Goodbye 2006

Well, today is the last day of 2006. In less than twelve hours, we will be in 2007. And what will this next year bring for me and for everyone else? It's definitely hard to say, but we shall see.

I will probably post a review of the year later, once I get over this whole New Year's celebrations. :-p

I Was Born a Ramblin' (Wo)Man

I've spent so much time traveling in the past two days...I drove back to Chapel Hill on Wednesday afternoon from home, basically just packed a few things in another bag, then set out on the road again for Concord to pick up Brian. That was a long trip to make by myself, the first time I've ever driven to Charlotte without having someone to talk to! Got there a little before 7 pm, Brian's mom was really nice to give me some pot roast for dinner and some apple pie, good stuff. Brian and I left and drove up to Richmond together, got there about 12:30 in the morning. I was so tired after all that driving, even though I didn't drive any from Concord to VA! But it was good to sleep in a little yesterday, had a great burger at a local place named Dot's, yum. Watched Little Miss Sunshine and the beginning of Superman Returns, will have to finish that one later. Then I drove back to Chapel Hill to get here in time for the Rutgers basketball game, for which Matt got us risers! :-D Got to hang out with Matt and Brianna afterwards, which is always awesome, and watched Over the Hedge. Now today is just chilling and hanging out with my Sarah, who is like my little sister. :-) I'm not sure how the next few days will play out...maybe hanging out again tomorrow with Brianna, maybe going home if my family does something for Dad's birthday...but for New Year's I'm going back to Richmond, most likely. It is going to be nice to have something fun to do for New Year's instead of the traditional hanging out with my parents and watching the ball drop on TV. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I can only spend so much time with them before it gets a little worn out. My family tends to drive me crazy if I linger with them too long.

I read an astrological thing on the internet today, talking about resolutions that would be beneficial for each zodiac sign. Now I'm not one to be totally reliant on astrology and all that, but sometimes the things that end up in my horoscope are pretty accurate and concurrent with events going on in my life at the time, so I read them for advice or suggestions. Well, the resolutions that this article offered me was to eliminate relationships and encounters that were negative and did nothing but bring bad feelings into my life--because I need more positive energy and people in my life for the next year. I couldn't help but laugh at myself--in a sad pitying kind of way--about how accurate it was, considering everything that I've been going over and over in my head recently. In fact, it was kind of scary how accurate it was. I realize that no matter what I do, I can only put off for so long what really needs to be done. But I've decided on some resolutions for next year, which I will post here soon when I finish my list. And I will have to wait on how events unfold in the future before I can make any more decisions...we shall see what happens.

oh beautiful

i'm sorry i couldn't tell you soon enough
that i was walking away,
saying goodbye, wiping away the tears
of this thing gone wrong.
i wish you could have known how i felt,
how i really felt...
the words i say are full of love and warmth--
they clash with empty space in time.
i hope you know that all i ever wanted
for you was happiness
at the sake of my own, i didn't care too much...
perhaps one day your smile would really be for me
rather than through me.
i idly waited for a free moment in your life
when you weren't distracted
or complicated,
hoping that your mistakes would show you
who really cared, who would always be there.
i can't compete with whatever else is out there.
nor can i spend much more time wondering
when the next time will be
that you might hurt my feelings, break my heart, make me cry...
you cause me so many sleepless nights
through pain and dreams unfinished, waking up in a sweat,
thinking the end had really come to find me.
i can't bear this memory anymore.
nor can i live to tell the tale
to someone to give me empty advice,
while not really knowing what is really going on;
how our friendship became so intertwined and almost frightening at times--
beautiful and delicate all the same.
you are the last person i would want to hurt in this world;
beautiful soul, my friend, my better half, my partner in crime,
my listening ear, everything you are to me...please don't cry.

so much we take for granted these days. our health, our jobs, our friends, our families, our everyday conveniences. and then we act affronted when those things are taken from us or altered in a way that disturbs our normal routine.

so many of us go through each day, assuming that everything we need will always be there for us, right in front of us, and some of us settle into the complacency that things aren't meant to be worked for anymore.

the truth is, you can never stop fighting, nor can you ever cease to work hard and tirelessly for the people and things you care about. otherwise you will lose them.

in an instant, a single moment, something/someone very near and dear to you can be taken away...without causation or explanation. and afterwards, you're left to deal with the remorse, guilt, pain, grief, consequences, etc. of what's happened. some people might claim that they are strong enough to take on anything, but when it happens to you, every strong leg you had underneath you gets knocked away. then you have to figure out what to do next. those of us who have faith in God trust in the fact that He will see us through these things, but you also must have faith in yourself--and what you can do--and faith in the ones you love and the things you take comfort in.

don't take people for granted. don't take the things important to you for granted, either. cherish everything that is given to you, for these are all blessings. and the people you love and trust in, these are all angels.

work in progress...

Losing Her

She would have been beautiful today;
her hair smooth and straight under a stiff blue mortarboard,
the tassel swinging dangerously with every turn of her head.
The color of her robes like the deep sapphire of the sky,
bringing out the green in her eyes.
Her Sunday best starched and crisp, ironed with perfect creases.
She would have been successful today;
a diploma in the mail, a degree in hand,
ready to take on the world with mind and heart, drive and passion.
No one realized the stress, the pressure of being perfect,
how it was too much, too fast...
it drove her to tears
trying to comprehend failure.
But she knew it. Regretfully so.
No one could understand how she felt in this moment,
standing on the edge of oblivion,
contemplating her next action
and where it would take her.
Behind her eyes lay pain, disappointment, fear,
exhaustion with all the world around her.
She didn't know how to handle it anymore.
She didn't know if when she woke up tomorrow, it would tolerable anymore.
She prayed it would, prayed that the love she gave would be returned;
but yet always felt empty-handed, empty-hearted,
left out in the cold by the ones she thought cared.
Even her real friends didn't understand, didn't see the signs
of a friend in trouble. Either that or they were too afraid themselves.
So she waited, for an opportunity to show herself
in one sure act, so that everyone would know, no doubt...
what it was that led her to this day.
They were losing her.

Almost too late to make amends.
Better hurry to reach out and touch someone who needs it,
before we fade from memory, on tragedy after another.
Count the silences and the tears that fall between you and I--you'll have your answer.

Too Late

Funny thing is
we don't see clearly
until it's too late,
staring and staring
until we're blind,
stunned by the truth.
We spend so much of our time
trying
to figure out the why's
that we forget to look inside ourselves...
we forget to think.
We forget how to feel, can't recall
what it was like
to really find yourself so inside a passion
--or pain--
and so we are all lost.
Some just find the end of the path sooner than others.
Sometimes we don't see clearly
until we are blind,
then it's too late.

I get excited about coming home because it's free food and I'm freed from the monotony of boredom at the apartment...but then I realize once I get here it won't take long for me to go crazy and want to leave the house to return to my apartment. My family is usually responsible for that. I am looking forward to Christmas, like always, but also the days after that, actually having plans for New Year's and seeing some special people I haven't seen in a long while.

But I'm definitely not enjoying this alumni status. I have no idea what I want to do now, or what to do with myself. It's going to be so strange in January when everyone else I know goes back to class and I'm just sitting around going "wtf?" I know I need to find a job. And part of my homework for the break is researching graduate schools and their programs, trying to expand the list of options for my teaching degree. I would love to be back at Carolina and graduating in the class of 2008 with my master's, but like I've heard so many times, I have to be prepared for anything.

And that means everything...whether I can see it happening or not...am not sure how these next few weeks/months will be shaping up...or how everything will be affected by current events. It's incredibly cryptic, but I hesitate to say too much at the moment.

In Spirit

Don't cry in the times
you think of me,
Smile because of the memories.
You are loved, and so missed.
Please remember I am happy
in the place I find myself now,
at peace with everything
that has burdened me down.
Know that your heart
can heal
and time smoothes over
all wounds.
In this moment,
be happy and enjoy life.
That is all that can be asked of you.
I am always here,
even if not within reach...but in spirit.

oh, it was fun while it lasted...but all good things must come to an end, right?

Empathy...

...is one of the strongest ways that we connect with others, whether they are our friends or family, or people we've never even met or spoken to. It spans the divide between religions, races, and economic differences to tie people together in an emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical context. Empathy allows us to relate to one another and provides us with a support network that we don't realize exists most of the time--until we need it.

To reach out and touch someone, to comfort them with the words and the gesture of "I understand" is one of the most powerful feelings I can attest to. It's wonderful to have people care about you and what happens to you, but it's even better to have people to really understand and identify with what you're going through. Only these people can really know how you may be feeling, because they've been there before. We need more of this kind of people in our lives, just as we need our friends and family to be there for us. One person is not going to understand everything that you experience nor know why it upsets you, so we seek a multitude of people who are outside of our comfort realms to show us why it is that we feel a certain way. Sometimes we do it without thinking; sometimes without even knowing that we are connecting to another individual on the same emotion.

So I'd like to say this, to an almost perfect stranger...I know how you feel.
I'm right there with you. I can't promise it will be easy to deal with, or that it will get better soon, but it will get better.

To everyone who reads this, make an effort to find those you can reach out and touch when that comfort is needed--you never know what kind of connection you can make.

when the rain comes

so this song has been stuck in my head for a long, long while...very pretty...by third day, if you haven't heard anything by them, hit me up, i have some of their music.

When the Rain Comes
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide / Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall
on everyone
So rest awhile / it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes/ I will hold you

life is a lot like a house of mirrors

what is the point of making an effort when that effort is shot through with holes? makes you feel like crap that you ever tried at all...and makes you even less likely to make another effort...i see this happening and yet i'm like a fool in a fun house of mirrors, running headlong into another one just because i think i see the passage out...

i hate it when i pour my heart out, all my feelings and i'm crying because it hurts to say those things, and yet the person i'm trying to make see the point still misses it entirely. i wonder why i even take the time.

"september"

fresh-cut wild onions
hit my nose as soon
as my feet hit the porch
the screen door comes back
to catch me
before i put my jacket on.
leaves crumble beneath my flip-flops
as i trudge
to the bus stop,
soon my toes will be begging
for socks
and sensible shoes,
the ends of my pants
rolled further and further
down
until their distressed ends
sweep like little brooms
across the ground.
the onions are brisk,
woody,
and spicy.
the leaves smell like dust--
when i kick them up,
i sneeze, out of habit.
the dirt outside my apartment
has been freshly tilled;
brown and golden,
clay and earth.
it doesn't yet smell like death.

"in secret"

And I will hide
in the darkest corners
in the shadows where you can't find me.
And I will watch
enviously
as you live and breathe
in the sunlight.
Let me close my eyes against the bright,
pack up my things, store these feelings
in boxes,
let me stow away the memories.
I want to be somewhere so far away
in a place where
you can't touch me,
nor find me with your prying eyes.
I am no longer your inconvenience
nor your easy answer...convenience...
to the desires in your head.
I know you see right through me
(but) never really seeing instead,
you see something I can never hope to be.
My breath wasted, my time running thin,
I don't know why I'm taking space here...
I should be somewhere, just not here.

starting fresh (?)

so i started my "rehab" today. it's not easy, but no one ever said it would be. but i needed to make some decisions, and i made them...of course, the result might not be liked by some, but odds are they won't even notice...

i realized when i was sitting in my car early sunday morning, crying in the dark, slightly drunk, with my "sad songs" playlist going on my ipod cause it fit my mood...that things needed to be different. i knew. i knew that the status quo would never be different, no matter how much i wanted it to be or tried to direct it to be. i knew that i should have left that party several drinks earlier, when i was only slightly tipsy. i knew that i shouldn't have let myself give into a false sense of security in order to feel "comforted," if only for a few minutes...i knew i shouldn't leave myself open any longer to be hurt or used, just because i was there and very convenient

cause sooner or later you realize you can't keep putting up the front that everything is okay...smiling through your tears and pain only lasts for so long before you break...until someone/something affects you in such a way that you just explode...

and i don't want to explode...or implode again for that matter...

so i have to say goodbye. i have to do this so that i can get you out of me, out of my mind, my skin, my heart. i realized something else that night...how much you don't need me anymore. i'm just filling space between the ideal you want and what you have at this moment...and i'm beginning to see that i don't need that pain anymore...

we have seemed to grow out of each other.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

my apologies m.

things are falling

the weather today makes me happy to realize that fall is certainly coming to chapel hill once again. the official start of autumn is saturday, but i don't mind if the weather responds in kind sooner than that! of course, this is also the time of year when i tend to become more nostalgic than the other 3/4 of the year...only a few know why.

on another note, this whole friendship situation is very near about to implode...but he doesn't seem to realize it yet.

the things we do to ourselves

tell me where we went wrong
tell me why i miss you so
and where did you go?

the clouds are coming in
the rain starts to fall
and with it goes my smile.

tell me why we fell apart
tell me how we failed ourselves
how did we make this?

every time i think maybe
this could be the time you let me in
i run into your mirrors once again

tell me why the smoke and games
tell me who's got the blame
for what we do to each other

something brighter has caught your eye
that's the only reason i can see
that explains the way we're acting

tell me why we grow up
tell me how we've grown apart
we can't see eye-to-eye anymore

i wanted to be there for you
and to have you here for me
but all that's here is emptiness (where you stood).

the nature of girlfriends

over the past few weeks i have come to realize how much more important girlfriends are in comparison to guys in a gal's life. girlfriends won't think of you only as a sexual object, they won't ditch you to make out with other guys, and they genuinely want to hang out with you and have conversations on a regular basis--especially in-depth ones about serious topics!

i do realize though that for the longest time, i seemed to be acruing more guy friends than girl friends, just because i found it easier to talk to guys and get along with them...i guess that came from growing up with my little brother. and being in serious relationships with guys for extended periods of time meant i had that built-in guy friend i could talk to about anything. but once i wasn't in a relationship anymore, i found i still needed a guy friend (one that could be a really good one i hoped) because i enjoyed having that perspective in my life. i thought i had two really good guy friends i could count on, each with different perspectives on life and with different experiences i shared with them...but as of late, it's like the distance between me and them has grown to be an ocean...i don't feel like we connect anymore, sadly.

but i am most greatful to megan for this past weekend and reaffirming my need for positive girls in my life, rather than guys who serve no purpose but to upset me. she and i have so many in-depth and insightful conversations, it really helps to just put things in perspective with her. she calls me her personal psychiatrist, but she is also mine!

it's so hard sometimes for us to step outside ourselves and see what we're doing wrong and what can be improved...but this weekend, i really got that chance to see how i fit in with the rest of the people i surround myself with, and those that i meet through others. i also saw how being in two different worlds affects people and how they act...mainly just a difference between the world of chapel hill versus the world of charlotte...the two are both home to universities, but totally different personas and atmospheres! (to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, "well duh," just humor me.) it's really a shock between the two cultures that exist even with a common group made of college students. unc charlotte exists in like an alternate universe than chapel hill. i guess that's why unc chapel hill attracts certain people and retains them, and why some of those who start at carolina end up going somewhere else (because they don't feel connected to what the school atmosphere is like). connecting to the place you attend school is a major part of actually liking it and being involved in it, it helps you adjust better with that transition between high school and college. i think the people we surround ourselves with are determined greatly by the atmosphere that we embed ourselves in, too. we pick our friends based on the people who can relate the best with us and share in our experiences and the environment they live in.

but having good girl friends really helps you see things a lot clearer, especially in that hazy realm of guys. even when i'm convinced that i can't see around a problem i'm having with one, i've been presented with a solution due to a girl friend having a great idea! girls really do stick together to keep their friends from getting hurt. i appreciate my girlfriends being there for me, to have fun and be silly when i'm sad. :)

how to break up with your best friend

"Make new friends. Keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Surely everyone has heard that song before, maybe even sung it at camp or whatnot. But as I recall those words, their meaning sadly reflects onto the current situation.

I don't know how well I can put into words what I wanted to express here...this is the only way I know how...


For You

I am sad
that this is how life goes
when we grow up,
we grow apart from the things
that we used to know.
I am sorry for what happened
that changed everything,
even though
I am not sure what that was.
You should know I miss you
and the way we were
when our friendship began.
I don't know where or when things went wrong,
I just remember the times we fought
and the times you made me smile.
You showed me so much,
blessed me with your wisdom,
and gave me so much comfort when I cried
and when I hurt, even if it might have been over you.
Thank you for being there for me
even when everyone else walked away
and let me down.
I hope that you find
what you're looking for,
maybe a truer friend than I could ever be...
I'll never know.
So I wish you
goodbye, good luck, I send my love.

if you ever wondered where my parents got their inspiration to name me heather, this is it...heather is a purple flower that grows in scotland...as seen in the picture to the left. now heather refers to a style of fabric coloring, like "heather grey" or "heather red." i guess i can't complain, being named after a flower...the other choice was hildegard...eek!

all smiles on campus

part of what i love about carolina is the friendliness of the student body...people who visit our campus are often taken aback by the warm openess that accompanies every carolina student, from offering directions around campus to engaging in long conversations with potential students in their spare time. call it southern hospitality.

that friendliness has been demonstrated to me so many times today, in friends and strangers alike...

the pit i love especially, for the fact that everybody goes there to meet up with friends before meals, club meetings, or just to hang out. all around me today were people chattering about their summers, classes, exchanging smiles and hugs in greeting to those they hadn't likely seen since last may. i love people watching, not in the stalkerish kind of way, but just because that's my natural writer's instinct kicking in...i enjoy being able to see how people interact.

today i had the pleasure of eating breakfast with a good friend of mine, a surprise of meeting another friend in the pit (one whom i had not seen in ages), lunch with yet another friend, and then meeting two very nice guys tonight at dinner (all of us formerly complete strangers who shared a table at ramshead because of the dinner rush). now if only everybody outside of this little bubble of chapel hill could extend the same courtesies as i have been privy to today, i do believe things would be a lot better off.

most of all...yay for a surprise visit from a special person of mine i miss very much...you have no idea how much this meant to me! :-D

favorite song of the moment

this is such a thought-provoking song, pretty much everytime i hear it, i have to stop and listen to it just because it's so emotion-evoking...

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

ever felt like a piece of trash?

i've come to the realization that most of the trouble in my life stems from me saying too much of what i feel, or not saying enough when the time calls for it, just because i'm too nice to do otherwise...

people tell me all the time that i'm the nicest, most sincere person they know. but if they only knew how my sincerity comes back to taunt me on a regular basis, they would tell me that i'm probably stupid for being as nice as i have been so many times before. it's equivalent to being stepped on and ignored many times over, and as a result, i am left to "clean up" messes and nurse my wounded feelings. i know there's probably other people who can attest to feeling the same way, if only at least PART of the time. really, it's just a matter of the fact i feel i wouldn't be a good friend if i finally just put my foot down about something...totally the wrong idea, i know. and i realize that perhaps i'm not being the best friend when i secretly wish that things don't work out for some people...

change? why change?

why do people have to change so drastically? i hate that we try to change ourselves to fit the mold of people that we want to be like or be with, just because we think it will make ourselves more easily accepted...but in the process, we're not only losing ourselves as original individuals, we're losing all of those who liked us being original.

i also dislike when we shove aside our old friends to make room to hang out with people that couldn't less about us, just because they're there and convenient. how can you be okay with being used, much less willingly admit it to other people?

friendship shouldn't be about having to "schedule" a time to hang out, weeks in advance...whatever happened to spontaneity in life? the freedom to just call up a friend and get together? oh, but when you are so involved in yourself and your personal gains (sometimes at the pain of others) that you can't realize there's a world out there that wants to know you, then i can't blame you for being self-centered.

but hey, your old friends are still here, still deserving of respect and attention, even if we don't fit in the "flavor of the month" club.

and just because you can only think in one direction, doesn't mean you have to take that direction...there are other options you know.

maybe "not right now" really means "not right now"...don't push the issue.

but i know you're too stubborn to admit when you're wrong or when others are right...your pride keeps you from being humble...and makes the rest of us even more pissed off when you can't understand why we're upset in the first place. if i'm telling you something's wrong, something is wrong, i don't care if you don't think it's a BIG thing...something's wrong, dammit, so listen and stop being stubborn about it.

back to school update

well, the second day of fall semester 2006 has run its course for me...only had one class today, intro to jazz music. it seems good, i'm hoping that i will learn a lot from it, and actually get a liking/appreciation for it by the end of the semester...jazz isn't really my thing, but i'm willing to give it a try, considering. i think it was matt's doing, introducing me to the wonders of michael buble last year, along with dci, and a little bit of jazz through his love of the genre, and also his sax playing. i miss matt playing for me, i hope maybe he'll do it again sometime.

speaking of matt, i wonder if i really do have the ability to predict the future and have it come true...? all those predictions i made last semester, about this year, slowly coming true...sadly.

i want to meditate more on that later...now for errands...so much to do!

heather's life soundtrack

Open whatever program stores your music, hit shuffle, then list the songs in the order they appear down the list. No cheating!

Opening credit: Comedown [UNC Clefhangers]
Waking up: Bad Idea [Ben Folds]
Average day: Gone Going [Black Eyed Peas feat. Jack Johnson]
First Date: Virginia, No One Can Warn You [Tift Merritt]
Falling in love: Killing Me Softly [Lauren Hill & the Fugees]
Fight scene: Die Without You [UNC Clefhangers]
Breaking up: Gravity [Embrace]
Getting back together: Everything's Alright [Jesus Christ Superstar]
Secret love: 21st Century Kid [Jamie Cullum]
Life's okay: Ridin' Dirty [Paul Wall]
Mental breakdown: No Good Deed [Wicked]
Driving: Young America [Jump Little Children]
Learning a lesson: When Will You Come Back Home [Ryan Adams & the Cardinals]
Deep thought: Come Together [Third Day]
Flashback: F*ck It (I Don't Want You Back) [Eamon]
Partying: Out of My Mind [John Mayer Trio]
Happy dance: What A Difference A Day Made [Jamie Cullum]
Regretting: Take Me or Leave Me [Rent]
Long night alone: On Your Wings [Iron & Wine]
Death scene: Bastard [Ben Folds]

politically confused?

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal or Conservative are you?

music as it is in my life (this is interesting)

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs?: 1135 (this is part of why my laptop doesn't run well anymore!)

Sort by artist
First artist: 112
Last artist: Zero 7

Sort by song name
First: "0% Interest" by Jason Mraz
Last: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time
Shortest Song: "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today" from the Avenue Q soundtrack
Longest Song: Michael Jackson medley by the UNC Clefhangers

First Album: #1's by Mariah Carey
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You by Matchbox Twenty
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Here I Am to Worship" by PLUS ONE

How many songs come up when you search for "sex": 3
How many songs come up when you search for "death": 43 (i have a lot of deathcab for cutie, that's why)
How many songs come up when you search for "love": 55 (yep, definitely a romantic)
How many songs come up when you search for "you": 165 (you is a very popular word in songs apparently)
How many songs come up when you search for "why": 2
How many songs come up when you search for "God": 8 (funny, i thought it would be more with my huge selection of Christian music)
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy": 11

rainy days

rainy days are good for naps. right now i wish i could take one. but i have to stay awake for another 50 minutes so i can check out residents here in ehaus south. i've been here for 5 hours and only checked out 5 residents...so not too terribly exciting.

rainy days also make me sad and nostalgic. i wake up in the morning to the sound of rain falling on the balcony outside and i just have to lie there and think for a while. i used to think it was so beautiful, the way it washed all the dirt and such away and made everything cleaner, but now the rain holds so much deeper, more painful meaning. just like i'm foreboding when the air gets cool again in the fall and the moon comes out full and big as a dinnerplate. those nights will haunt me now as well. i can't watch a carolina baseball game without thinking of the night we snuck into the stadium and it was almost a full moon there. the memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will make me smile with the tenderness and excitement of the moment, but then in their absence, i'll remember i don't have those moments now. i'll think of you with both a smile on my face but tears in my eyes because only you have managed to touch my heart that way. i love you, i can't deny that, as much as i've tried to ignore the feeling or forget it...i try to hide it with little success. and now that you're leaving i wonder if it will make it easier to forget, which in itself is a dangerous thing. you're one i can't forget, leaving such a impressionable mark on my heart. to do without you in my life would be painful. i just don't know how the future will play out for you, for me, for us (if a possibility)...

but if i have to wait 3/4 years to be able to see you again and see how you feel...i don't give a damn what else happens in the meantime. i might be sad, and i might complain, but i just gotta wait and see...i can't give up on that possibility...i'm sorry. there's just something in the way that i feel about you that won't let me let it go that easily. perhaps there's a greater reason for that that neither you or i understand. we just need to wait and see...promise me you'll try to see that.

i do love you--very much. and i can't describe how much i will miss you once you've gone and you're not within 15 min reach. i don't know how things will be without you and i being close. i just hope it matters.

the beginning of the end

and so it goes...i title this post thusly because i realize that within a few days, everything will be very different in my life. not just because i'm not graduating (or at least i think i won't be doing so on time), but because a lot of people i know are going to be graduating and leaving chapel hill. forever. i hate to think of how things are going to be different. and somehow a few people aren't realizing the full implication of it all, no matter how much i try to explain it.

b--i can't even begin to say how much i will miss you. right now i can't even imagine what i will do without you in my life. i love you so much hon, and it pains me to have to say goodbye. so i won't. this is only until i see you again.

m--hey you, you should know that things will never be the same for us, no matter how things wind up this summer/next year. our friendship (as we know it) is forever altered. i wish that it didn't have to be so complicated, but i know that circumstances aren't really going to allow for that. my feeling is that with us, i might have to say goodbye, as much as i don't want that to happen...but i feel something terrible brewing...

for all the girls I know

-To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky.
-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.
-To every girl who will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for him.
-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the "other" girl instead.
-To every girl who would die to have a decent boyfriend.
-To every girl who won't settle for the jerk.
-To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.
-To every girl who cries at night because of another heartbreak.
-To every girl who won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.
-To every girl who just wants to hold hands.
-To every girl who kisses him with meaning.
-To every girl who just wishes he cared.
-To every girl who would just once want a guy to give his jacket up when she is cold.
-To every girl who just wants him to call.
-To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.
-To every girl who just wants to cuddle.
-To every girl who just wants to sleep with him, without having sex.
-To every girl who is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times or so badly.
-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
-To every girl who thought maybe he could be the one.
-To every girl who believes in her dreams.
-To every girl who would do anything so she could achieve those dreams.
-To every girl who laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.
-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.
-To every girl who has been cheated on because she's not a whore who gives it up to any guy.
-To every girl who doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.
-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.
-To every girl who fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.
-To every girl who gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.
THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

i think i've been sufficiently numbed to disappointment. sad to say, but it happens, you know?

life has been a series of disappointments for me lately, one thing after another. it's been running like that since december. and now i just sit and take it.

in the beginning i cried a lot. and i protested it, every little change and thing i didn't like. but that doesn't get you anywhere, so i realized. i've since stopped that method and gone on to the silent acceptance that life will continue having its way with me and there's nothing i can do about it. i cry occasionally when things become too much. i think i've cried twice in the past 2 weeks, sort of related to the same thing. before then it was about something else. and i know that there is probably more to come as the semester goes on...

i feel like i'm just letting go to different parts of my life. so as it should be?

i can't do anything with brian right now, time will only tell with that. and i'm ruining matt's life just trying to be his friend, interfering in all his business just because i think i can be that age once again and do everything over. i realize now how much i would have done differently in the past 3 years. i just need to let him be him and have his fun and figure out what he wants and stop trying to insert myself somewhere in there. i guess if that means just not talking to him anymore and not being friends then that's what will have to happen.

i hate life right now.

gosh, i've had so much going on lately. my life is in shambles i swear. i'm worn down and worn out, i don't know what to do. so many issues with school and life and guys, i can't make heads or tails of it. and i can't shake this cold, it's been bothering me for forever. i struggle to make it to class in the morning cause all i really want to do is sleep. i feel so LAZY! gah! i'm wondering sometimes if it's more than laziness though.

i stopped talking to brian. or at least i'm trying to. the effort keeps getting ruined by the fact that i can't avoid running into him some places, some times. but i decided i am not going back to pcm because i just can't do it anymore. i tried, and i don't feel welcome. and i don't feel like we're friends. there was this period of time during doing the show that i was so busy i didn't have time to think about him, but now that i'm done with the show, everything's come back to me full force. it hit on thursday like a ton of bricks. and it hurt, so much to the point that i cried on the p2p on the way home.

it's not just things with him that are bothering me. it's things with matt that are bothering me too.

as much as i try to tell him that things are bothering me and what exactly is going on, i feel like the subject in question is constantly avoided. it upsets me how i feel. i shouldn't feel this way. but i can't stop. what do i do about how i feel?

every now and then i think i'm going to slip up and say the wrong thing.

i'm acting like a child. i'm jealous, so jealous and i shouldn't be.

i feel like our friendship has been ruined and i hate that. so much uncomfortableness and awkwardness and formality! why? i wish things could go back to how they were before, i mean, even before february even got here. just four weeks ago things were OKAY with us, and now so much has happened that four weeks have turned into eternity.

i just want to have a normal conversation, have normal feelings where i don't feel like a jerk for everything.

a return to the ages

i think if maybe i can find time, i'll come back to this eventually, i realized the other day that i need writing again to release all this frustration building up. i need to start writing so i'll know how i feel, even if nobody else will. i miss poetry. and fiction.