The new song and video by Maroon 5. Enjoy. :-D
Saturday, March 31
"Makes Me Wonder"
written by Heather at 1:36 AM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: music
Friday, March 30
choosing to fight battles
(Note: 8/18/07) A long ago conversation between a female friend & I. I recently uncovered this in my archives.
I'm very heartsick over this whole "Matt has a girlfriend" thing. I thought I was in a lot of pain after Brian broke up with me last year, but this is twice as bad. It's like a friendship and a "relationship" break-up at the same time. Matt seriously broke my heart, and I feel lost because now I don't know where to go from here. I know if I stay I just end up hurting myself more as time goes on and she replaces me as the best friend. He said it would be a long time before that was even a possibility, but I guess a long time wasn't that long after all. And the crazy thing about it is, he's not even happy with the fact that he's in a relationship. He says that it's like he knows she's not the one, but yet he likes her well enough to go out with her. I don't understand his logic well enough...he's wanted a relationship pretty much since the moment Christy broke up with him, went through all that crap with those girls, and now that he has what he's wanted, he's not even excited about it. :-/ I know I need to get out now while I still have some part of me intact (although I don't know what that is). That's the only way I'm going to avoid the pain and agony that's bound to ensue. I'm really upset and crying over the fact that I lost someone I really care about, someone I really love, to someone who he isn't excited about and probably won't appreciate him the way I do. But I realize you can't make people love you, or feel however you want them to. I can't guarantee that he will ever feel that way, even if I were to leave and he could realize what I mean to him. (If anything important at all.) I am also upset with the fact that he passed up something that could have been really awesome, simply because he just didn't feel that way. I don't even know if he could try. But it makes me so sad, all around.
The whole thing reminds me of a song that says "You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall." The fact of the matter is that it takes two people, equally dedicated, to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try, if he isn't willing to love as hard as you do, it won't work and you are one who ends up hurt. As for this girl, don't worry about her replacing you. She may consume his time and attention, but it is the same thing we talked about with trying to replace Matt. When someone leaves an impression on you, no one will ever fill that role precisely. I don't know how or what Matt feels right now, but I know he has cared about you in the past. I remember the times when Britt was crazy about him but he used to blow her off for you. That is just his style. It hurts like hell now when you are on the other end, but you should never take it as a personal reflection of the type of person you are. The only thing you are guilty of is loving the wrong person and not realizing it until you were in too deep. We all do it at some point. This whole thing just proves that the only way you are going to protect yourself from the pain he inflicts is to push him away. The less you know about his escapades, the better off you are. I guess in some cases it is true, ignorance IS bliss. The pain of a broken heart is the worst pain humans are capable of experiencing, but at the same time, I have learned to be thankful for that pain because at least is proves that we CAN feel. You know how much love to give, and you know you can make someone happy. It hurts like hell because it isn't the person you want it to be, but that is like trying to make a shoe fit that is 3 sizes too small just because you love the way they look. God has a person for you, and it is tough to accept, but it may not be Matt. You have learned a lot of valuable lessons from him that you can be thankful for, and once you see what they are, the pain will heal. You will find someone who appreciates you, and I would be willing to be money, it will be when you least expect it.
Do you think with all of that going on I should try to maintain the friendship and not ask for details, or just give it up because it would be too much? Things make it hard to figure out what would be a better option.
I'm not one to advocate backing down from a challenge, but sometimes we all have to admit defeat. Cut your losses and move on...you are strong enough.
Yeah, I don't think this is a battle I want to fight 'cause I know I won't make any victories in it. I probably won't tell him I'm doing it this time, because then that just gives him the chance to try and convince me I'm wrong for doing it, and I can't take any more of that emotional bungeeing. I know that I can probably deal with this, but I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from, that really sucks. And I hate to try and 'borrow" it from you guys, cause you all have things you have to worry about yourselves.
And by the way, don't let me ever hear you feel guilty again for "borrowing strength" from your friends. That is what they are for. People are not solitary creatures. We are not meant to silently suffer by ourselves. If we cannot lean on each other, we are doomed to fall. If there is not a hand to pick us up, we are destined to lie there.
written by Heather at 12:15 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Thursday, March 29
To be "almost honest"
I changed the title of my blog again, but I think this reflects things more accurately. Plus, that song by Josh Kelley has been perpetually stuck in my head.
I think a lot of times when we talk to people, even the ones we are closest to, we are "almost honest." I know that our friends and family expect us to be completely honest with them about what's going on, but sometimes the littlest bit of yourself needs to be kept to yourself. Otherwise you just have everything hanging out there for people to see, use and abuse, and there's no personal bit of yourself left. I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to people about what I think or what's going on, but I might keep some things to myself that I only really want myself to know. I feel like so many people would look at me differently if they knew what I know, and I don't want that to be the case.
Truth is, there are some things I can never share with the rest of the world. Only a trusted few have been lucky to hear some of the crazy things that have been going on with me, because I know that they understand, and would never share that information with others. (As much as I've been told that I need to talk to some individuals about stuff that would be greatly helpful to know, I just can't bring myself to make those confessions.)
Only God really knows and understands the pain, the weakness, the deepest secrets in my heart. I pray that He will help me through these difficult times.
It seems that there's been no break from difficult moments these past few months...pretty much since the new year started it's been one thing or another; one trial or another to wreak havoc on me. I hope that somewhere in here there is a break; something that will allow me to stand up and dust myself off and maybe to get going again. I know that He's testing me for something yet to come, but He knows that I'm not the strongest person ever...I'm rather fragile emotionally. I don't know how many more tests I can endure, God, I don't want to break again.
I thought I had felt pain before this, but this is twice as bad. It's almost like having a relationship break up and losing a close friendship at the same time, a double whammy to the gut. The pain cuts deeper, I feel more lost, and more haunted by time than before. You care about every person differently; you love each person you fall in love with differently, as well. No one emotion is ever the same in the realm of love. The people you love make certain of that. And there is no trying to love someone new the way you loved in the past--it could never work because you end up trying to make comparisons between the old and the new. (That ends up driving you and the one you care about apart, trying to hold him/her up to expectations that are completely unique to each person in your life.)
Something from the Bible has really jumped out at me during this time. (I've spent more time recently delving into the Bible and finding passages that help me to try and understand what's going on in life these days, and also invested more time in church lately than I have been in the past. It really does help.)
Matthew 16:26: What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
I feel like this helps to reinforce my point that everyone should try to keep a little of himself or herself to themselves at times, and not give out everything that they have, for there is nothing left if they do. By giving up your soul to gain everything that you ever wanted in the world, you are giving up your essence as a person and taking on whatever evils you open yourself up to. In addition, there has to be a limit to how much of yourself you give to people you care about, otherwise you just run the risk of expending yourself to the point of emptiness. (Like I feel now, sadly.) You can only invest so much emotionally (and physically) in your endeavors before you have to step back and call it quits...I am so there now.
written by Heather at 9:34 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Now I can see that I need to move on. This heartbreak will hopefully push me in that direction, so I can get past the hurdle that keeps me here. I will miss you though, for you are so special to me.
written by Heather at 2:36 AM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Wednesday, March 28
This has been a good week for my musical tastes. :-D First I find out that John Mayer is coming to Walnut Creek Ampitheatre in July with Ben Folds, which is AMAZING in itself...I finally get to see Ben Folds and John Mayer (under the same roof)!
Then I find out today that Maroon 5 is FINALLY putting out another CD. Thank goodness...Songs About Jane came out in like 2003ish, so it's been a long time coming. The first single off of the new CD is called "Makes Me Wonder." The CD, entitled It Won't Be Soon Before Long, will be out on May 22nd.
written by Heather at 11:23 PM 1 things you wanted to say
Notes: music
Tuesday, March 27
You know how sometimes you discover a musical artist or a group that you really enjoy? And then you just kinda go on a streak of finding all the stuff you can by that person, just because you're eager to explore everything that this artist has to offer.
It's especially good when he or she has a ton of songs that you can listen to and be like "I can identify with what this song is saying, and that's awesome!"
While browsing for songs from Smallville, I came across the song "Cain and Able" by Josh Kelley. This song was featured in episode 8 of this season, entitled "Rage." (If you haven't gotten to see this season, or Smallville in general, I highly recommend it! I just only got into the show last year, and have since then caught up on all the seasons.)
But after hearing this song, I went on a search to see what else Josh Kelley had done. And so I came across a song called "Amazing," which I recognized as a radio hit that had been released a few years ago. In addition, I found "Almost Honest," which is quite an emotionally charged song, dealing with honesty in relationships. Of course, it doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships, it also goes for your friendships as well. The lyrics I will post below, and I hope you get the chance to listen to this song. (I am working on trying to get it uploaded somewhere so you can hear it.) Enjoy.
"Almost Honest"
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl
She's easy on the eyes
She was easy
And so was I
My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest
Been a long time
Since I lay with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else
Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest
My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love
I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest
written by Heather at 2:31 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: music
Monday, March 26
A sad time at UNC
The atmosphere of the campus at the moment is so somber.
Beneath Carolina blue skies, the UNC community mourns the loss of Jason Ray, one of the lucky few who got to portray Rameses at Carolina sporting events. I never knew him personally, but he did touch all of our lives just by being Rameses and by loving Carolina so much. It always saddens me to hear about the deaths of young people with so much potential in life, because I ache for those lives cut short. I really wanted for Jason to be able to experience graduation from UNC, and to go on and enjoy all of the things that he had going for him. Sadly, things like this do happen to good people, and all we can do is grieve, remember, and go on with our memories to guide us in our lives.
This is a very touching story from Tarheelblue.com, the official athletics website of Carolina.
And this is the rewritten text of a poem that expresses Jason's importance to the University. The original author is unknown.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the grass beneath the cleats;
I am the court beneath the feet.
I am the walls of the beloved Dome
Which I so proudly called my home.
I am in the crowd's passionate cheers,
which cannot be dampened by human tears.
I will always be around in spirit.
Listen for my voice, and you will hear it.
When you think of UNC,
That is where I will always be.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
for I am not there,
I did not die."
written by Heather at 11:06 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
I don't think I know what to say anymore. My heart, my brain, my soul; all are spent. I sit here with tears in my eyes; tears comprised of anger, sadness, and frustration. I write this as a broken soul, falling to my knees before you all and Him, knowing that I have nothing left to give for everything I had is gone. All of my energy, all of the love and affection, and all of my self has been given out and I have nothing left to keep me going. What can I do now? Even with all of my friends' help, it will be hard to replenish what is lost.
God, I am here before you as a broken soul, please heal my heart and ease my suffering.
written by Heather at 12:15 AM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Tuesday, March 20
This comes from my friend Danielle's blog, but I wanted to cross-post it so that maybe more people would get the chance to read it, because it's really relevant and important for people to read!
After spending a lot of time with Heather lately, I have come to a lot of realizations about the things in this world people do that I just can't stand. There are people in my life these days that never cease to disappoint me, and it shouldn't be that way. My new resolve, and Heather's I think as well, is to rid ourselves of these people and learn to move on and appreciate the people that never let me down. Among the things I can no longer allow myself to tolerate:
1. Not doing what you say you are going to do. For example, if you say you are going to call, call! It takes two seconds to follow up on a verbal promise like that. For instance, if you say you are going to call because you want to hang out, at least give the person the courtesy of calling even if you don't have time at that moment to hang out. I see myself and others spending time hanging on the verbal promises people make, and then we are constantly disappointed by people that never follow through. Don't say it if you don't mean it.
2. Lying. I heard someone say once that a lie by omission is still a lie and I believe that. Now, lets be realistic...sometimes its not always possible to be truthful. However, friends are the people you should never lie to. Sometimes we don't always tell our family the truth because it is necessary to be able to live your own life without too much prying. Friends do not pry unnecessarily and they should never judge. Friends deserve the whole truth because friends are the ones who chose to stick around and support you. I can't think of anything I would ever conceal from Heather, because as friends, I trust her. I can confide in her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Even if I did something I thought she wouldn't like, I would tell her. Without honesty, there is no way to confront problems and move on. In essence, I have nothing to hide from her so I don't have to worry. Other people aren't as honest, and thus, the trust is gone. I can't be friends with someone I can't trust.
3. Taking people for granted. Friends chose to be your friend. They are people and they have feelings. If you take them for granted, it is only a matter of time before they wise up and leave your sorry butt in the dust. A friend will last so long as you make the effort to cultivate the relationship. When you begin to assume that they will always be there, no matter what, is just when they may decide to pack up and leave. A friendship is a relationship and it has to be a two-way street. If one person carries the burden of always having the be the one that gives and makes the effort, they will inevitably grow weary of it.
4. Using people for personal gain. I could name names (but I won't), but there are people in this world that only ever contact you when they want something. Maybe they want a favor, or they want to be invited to a party or such. They don't call to see just how you or doing and they don't call when they know you are down and need a friend. That's not a friend, that's a user. I don't have time for people like that and I am tired of seeing people do it to my friends. It's just plain selfish.
5. Pettiness. I am 20 years old, I know I have a lot to learn and I know that. It amazes me though when I am surrounded by peers who can still act like they are in high school and not feel any moral inclination to grow up. They still obsess over the "me, me, me" mentality. They are too concerned with what makes them happy to consider the consequences it may have on others. Now, I am not advocating living your life only to please others. That is certainly a futile practice. But when you chose to lie, use, or take someone for granted just because it makes you happy, that makes you a pretty low person. It is a sad existence when you get your kicks from hurting others. Those are certainly not friends.
With all of this said, can you think of something you have said you would do that you didn't make an effort to follow up on? Did you lie to a friend or keep something from them? Even if not, take the chance to let your closest friends know how much you care about them and why. Friends need affirmation just like a spouse or significant other. It is not enough to say you care, but your friends should know why. A friend should never feel like their good efforts go unnotived or unappreciated. Friends bring so much happiness, and only ask for a small committment in return. Friends aren't like like spouses where there is a ceremony and a legal document to solidify the relationship. Friends will stick around, but all they need is a little appreciation and they will be there through thick and thin.
written by Heather at 11:44 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
I love having insightful friends. They provide me with gems of knowledge and wisdom that either make me laugh, make me cry, or make me think. And on a night like tonight, when good friendship was in high demand, it made me happy that I could talk to each of my insightful pals and gather their perspectives on things.
One of tonight's insightful, deep thoughts (not verbatim, sorry!) : "I know how hard it would be to completely remove him from your life, because then there would be a huge hole that would be hard to fill. No matter how much we tried, we know that we can't fill that hole completely because of the way you care about him. Although you obviously care about all of your friends, there is something different in the way you care about him versus someone else."
True indeed. I care very much about all of my friends, and I would hope that they would do the same. And of course, I know I care about him in a much different way than I care about my other friends, simply because of the depth of our friendship and the time that we've had to cultivate it through our experiences together. I realize that completely removing his presence from my life would be disastrous, and would cause a lot of damage to my emotional state.
But I'm seeing that I can no longer take everything into my hands, for it gives me too much stress to try and make people want to be my friends and spend time with me. They have to want it, too, and on their own terms. So this is my message to Matt: if you really want me around and in your life, I need to know it and see it. I need proof. I'm not making the effort anymore to keep you around; no, it's your turn. You know that I would be there for you no matter what...but I'm not guaranteed to stick around when I feel I have no place to be as your "best friend." Don't prove me right.
written by Heather at 2:06 AM 1 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Monday, March 19
Moving forward...
...is what people do. You can't go back, you can't return to a past incarnation of yourself and think that rolling back the clock is going to change the way you are. People rarely go back to the way they used to be; if anything, they can change further from who they are currently. (So are the wise words of a really awesome friend of mine.) I used to think that if I was patient enough, then the traits of someone I used to know would reemerge when that time came around. I am beginning to see that that probably isn't likely to happen; if anything, he will keep as he is, and perhaps change more into what of he never was before. This is exactly what I, and others, don't want to see, but we cannot keep him from changing or being who he is. But I dare think that anyone really agrees, accepts, or can compromise with the transformation.
In the process of changing, we end up pushing away those that we are close to, simply because they don't know how to react to the changes. I for one cannot find where I fit in this person's life anymore, I don't even know if there is a spot meant for me to have, for perhaps time has made our friendship incompatible. It is sad but true--people do grow out of each other. Friends spend so much time together at one point, but then can grow apart when they want different things from life and enter different points of their lives. Space is probably one of the most damaging things to a relationship (and that includes friendships). For it is the space that is created between friends when they discover new things and new people in their lives that ends up pushing them apart. Space creates uncertainty, doubt, assumption, and consequently, distrust, anger, and fear.
We fear so often that the ones we care about most will leave us, in one circumstance or another. Death, an invitable occurence, is something that can be dealt with in one's own way, and gradually accepted. But to have a friend leave and part ways with you for reasons you can't quite understand, is something as equally painful as the passing of a loved one. Because for in death, there is life through rememberance of that person. But without the love of our most beloved companions, life is bleak and empty. There is no closure if a friend just leaves, if the friendship "dies" from space inserted into its fabric...the one left is stuck wondering how things could have ended that way, and she questions herself and her worth as a person in the ability to be a good friend.
In an homily a few weeks ago at a friend's student Catholic mass, the priest said that so often we question how "good" we are as people and how much worth we possess when it comes to being viewed by others. After a breakup or a rejection, we literally tear ourselves to pieces wondering what we did wrong, or what is wrong with us that made us fail in whatever we put ourselves into. Given this, how can one have the faith to keep putting her heart into everything she feels is important? It is difficult to have to deal with a rejection and then try to turn around and make an effort for something else, because you know that even though you should be optimistic and give everything an equal chance, it is almost not worth the effort to put your trust and faith in something else that might end up hurting you in the end. I have this problem. I question my worth as a person and I wonder exactly what I mean to the people I surround myself with. To whom am I just a friend, just an acquaintance, a best friend, something more...the questions are endless. For a person with self-confidence issues...the events of the past few weeks have done nothing but to add to my guilt that maybe something is wrong with me, and for that, I am not desirable. I wonder if there is something I am not doing right, because otherwise I wouldn't be having so much trouble with guys. And so I questioned if I was even "good" after all. I know I've done some things that I am not proud of, but I try to live my life without many regrets. I just wonder if those things are now haunting me for choosing a life of someone "not good."
Tonight in the homily, the priest posed the question: "How much pain and misery is a person willing to go through before he realizes that a simple change of heart would fix the problem?" I felt again as if he was speaking directly to me, and knew the pain that my heart was feeling. God does know of the difficulties of the past few months, and I wonder if the way things have been unfolding in the past few weeks is His way of telling me my time here is complete. I am starting to wonder yet again if it is time for me to move on from Chapel Hill, because the chapter that I started with my coming here for college in 2002 is now coming to a close. My trying to extend my time here, at the insistence of others that I stay, isn't being met easily by the plans I try to make. God does know what is best for me, and perhaps that is waiting for me somewhere outside of this town. Perhaps separation from what is bothering me will help to ease the pain and help the healing. I know that staying in Chapel Hill won't keep me from having to deal with everything that has been bothering me; I risk being exposed to it time and time again, even if I just tried to ignore it. How much more pain am I willing to endure through all this before I have "a change of heart" and fix these problems?
My change of heart started when I began thinking that I needed to end my unhealthy friendship. But unfortunately, it is not as easy as walking away, as I would be led to think by some. Like I have said earlier, it is hard to walk away from the people you care about the most, for it is like ripping a giant hole in your heart that can't be completely filled again--there are always jagged edges and rough scars. When a friend irrevocably breaks the bonds of friendship and loses your trust, it becomes a little easier to separate yourself from that person. (I have the tendency of making excuses for people because I care about them, and defending that person to others because of my feelings.)
So many times I've defended Matt against everyone else because I care about him, and because I know the way that he and I have been in the past...I remember the Matt I knew from last year when we first met, the Matt that had the gentle side and who wasn't afraid to express how he really felt. I feel like now I get the closed-off version, because so much has changed in his life, and in mine. But I would like to think that if anything, our friendship would grow stronger through all of that. I think what I miss the most out of everything in our friendship from last year was the passion. His passion for our friendship was so evident in him fighting to keep me on the right side of things; it was so intense at times that I would cry from the fact that it scared me to see someone so full of life and caring as he was. I don't get that much, if any, anymore. I don't think I really get the desire for him to be a fighter any longer...I think it's more of a "do what you want because it doesn't matter to me" kind of attitude. There is no effort on his part, other than an attempt to convince me that I wouldn't be better off without him--but I get no real reason why I should stay. My importance in his life as a friend has been limited further and further as the year goes on. I am tired of making all the effort to spend time with him, and do things with him, and be upset over issues we have, all because I care so much. I want him to start making that effort. It would be wonderful if he could take initiative and actually demonstrate that he wanted me in his life for this reason or that reason while showing it too. It would be nice to know that perhaps I was as necessary to his well-being and happiness as a person as the girl he currently courts. For now, I feel like an accessory that is used occasionally and gathers dust otherwise. No one is guaranteed anything, and people are especially not guaranteed their friendships if they don't work for them.
Perhaps it is time that I begin moving forward, instead of looking back, and rolling deeper into my misery. Maybe I could find a different evolution of myself in the process, a self I could be happier with in knowing that I am stronger because of all of this.
written by Heather at 2:22 AM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Saturday, March 17
I realized in thinking the other day that the only way I'm going to be happy now and functional (without falling apart) is to give up on the hope, along with the idea that things will work out for me and Matt; that he could ever consider me as more than a friend and we could get together. I realize that my holding onto this idea really isn't healthy, because it won't come true (since things aren't even favorable for that to ever happen.) And things especially don't happen while you're wanting them to...or wishing for them to.
Why do I put forth so much effort for people who I stand little to no chance with? Why do I care so much about those who could care less about me in return? And why do I let those people get so close to me that it breaks my heart when I get hurt?
Things to expand upon when I get to that part in my book...
written by Heather at 2:26 AM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Friday, March 16
So I thought people might like to know that I'm starting a book. It's something for me to do in my free time, which is more than less of these days...at least until I find a more comprehensive job and/or get into grad school. Now before everyone starts panicking and gets the wrong idea, let me give you the details. I'm writing a book about the last year or so of my life, at lot happened in that past year that I feel it would be good for me to write it down--and it could possibly make a good story in the process. I think my writing it down and getting it out would help me heal from a lot of the things that happened, and help me find some closure somewhere in there. Yes, this means that people I know are going to end up in the story, but I am definitely changing names, and very possibly blurring the lines of characters so that no one feels like I'm casting a bad light upon him or her. It's basically just telling things like they are, without trying to hurt people.
written by Heather at 7:22 PM 0 things you wanted to say
Notes: life
Saturday, March 10
poetry. it's what heals the soul.
foolish dreams
i've got to give up on so many foolish dreams,
get back to reality,
which isn't always as it seems.
i've tried so hard to make you see
how sincere i am about how i feel
and where i want to be when i'm with you.
what i want is something more
but time isn't right for this, i suppose
nor is my luck and other things i don't know.
i've tried to make amends for what i've done
spent so much time tending to what you want
and ask for so little in return
that it's almost insane.
i wonder, where can i go from here?
what can we call what we have together
if nothing but a friendship without means to grow,
nowhere to go but in circles.
we live like parallel lines, never touching,
going in different directions to meet our ends.
we live with different purposes,
short-term and long-term goals conflicting,
along with feelings.
it's hard to forgive yourself for making a mistake
such as the one i have made with you.
take it back to erase the pain
and the point in which we crossed that line
between best friends and opposites?
given the chance
for a spotless mind,
a clearer conscience,
less baggage and wear and tear...
i think i would.
just so i could look at you
and not feel so guilty for the things
that have happened.
just so i could not feel so angry
to know what's going on
that i can't compete with;
the one thing that i wish i could have
but i will never obtain.
that temptation is dangling in my face,
mocking me every day i wake up
and pretend like things are okay--
like i don't care about who you are
or what you do,
like i don't think about you every ten moments
and what you do
when you tell me goodbye in a hurry
and i feel like i'm getting rushed
and shifted down the list.
here i am, wide open,
my heart pouring out and evaporating;
(ben folds said it best)--
always open, hoping that my willingness
to give it all up to you
would find me in your good graces someday;
someday i would wake up in the beam of your smile
and know that i could tell you how i feel about you
without an exasperated sigh on your part.
i can only dream of that now.
i can only cry myself to sleep thinking of the lucky one
who has that privilege.
i can only die a little more inside
with every day i see you, and her,
and watch the way you are that you will never be with me.
and i can smile and pretend that my friendship with you
is so special,
and that it sustains me well enough.
i can pretend like i'm okay with three-quarters of you.
i can now only give three-quarters of myself to you.
the other part evaporated when you broke my heart.
you only get what you give.
you only lose what you give up.
i give up on the foolish dreams.
written by Heather at 12:45 AM 0 things you wanted to say