the more i think about it, the more i realize i want it. i want all of it. i want the fire and the passion that i've missed for so long. i want the comfort and the friendship that always underlies the love and affection. the more i think about it--and you--the more i realize i'm hungry for it. but i want to wait...i want to wait so bad and not push the issue. i miss the comfort gained from something as simple as cuddling, man. but i want to gain the friendship before anything else. without the friendship--even if as all it is--it's empty. i made that mistake once, not believing in the friendship i thought i had with a guy...and then later realized it was all a fluke. should have taken more time then to work on that, but i know now what i didn't then. i've grown from that.

i wonder sometimes why the past keeps coming back to haunt me. just today i get a message from daniel asking me why i blocked jeremy from my buddy list--only because jeremy wanted to know. first of all i wonder why he even cares, it's not like he ever wanted to be in my life before now, so why does he bother complaining about it now? he couldn't be bothered to talk to me on the im or the phone earlier...don't complain about your being a jerk! you didn't want me in your life before now, i don't need you in mine anymore. and secondly, i'm doing well enough on my own. i don't have time to be wasting time on people who couldn't be bothered to make an effort to spend time with me. and i know you know what i'm talking about, too. you could have done something a long time ago, but it's over now and i learned my lesson well. i don't take well to being lied to and pushed around JUST for your own pleasures and gains, you should have paid a bit more attention to your friends. i have new things in my life: new interests, a new job, and new friends who actually respect me for me. i wish you had learned that.

i'm glad that jennifer knows where i'm coming from on this, she's actually kinda in the middle of the same situation--but friends back each other up. that's why i heart jennifer.

well now in the evening, i am 90 bucks poorer but the new owner of a cool new lamp, flat iron, paint pens, and a new pair of shoes. oh and some groceries to tide me over thru training. so glad that next week is payday week...i still haven't gotten to lowe's for my wood and paint to make my coffee table, but that will come next saturday. only ~11 days until i can have my car all to myself! i can't wait. i did much better with the driving today; i even had my first experience driving in the rain and using my wipers. not bad.

how weird is it to know that justin is now up at school? i keep thinking that when i call home, justin will be around the house playing the guitar or some video games. and now i have to call his cell or his room in raleigh to get ahold of him--and lord knows if he'll even be around in there half the time! my parents finally have the house to themselves for the first time in 21 years...i wonder how my parents will deal with having both kids gone...my mom will probably like the decrease in the food bills and making less at dinner! i'll have to call mom in a few days to see how she's doing with this new "freedom."

i hope that i can pick up tix for the rascal flatts concert in september, right now they're harder to find than a freakin' diamond in a coal mine. might just have to settle with coldplay and jlc... :-(

a little early morning thinking...

oh i wish you knew how i really felt
and i wish you saw the way i like you
i wish you knew how much i need you
but you might never ever get to know
i can't tell you why
i can't explain the feelings
i get when you're around
my words are all tied up in infatuation
i get so scared thinking you will never
understand these emotions
and you'll think i'm just crazy,
or never talk to me again.
you make me feel alive
every time you touch me
you make me feel like i'm myself again
and all you do is smile and i'm
falling over myself again
i've missed so much for so long
i can't tell you how happy it makes me
that you're honestly true.

i realize that i haven't updated this in a while...

i should change that

well, now comes the waiting for the rest of the ras to get here...there are only 5 of us here right now, 8 more to come...sometime between now and 6pm sunday evening! i love the office work now, i come in when i want, work a couple of hours, and get paid for it! i can't wait to hang out with the staff when they all get here finally. and then monday starts training...fun fun fun! *yawn*

tomorrow justin moves into state. my lil brother is just hours away from being 30 min down the road at college. mom and justin will take care of the moving, afterwards we'll eat lunch together and go shopping before we get to drop justin off at state to start his new phase of life. i hope mom won't turn into a waterworks. i cried so much when mom left me at carolina 3 years ago, i didn't know what to do with myself!

i've been walking around with this big smile on my face, and most ppl can't figure out why. sometimes i lose track of why i'm so happy, it's so great like that.