship than I do, I found this intriguing. Maybe you will find it applicable to your own life.

The other article was on praying for love. I know from talking to a lot of people that they (and myself included) pray for God to bring them someone to love, someone that they find compatible and wonderful enough for their affections. But how beneficial is it to pray for love and leave it completely up to God to figure out? Someone once told me that God is not a dating service, you have to do most of the work yourself when it comes to finding someone. But He can guide you into a frame of mind that readies you for a relationship, as well as giving you a way to form common bonds with others that believe like you do.

Faith is one of the major things that makes or breaks relationships these days, along with money and distance. In a long-distance relationship, partners who share in the idea of religion are more successful in sustaining the relationship. You can put your trust in God that He will lead you to the right person, but He is not going to do all the work for you---that's the beauty of dating.

My Celebrity Lookalikes

Preliminary design

I've been working on the tattoo design that I mentioned in an earlier post, trying to figure out what looked good. And so I tinkered around with Paint for awhile, and this is what I've come up with for starters...tell me what you think! (I think everything might end up being in black ink, to keep things as simple as possible.)

Later...

I got some input, and made a cool edit to the earlier design, something to give it a little more "personality." Here's a revised version:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

I just wanted to say that I love my mom and everything she does for me and my family. She's awesome, and deserves so much more than what she gets.

I found this out in cyberspace...and wanted to share it with you all, the faithful few who come to read this.

*You are dying right now as you read this, accept that and have a life while you can.
*Guilt and shame are absolutely useless. Be who you know you are and do not put yourself in the position of having to justify yourself or over explain who, how, why, or what you are.
*The best way to get something from someone is to give it to them first - only then are you really worthy of it.
*Loving a person means you want better things for them than they want for themselves. It also means knowing what buttons to push to make them hurt, because if you truly love them you will never ever push those buttons. Ever.
*Have no fear of rejection. No one can really reject you anyway, all they can do is prove they were never worthy of you to begin with.
*All people come into your life for a different reason, the categories are simple. they come for a single reason, a season, or a lifetime. You must accept people as they are but that is not to say that you have to accept being completely incompatible with them.
*There is never a right time, there is never a perfect time, but there is ALWAYS a better time.
*Challenge yourself as often as you can so that you will know what your limits are, and until you know what your limits are, live as though you have none whatsoever.
*Live in the now, it is all you really have. The past is over and unchangeable, the future is uncertain. Live in the now, make it memorable, and make it count.
*Take people at their actions and not their words. You will never know who they really are by what they say, think, feel, or claim to believe, only by what they do. This is how character is both built and revealed.
*True joy only exists in self acceptance. Seek perfect acceptance instead of a perfect life.
*Honor and celebrate the people who love you, accept you, and put up with your bullshit like your life depends on it - when you get down to it, it really does.

Anyone who watches or has heard of Smallville will appreciate this. I found this blooper reel from one of my searches on Youtube (where it's possible to waste away many hours of your day).



And also, Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor from Smallville) loves his weiner...I love his humor, he's hilarious if you watch any clips of him not doing the show.

I don't claim to be an artist by any means. That's probably what's making my design work so difficult at the moment. :-p I'm trying to incorporate a few of the elements that are important in my life into one design (of course, one that isn't too complicated in itself) for a tattoo idea. Of course, the time to get it is still a long ways away, but it never hurts to get started early, huh? I know some people are going to read this and be like "What, Heather?!?! You're getting a tattoo?!?" I am thinking about it--hence trying to design it so that if I get the notion to, I at least would have something to go with. :-p

Also trying to keep things in perspective with all of the stuff going on right now...3 days and so far so good...hopefully it will keep going that well...only time will tell if I can move on.

Rue, rue, rue your boat.

So apparently people don't love me enough to take time to tell me what they think about me? **Referring to this link** (Or just are too busy and/or just don't care. :-p)

My current frustration is trying to figure out what to do for my summer. Ideally I'd like to work, preferably in Chapel Hill/Durham/RTP, but jobs seem to be a little evasive at the moment. I'm trying to figure out if education is what I really want to do with the rest of my life...after tutoring those kids, man, I need to know if maybe there's something I would love more than teaching day in and day out. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it was awesome to have the kids understand what I was explaining to them (and then they would remember it for tests so their grades improved). But my first love, even before I changed my mind and decided to major in English (instead of Forensic Pathology, long story), was BOOKS! Books, writing, reading, the whole nine yards. I think if I could spend the rest of my life reading, writing, editing books, journals, papers...hey, anything with words in English, then I would be happy. Not to mention I would probably end up well-educated and well-read having gone through all that material! (I might even learn more than what I learned in four years of college.)

I was just thinking about that the other day...how much I actually learned in college from taking all those classes...what I can still remember from lectures, anything useful at all. It's kind of sad, I don't know yet if I can put 45 hours of credit in English to good use. Was all my reading of Chaucer, Pope, Frost, Poe, Hawthorne, Milton, Shakespeare in vain? Will it ever amount to anything worthwhile, all the time I spent writing those darn criticism papers? And what about my other 80+ credit hours? What good is all that history, philosophy, religious studies, etc. doing for me now, other than providing answers to Jeopardy questions? I have a piece of very nice paper that says I did all the coursework and graduated with a "Bachelor of Arts in English" from UNC, but is it worth the paper it was printed on?

Such is the musing of a rueful graduate. I wish I was still an undergrad. To all my friends that are still in undergrad, you all have it lucky. It's all still convenient, even as much as you gripe to me about class, tests, papers, finals. The real world is a whole lot more frustrating than an 8 am class, believe me. And to have the freedom in deciding whether to go to class or not is something I wish I still had. There's really no deciding whether or not to go to work. You just do it if you want to keep your job and get paid.

I need to go back to school, as soon as possible. I've started perusing where I want to expand my graduate school application search. Even to schools outside of NC, yep. Currently doing research on the best schools for education in the country. And the best schools for English/Creative Writing, cause I realize I might be better off pursuing a Master's in Literature and Writing. It might be easier to get in that way, already having my BA, and it expands the possibilities in programs I could apply to.

It scares me to think that more of my important people would up and move after they graduated. Granted, it is still a little ways off for many, but I am sad when people I love move away. Of course, I know that for those who really counted, we would go through heaven and earth to be able to see each other. I rue the fact currently that I haven't been able to see that many of my friends that left last year and scattered themselves across the country. Don't I wish I had the provisions to be able to do that...

So much...

Crazy times, y'all.

This has been quite a week for experiences. Singlehandedly, I had the most life-changing, eye-opening two hour experience of my 23 years Wednesday evening. I had the pleasant opportunity to attend a seminar given by David Coleman, aka "the real life Dr. Hitch." For those of you who have seen the movie with Will Smith, you'll know who I'm talking about. The seminar focused not only on dating questions and issues, but also touched on relationships, both with your significant other and your friends. David Coleman talked about how true friends are never jealous of each other, and that they don't keep score in a friendship (like who does what and when). He also said that in a true friendship, there are never secrets between friends because honesty is always present.

I must admit I felt guilty and weird as he talked about friendship and knowing whether yours are true or not. Everything he was describing seemed to be the exact opposite of a situation I have with a friend currently. I was so confused at this point, so I stayed after to talk to him. I asked him what one can do in a situation like mine, because I'm having trouble deciding what the best course of action is. His words? "As long as you have feelings for someone, you can never be his or her friend." All of my other friends have been saying pretty much the same for a while. I don't discount anything that my friends tell me as advice, I know they all have good reason in saying what they do. But for someone who doesn't know me or the situation behind the question I asked, his simple advice was overwhelmingly right. As long as there are feelings present, you can't be friends with the person that you have them about, for they always run the risk of disrupting the friendship. (And furthermore, ruining it.) As for people needing others to be their friends; it's not a matter of needing them to be your friends, it's always a matter of wanting them in your life as your friends. Needing someone in your life is equal to making them an object, instead of a person.

And then my thoughts have been further confirmed by the past few days. It makes me realize that it's time to stand up and take charge or be prepared to be walked on again and again. (The idea of which I'm not too fond of.) I'm kinda glad that I'm going home for the summer, at least I won't have to deal with this crap on a daily basis anymore...

I'm just not going to make the effort...it's not worth the time or pain. If you want me, you know how to reach me.

So I found this beginning of a story lost in the archives of my old blog, and was delighted. I think I'm going to try to finish it, read what I have so far if you like and tell me what you think!

Thanks!

September 27th
You don't realize how alone you are until you say goodbye.

October 20th

It's been twenty three days since you died. With each day that passes, things get a little better, but every now and then I find myself slipping. Like yesterday.

I went by Sutton's and ordered a peanut butter shake. I went to grab two straws before I remembered and my hand dropped to my side. The shake didn't taste the same. I ended up throwing it away as I kept walking down Franklin Street. I know you would say it was a waste.

I sat on the Caldwell Monument and watched people pass by until it was dark and fireflies started blinking. I caught one and made a wish before it flew off into the night. You know I still make silly wishes.

I have a Spanish test tomorrow that I haven't studied for, nor given much thought to. Everyone was real nice giving me a break for a while, but I think my time's up and the sympathy is wearing off. Senora Poston will fry my ass if I don't start paying attention in class, much less start speaking in Spanish again. So it wasn't any surprise that there was a voicemail on the phone from my advisor. He wants to see me at 11 tomorrow, to "discuss my career plans," which is really just bs for telling me to shape up.

Nobody understands what it's like. They all smile sadly, pat my arm, and tell me that everyone suffers loss, but there has never been a loss quite like you...how do you go on after losing half of yourself? It feels like I've lost a part of my soul and I can't get it back. And no one will ever understand.

October 22
So I went to my advisor meeting yesterday. It went sorta like this:

Advisor: How are you doing today, Jamie?
Me: (mumbles) Fine.
A: (grimaces and then picks up my file from his desk) Well, I wanted to discuss with you your career plans. Have you given any thought to what you would like to do with your major after college? You're a geology major?
M: Last time I checked I was.
A: Uh, yes, well, what do you want to do, Jamie?

M: I wanted to study rocks and be a vocanologist, but now I dunno anymore. I thought I had till the spring to figure out all this out.
A: Yes...but Jamie, I'm worried about your performance... (there it was, that pause.)

M: ?
A: I've gotten reports from your professors--your grades have slipped considerably since the beginning of the school year. Since the beginning of September, to be specific.

M: (I shrug and say nothing)
A: Now if you're having trouble with the subject, you know you can go to tutoring...
M: I know it just fine.
A: Jamie...I know things have been...difficult since your tragedy--

M: You don't know anything.

A: I know that if you don't improve, you'll lose your scholarship...and quite possibly flunk the semester. I've seen too many good students who had to leave the university because of troubles, but I don't want you to be one of them. You're a good kid, Jamie. You deserve something solid right now, and staying at UNC is the best thing you can do for yourself.

M: (as I gather my stuff) Is that all?

A: (looking baffled) I guess it is...

I leave before the guy can say anything else. I didn't think that the budget cut at UNC was so bad they employed shrinks to tell us what classes to take, too.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=tarheelpoet

If you feel inclined, you should check out this link. Tell me what you think (you don't have to put your name if you don't want to!) Thanks for looking! :o)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I got all excited this morning when the mail came, because there was a HUGE envelope from NC State. (Those of you who've talked to me recently know how fervently I've been waiting to hear something from State about graduate school.) So my heart rate went up and I thought that this could really be the moment I've waited over a month for. But sadly, it was a University Housing packet for my roommate Kristy, who just got accepted into the Veterinary School program over there. I was very very sad to see it was addressed to her, it really put a damper on my day's mood. And it wasn't like she needed that information anyway, she's living in a townhouse off campus in Raleigh! Boo on her for getting me all worked up over nothing.

I really hope I don't have to wait too much longer for news from State. I don't know how much waiting and stress I can take. Grad school is the one thing I'm waiting on so I can figure out how my life will play out for the next year, and quite possibly the year after that, too. If indeed they take two months before they'll get back to you about grad school, then my two months are almost up (I applied the first of March). Although they did tell me when I called last week that they currently had my application in hand and were reviewing it "as we speak." I hope the Curriculum & Instruction office assistant wasn't snowing me...

In the midst of everything else, it is important to remember to keep going. In the days after yesterday's terrible tragedy at VA Tech, people will try to unite, remember, and rebuild from what has happened. A lot of tough questions have already been asked, and will continue to be asked as authorities uncover more information about what led to the shootings. Perhaps in hearing this information, we will all be able to find a little peace.

I attended the vigil for the victims of the attack last night, and it was a very moving and surreal experience. Several hundred people were in attendance, and it made me happy to see our Carolina community pulling together in support of the Hokie community hundreds of miles away. It's good to know that distance nor rivalries keep us from all being human. The sight of a couple hundred candles shining in the night, illuminating somber faces deep in thought and prayer, was definitely one that gave me chills. My brother said that he felt the same way attending a similar vigil at NC State last night; it was an experience he would never forget. The only thing that upsets me is the fact that there have to be vigils for one thing or another; it just reminds me that bad things still happen in the world, and to innocent people who are undeserving of it. If we could go through life without having to plan vigils for rememberance of a tragedy or funerals for those tragically taken from us, then I know we would all be a lot happier.

I am angry at those who are turning the VA Tech tragedy into a political debate over gun rights and which candidates are the ones ideal enough to stop this from happening again. I think no matter what laws we do or don't pass, there are still going to be people out there that will do just what the gunman did at VA Tech Monday: hurt and kill innocent people. Underneath every slice of blame that people lay on an issue is the fact that people do this to each other, without any help from politics. Ever since Cain first took up his hand against Abel and killed him, there has been violence existing in the world, and it will very likely be the end of our humanity as we know it. I don't really see any way that we'll get people to stop fighting against each other, killing each other, and hating each other--unless perhaps we just removed that part of everyone's brain to eradicate those violent impulses. I just hope that we can learn from what has happened, as well as grieve and remember those involved, so that they will not have died in vain.

The words of this song from Nickelback say it very well:

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died."

I would like to see that day, perhaps only when it comes time for me to meet my maker.

(I sincerely hope that the power will be on at my apartment later today, I'm tired of having to mooch off of my friends so that I can have light, heat, and warm showers! Come on Duke Energy...)

Grieving for Virginia Tech

The tragedy at Virginia Tech yesterday has been weighing heavily on my mind since I first heard about it. The power was off in our apartment, so I didn't even hear the news of what was going on until I set foot in the Student Stores on campus and saw a huge crowd of people gathered around the tv in the Ram Shop. I panicked when I saw the news report; I have a friend who was intending on going with his fraternity to Virginia Tech this coming weekend, and the news just made my heart drop into my stomach. I only know one person at VA Tech, my old community director and boss, Matt Grimes. I believe that he is okay, and hope that the campus will be able to recover and heal from this tragedy. Having been to VA Tech to visit the beautiful campus recently, it is hard to imagine that something like this could happen in such a tranquil environment. A friend of mine mused on how she couldn't imagine something like that happening here. We have had our own tragedies here at UNC, with the shooting incident on Franklin St about 10 years ago, and last year's Pit incident, but to have someone infiltrate your campus and senselessly murder 32 students/faculty is something I cannot even fathom. Nor can I imagine how everyone at VA Tech is dealing with this. I pray that they will find peace in the coming days and weeks, and that as a community they will heal and go forward. For the families and friends of the victims, I pray for peace to heal your hearts. Know that you are not alone in your grief and suffering--all of the rest of us are grieving and remembering with you. This is the time where we put aside our "college rivalries" and embrace the knowledge that today, we are all Hokies.

I hate playing the waiting game, always waiting to hear what's going on...I've never been one for patience; my mom says I was impatient from the get-go, since I arrived a week early. But it's especially hard to be patient when you're waiting for important information that could make or break the next 6-12 months of your life...sigh.

It's interesting, weird, and sad how you can go from telling your best friend pretty much anything to not really having anything to talk about at all anymore. It makes me feel a little empty and inadequate above all, but also really gets you wondering about the depth of your friendship.

I have the window open in my room for fresh air, and tonight it poured down rain; it's the best kind of weather because I get horribly inspired to write some good angsty poetry. Or depressing poetry, whatever mood I happen to be in when I get that writing urge. It's funny though, I get in such a good mood about having that writing inspiration, but yet the results of that productivity are far from upbeat.

Here's a tidbit of what I wrote tonight, I will possibly expand the poem later when I gather more ideas...

Time

There was a time when
I could tell you everything
Now those moments are few
and far between
So much I've kept to myself
For fear of hurting feelings
and destroying dreams

I'm going to miss you
when I'm gone
But I will still love you all along.

Ange

Mon petit amour,
for you are but a twinkle in my eye
and there you will remain,
buried deep in my memories.
Mon coeur,
this was not the time for you
perhaps you knew better than I
that the moment wasn't right.
We would have not been ready,
and you deserve more than that.
Mon cher,
I hope you can forgive me
for the mistakes I made;
I didn't know.
Mon dieu,
please don't judge for the past,
I hope you will guide me
to a brighter future.
I pray that I would be stronger
and more prepared, in a different time.

Perhaps we might meet again someday;
two lost souls reunited, mon ange.

Bittersweet

I feel bittersweet
when I think of you.

Memories don't die;
when I cry
tears do nothing
to ease the ache of you.

What do I do?

Can't go back
can't go forward
without worrying that
I'm going to fall again.

When I think of you
my world crashes down around me
once again.

To Know Someone

Have you ever known someone
who touched your life
in a way you never thought possible,
someone who reached
deep into your hard and touched your soul
and it made you cry?
I know someone who has done that.

Have you ever known someone
so wonderful and special that
you wanted to turn back the clock
for more time to spend together,
that you wish each moment you had
with this person would last forever?

Have you ever known someone
so special you wouldn't forget
no matter what,
someone who would leave a giant hole
in your heart if they were gone?

a little bit

i'm not sure how much
i trust myself to make smart decisions
anymore.
i feel like my judgment has been cut off,
my eyes clouded
by my feelings for you.
i'm confused by everything too easily these days
wondering which way is up or down;
i don't want to sink and drown.
i have lost faith in the fact i could
at one point
stick up for myself.
i don't know what happened there.
it feels like everytime i try
to make my point to you,
you're always convincing me to stay.
if you needed me in your life like you say you do
i don't think i can feel it.
i didn't think our being friends
would be that much of an issue,
because it's not for me.
but i remember we've always
cared about different things.
it's hard to see myself without you
because we've been friends for so long
but it's hard to see myself with you,
because lingering in between two worlds
won't last forever.
nor does it keep us happy.
maybe only in my imagination
would we ever want the same thing,
each other.
part of me knows i'm not ready
to say goodbye.
but the other part knows it's about time.
i hope i'm ready
i hope i can
i hope you'd care just a little bit.

I want to share something really awesome with you guys. My friend Mark wrote this beautiful piece, and I felt it was something that is appropriate to many--so enjoy.

In Light of Everything

By Mark Cashin

What you did to me, girl, I will not forget
The pain you caused my heart to feel, is pain I can’t beset
You told me this was real for you; I was your dream guy
Yet, from what happened here, all you gave me were lies

One week ago, I felt as though I had it all
But since then, you pulled away and let me take the fall
You said you loved and cared for me; the best you ever had
So, why are you with a guy who’s nothing but a fad?

I wish that I could turn back time and make you see
That I’m worth so much more than, how you treated me

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

You’re still running through my mind, when you shouldn’t be
I know that moving on would be best for me
I still have a lot of pain from you, that hasn’t gone away
True emotions from your heart, you did not convey

How could you say you love me, with the truth on your mind?
After first falling in love, what can I do for the next time?

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

What is wrong with you, what was wrong with me?
The signs where obvious; why could I not see
That I would never give to you the one thing couples need
But did it have to be this way, with having to hurt me?

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

Blessing

Blessing

I never meant for things to be this way,
Never wanted things to be this bad;
Always thought we'd take on everything
Side by side, my beloved friend.
So close to my heart you've always been;
So large a hole I'll have when you're gone--
One no one else can fill quite like you do.
All the memories, the pictures on the walls,
The good times I'll keep with me till the end;
They remind me of the days I miss most.
I'll try to forget the tears I cried,
The pain that you and I gave each other,
And the mistakes that were made
Somewhere along the way.
Even through all my anger and frustration
I hope you always knew that I cared for you,
Wanting nothing but the best and happiness.
I hope you find it someday, if you haven't already begun.
Thank you for blessing me with your smile,
The gift of your friendship, your laughter and spirit, and
Your positive presence in my life every day.
Anyone who has the privilege of being your friend
Has the best blessing of all.
So please, don't think badly of me leaving,
It's something for my own good, a way of keeping the peace
In something I treasure most of all,
And something I don't want to leave in ruins.
I'll hug you tight one last time and try not to cry,
Praying that you'll find your way; you can do it without me.
I won't interfere with what you want to do...
I'll just step back and watch from a distance, with a smile
Like you would want me to do--to be happy, too.
Just keep going, you know I love you still.

I've seen what you can do...

"I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles
And hopeless dreams come true
You made the heaven and the stars
Everything
C'mon how hard can it be
To make her love me..."
--Rascal Flatts

Miracles are just that...miraculous events that happen to people. How often have I heard from people talking that they "hope for a miracle" to solve a situation that they can't fix themselves? That phrase is uttered so often, sometimes taken more lightly than is necessary.

I know that I have been guilty of asking God to work miracles in my life for situations that were not appropriate or worthy of having His grace to save. If something happens, I need to be more cognizant of the fact that He wants it to be this way because he knows what the larger plan is for my life. I tend to forget many times to just trust in Him and that He knows what is best for me. So I end up trying to take everything into my own hands and it usually ends up as a mess. One of the best things I have heard regarding this is "Let go and let God." I think if we could all try to let go of the things that bother us, even the littlest concerns and take confidence in the fact that someone with more power to handle our situations will take care of everything, then we'd all breathe a little easier.

"Makes Me Wonder"

The new song and video by Maroon 5. Enjoy. :-D

choosing to fight battles

(Note: 8/18/07) A long ago conversation between a female friend & I. I recently uncovered this in my archives.

I'm very heartsick over this whole "Matt has a girlfriend" thing. I thought I was in a lot of pain after Brian broke up with me last year, but this is twice as bad. It's like a friendship and a "relationship" break-up at the same time. Matt seriously broke my heart, and I feel lost because now I don't know where to go from here. I know if I stay I just end up hurting myself more as time goes on and she replaces me as the best friend. He said it would be a long time before that was even a possibility, but I guess a long time wasn't that long after all. And the crazy thing about it is, he's not even happy with the fact that he's in a relationship. He says that it's like he knows she's not the one, but yet he likes her well enough to go out with her. I don't understand his logic well enough...he's wanted a relationship pretty much since the moment Christy broke up with him, went through all that crap with those girls, and now that he has what he's wanted, he's not even excited about it. :-/ I know I need to get out now while I still have some part of me intact (although I don't know what that is). That's the only way I'm going to avoid the pain and agony that's bound to ensue. I'm really upset and crying over the fact that I lost someone I really care about, someone I really love, to someone who he isn't excited about and probably won't appreciate him the way I do. But I realize you can't make people love you, or feel however you want them to. I can't guarantee that he will ever feel that way, even if I were to leave and he could realize what I mean to him. (If anything important at all.) I am also upset with the fact that he passed up something that could have been really awesome, simply because he just didn't feel that way. I don't even know if he could try. But it makes me so sad, all around.

The whole thing reminds me of a song that says "You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall." The fact of the matter is that it takes two people, equally dedicated, to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try, if he isn't willing to love as hard as you do, it won't work and you are one who ends up hurt. As for this girl, don't worry about her replacing you. She may consume his time and attention, but it is the same thing we talked about with trying to replace Matt. When someone leaves an impression on you, no one will ever fill that role precisely. I don't know how or what Matt feels right now, but I know he has cared about you in the past. I remember the times when Britt was crazy about him but he used to blow her off for you. That is just his style. It hurts like hell now when you are on the other end, but you should never take it as a personal reflection of the type of person you are. The only thing you are guilty of is loving the wrong person and not realizing it until you were in too deep. We all do it at some point. This whole thing just proves that the only way you are going to protect yourself from the pain he inflicts is to push him away. The less you know about his escapades, the better off you are. I guess in some cases it is true, ignorance IS bliss. The pain of a broken heart is the worst pain humans are capable of experiencing, but at the same time, I have learned to be thankful for that pain because at least is proves that we CAN feel. You know how much love to give, and you know you can make someone happy. It hurts like hell because it isn't the person you want it to be, but that is like trying to make a shoe fit that is 3 sizes too small just because you love the way they look. God has a person for you, and it is tough to accept, but it may not be Matt. You have learned a lot of valuable lessons from him that you can be thankful for, and once you see what they are, the pain will heal. You will find someone who appreciates you, and I would be willing to be money, it will be when you least expect it.

Do you think with all of that going on I should try to maintain the friendship and not ask for details, or just give it up because it would be too much? Things make it hard to figure out what would be a better option.
I'm not one to advocate backing down from a challenge, but sometimes we all have to admit defeat. Cut your losses and move on...you are strong enough.
Yeah, I don't think this is a battle I want to fight 'cause I know I won't make any victories in it. I probably won't tell him I'm doing it this time, because then that just gives him the chance to try and convince me I'm wrong for doing it, and I can't take any more of that emotional bungeeing. I know that I can probably deal with this, but I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from, that really sucks. And I hate to try and 'borrow" it from you guys, cause you all have things you have to worry about yourselves.
And by the way, don't let me ever hear you feel guilty again for "borrowing strength" from your friends. That is what they are for. People are not solitary creatures. We are not meant to silently suffer by ourselves. If we cannot lean on each other, we are doomed to fall. If there is not a hand to pick us up, we are destined to lie there.

To be "almost honest"

I changed the title of my blog again, but I think this reflects things more accurately. Plus, that song by Josh Kelley has been perpetually stuck in my head.

I think a lot of times when we talk to people, even the ones we are closest to, we are "almost honest." I know that our friends and family expect us to be completely honest with them about what's going on, but sometimes the littlest bit of yourself needs to be kept to yourself. Otherwise you just have everything hanging out there for people to see, use and abuse, and there's no personal bit of yourself left. I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to people about what I think or what's going on, but I might keep some things to myself that I only really want myself to know. I feel like so many people would look at me differently if they knew what I know, and I don't want that to be the case.

Truth is, there are some things I can never share with the rest of the world. Only a trusted few have been lucky to hear some of the crazy things that have been going on with me, because I know that they understand, and would never share that information with others. (As much as I've been told that I need to talk to some individuals about stuff that would be greatly helpful to know, I just can't bring myself to make those confessions.)

Only God really knows and understands the pain, the weakness, the deepest secrets in my heart. I pray that He will help me through these difficult times.

It seems that there's been no break from difficult moments these past few months...pretty much since the new year started it's been one thing or another; one trial or another to wreak havoc on me. I hope that somewhere in here there is a break; something that will allow me to stand up and dust myself off and maybe to get going again. I know that He's testing me for something yet to come, but He knows that I'm not the strongest person ever...I'm rather fragile emotionally. I don't know how many more tests I can endure, God, I don't want to break again.

I thought I had felt pain before this, but this is twice as bad. It's almost like having a relationship break up and losing a close friendship at the same time, a double whammy to the gut. The pain cuts deeper, I feel more lost, and more haunted by time than before. You care about every person differently; you love each person you fall in love with differently, as well. No one emotion is ever the same in the realm of love. The people you love make certain of that. And there is no trying to love someone new the way you loved in the past--it could never work because you end up trying to make comparisons between the old and the new. (That ends up driving you and the one you care about apart, trying to hold him/her up to expectations that are completely unique to each person in your life.)

Something from the Bible has really jumped out at me during this time. (I've spent more time recently delving into the Bible and finding passages that help me to try and understand what's going on in life these days, and also invested more time in church lately than I have been in the past. It really does help.)

Matthew 16:26: What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

I feel like this helps to reinforce my point that everyone should try to keep a little of himself or herself to themselves at times, and not give out everything that they have, for there is nothing left if they do. By giving up your soul to gain everything that you ever wanted in the world, you are giving up your essence as a person and taking on whatever evils you open yourself up to. In addition, there has to be a limit to how much of yourself you give to people you care about, otherwise you just run the risk of expending yourself to the point of emptiness. (Like I feel now, sadly.) You can only invest so much emotionally (and physically) in your endeavors before you have to step back and call it quits...I am so there now.

Now I can see that I need to move on. This heartbreak will hopefully push me in that direction, so I can get past the hurdle that keeps me here. I will miss you though, for you are so special to me.

This has been a good week for my musical tastes. :-D First I find out that John Mayer is coming to Walnut Creek Ampitheatre in July with Ben Folds, which is AMAZING in itself...I finally get to see Ben Folds and John Mayer (under the same roof)!

Then I find out today that Maroon 5 is FINALLY putting out another CD. Thank goodness...Songs About Jane came out in like 2003ish, so it's been a long time coming. The first single off of the new CD is called "Makes Me Wonder." The CD, entitled It Won't Be Soon Before Long, will be out on May 22nd.

You know how sometimes you discover a musical artist or a group that you really enjoy? And then you just kinda go on a streak of finding all the stuff you can by that person, just because you're eager to explore everything that this artist has to offer.

It's especially good when he or she has a ton of songs that you can listen to and be like "I can identify with what this song is saying, and that's awesome!"

While browsing for songs from Smallville, I came across the song "Cain and Able" by Josh Kelley. This song was featured in episode 8 of this season, entitled "Rage." (If you haven't gotten to see this season, or Smallville in general, I highly recommend it! I just only got into the show last year, and have since then caught up on all the seasons.)

But after hearing this song, I went on a search to see what else Josh Kelley had done. And so I came across a song called "Amazing," which I recognized as a radio hit that had been released a few years ago. In addition, I found "Almost Honest," which is quite an emotionally charged song, dealing with honesty in relationships. Of course, it doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships, it also goes for your friendships as well. The lyrics I will post below, and I hope you get the chance to listen to this song. (I am working on trying to get it uploaded somewhere so you can hear it.) Enjoy.

"Almost Honest"
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl
She's easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I lay with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

A sad time at UNC

The atmosphere of the campus at the moment is so somber.

Beneath Carolina blue skies, the UNC community mourns the loss of Jason Ray, one of the lucky few who got to portray Rameses at Carolina sporting events. I never knew him personally, but he did touch all of our lives just by being Rameses and by loving Carolina so much. It always saddens me to hear about the deaths of young people with so much potential in life, because I ache for those lives cut short. I really wanted for Jason to be able to experience graduation from UNC, and to go on and enjoy all of the things that he had going for him. Sadly, things like this do happen to good people, and all we can do is grieve, remember, and go on with our memories to guide us in our lives.

This is a very touching story from Tarheelblue.com, the official athletics website of Carolina.

And this is the rewritten text of a poem that expresses Jason's importance to the University. The original author is unknown.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the grass beneath the cleats;
I am the court beneath the feet.

I am the walls of the beloved Dome
Which I so proudly called my home.

I am in the crowd's passionate cheers,
which cannot be dampened by human tears.

I will always be around in spirit.
Listen for my voice, and you will hear it.

When you think of UNC,
That is where I will always be.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
for I am not there,
I did not die."

I don't think I know what to say anymore. My heart, my brain, my soul; all are spent. I sit here with tears in my eyes; tears comprised of anger, sadness, and frustration. I write this as a broken soul, falling to my knees before you all and Him, knowing that I have nothing left to give for everything I had is gone. All of my energy, all of the love and affection, and all of my self has been given out and I have nothing left to keep me going. What can I do now? Even with all of my friends' help, it will be hard to replenish what is lost.

God, I am here before you as a broken soul, please heal my heart and ease my suffering.

This comes from my friend Danielle's blog, but I wanted to cross-post it so that maybe more people would get the chance to read it, because it's really relevant and important for people to read!

After spending a lot of time with Heather lately, I have come to a lot of realizations about the things in this world people do that I just can't stand. There are people in my life these days that never cease to disappoint me, and it shouldn't be that way. My new resolve, and Heather's I think as well, is to rid ourselves of these people and learn to move on and appreciate the people that never let me down. Among the things I can no longer allow myself to tolerate:

1. Not doing what you say you are going to do. For example, if you say you are going to call, call! It takes two seconds to follow up on a verbal promise like that. For instance, if you say you are going to call because you want to hang out, at least give the person the courtesy of calling even if you don't have time at that moment to hang out. I see myself and others spending time hanging on the verbal promises people make, and then we are constantly disappointed by people that never follow through. Don't say it if you don't mean it.

2. Lying. I heard someone say once that a lie by omission is still a lie and I believe that. Now, lets be realistic...sometimes its not always possible to be truthful. However, friends are the people you should never lie to. Sometimes we don't always tell our family the truth because it is necessary to be able to live your own life without too much prying. Friends do not pry unnecessarily and they should never judge. Friends deserve the whole truth because friends are the ones who chose to stick around and support you. I can't think of anything I would ever conceal from Heather, because as friends, I trust her. I can confide in her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Even if I did something I thought she wouldn't like, I would tell her. Without honesty, there is no way to confront problems and move on. In essence, I have nothing to hide from her so I don't have to worry. Other people aren't as honest, and thus, the trust is gone. I can't be friends with someone I can't trust.

3. Taking people for granted. Friends chose to be your friend. They are people and they have feelings. If you take them for granted, it is only a matter of time before they wise up and leave your sorry butt in the dust. A friend will last so long as you make the effort to cultivate the relationship. When you begin to assume that they will always be there, no matter what, is just when they may decide to pack up and leave. A friendship is a relationship and it has to be a two-way street. If one person carries the burden of always having the be the one that gives and makes the effort, they will inevitably grow weary of it.

4. Using people for personal gain. I could name names (but I won't), but there are people in this world that only ever contact you when they want something. Maybe they want a favor, or they want to be invited to a party or such. They don't call to see just how you or doing and they don't call when they know you are down and need a friend. That's not a friend, that's a user. I don't have time for people like that and I am tired of seeing people do it to my friends. It's just plain selfish.

5. Pettiness. I am 20 years old, I know I have a lot to learn and I know that. It amazes me though when I am surrounded by peers who can still act like they are in high school and not feel any moral inclination to grow up. They still obsess over the "me, me, me" mentality. They are too concerned with what makes them happy to consider the consequences it may have on others. Now, I am not advocating living your life only to please others. That is certainly a futile practice. But when you chose to lie, use, or take someone for granted just because it makes you happy, that makes you a pretty low person. It is a sad existence when you get your kicks from hurting others. Those are certainly not friends.

With all of this said, can you think of something you have said you would do that you didn't make an effort to follow up on? Did you lie to a friend or keep something from them? Even if not, take the chance to let your closest friends know how much you care about them and why. Friends need affirmation just like a spouse or significant other. It is not enough to say you care, but your friends should know why. A friend should never feel like their good efforts go unnotived or unappreciated. Friends bring so much happiness, and only ask for a small committment in return. Friends aren't like like spouses where there is a ceremony and a legal document to solidify the relationship. Friends will stick around, but all they need is a little appreciation and they will be there through thick and thin.