Swallowed in the Sea

now that i've gotten to this 23rd year of my life, i started realizing more things about myself that could be bettered, changed, and improved upon--so that i can become a better person, and a better friend and daughter. last year was quite a year for me, with a lot of changes, but i feel like this year can be even greater in terms of accomplishments. watching other people i know getting ready to settle down and start their lives makes me more anxious to explore everything i haven't done yet before i get to that point in my life.

i think now, having been through 4.5 years of college, i know what i want for myself, what i want from my friends and a guy that i would consider dating, as well as what i should avoid in all those situations. having been in two important relationships in the last 4.5 years, i endured the ups and downs, the euphoria of being in love, and the devestating heartbreak of breaking up. it sounds cliche, i know. but i took a lot from those experiences, especially since they were two completely different experiences.

i find myself a lot more wary and cautious than i used to be. i thought i just wanted (for awhile) to not deal with relationships, and to just enjoy the person, per se, rather than the drama. of course, that causes more drama than relationships, as i've learned. i can see from some of what my friends are doing that that's not what i need to be doing anymore! i can't just let myself be out there just "hooking up" (however this term is defined these days, it means whatever you want to think). i want a relationship, if i even feel comfortable enough to get back into that atmosphere again.

i made some mistakes, did some things that i'm not proud of, but i know the consequences and are learning from them. just working really hard on not making those mistakes again. one of my resolutions for this year was to try to cut out the negativity in my life; whether it be negative thoughts on my behalf, people who don't intend any good will towards me or my friends, and things that won't help me any bit. there's been so much bad energy in the past that i got frustrated and couldn't really do much about it...but i want to change that--i want to eliminate the things/people that were causing me so much pain from my life. such things are not worth crying over or being upset about, because life is too short to do that. i realize now that i have to start living every day like it were my last, because you never know what will happen next. i realize that nothing is guaranteed, you have to work for it and be thankful for what you have. you should never do anything that you don't believe in.

but i've found it's really hard to believe in people who don't believe in you. it's also hard to trust yourself with others when they won't trust you...and i hate the feeling i get when people are talking to me and they're telling me things that they think i want to hear, rather than what really has to be said. (this is especially frustrating when the people are younger than i am! i'm 23, i think i can handle whatever you want to throw at me, because guaranteed i've probably dealt with it before.) i want so much to give fully of myself in a relationship, whether it be with a friend or otherwise, but i can't do that if i feel like i'm being shut out from connecting with that person. to want to be someone's friend and care deeply for that person necessitates that kind of connection. i know i have to keep some of myself to myself, but i do want people to feel comfortable with me. as i with them. i just don't get that a lot from people i thought i would. i don't know if it's me, or if it's them...or if it's speaking volumes about the sincerity and depth of our friendship...

i just know that i can't keep expecting these things from people. the end result is becoming predictable, a pattern of sorts. i wonder if i should scale back my expectations, be a little less of myself in my friendships...just to protect myself more. or would it just be better to remove myself from those situations permanently?


**post title from Coldplay's "Swallowed in the Sea" from album "X & Y"**