relief...

so had a lengthy conversation with brian today. it went well, yes there were tears on my part, but when i care about someone as much as i care about him, i don't really see how there couldn't be tears. i feel much better now about our relationship, having gone over everything i felt insecure (and even partly jealous) about. he told me about his friendship with cat, his feelings for me, & how he really wanted to be with me (although he keeps saying i deserve better). we also discussed how i felt like he was holding back in our relationship, maybe because he was afraid i was going to let him down. i will never let him down. nor will i ever back out on him or let him fall. just as he would do the same for me. he would take care of me no matter what, i realize that now. he wants to take care of me and make sure i'm safe and happy, no matter at what cost. as i want to do the same for him. i realized so many things about us and him and me that puts me at ease. and then going to bible study helped me see a lot, too. there are so many things in our relationship that have yet to come up, especially things with brian's future in the ministry & going through the ordination process. but these are things that we'll discuss when they come. he says he'll never hide anything from me, nor does he want me to hide things from him. and i don't ever want to feel jealous of anything, including his friendship with cat (i don't want him to stop being friends with her, i only wish i could have had a friendship of some kind with jeremy). i'm looking forward to going to his house for thanksgiving and spending time with him and his family. i can't wait to see what it's like.

thinking...

Imagine my hurt and surprise when I found out the other night that my boyfriend still had feelings for his ex. Not only that, but feelings possibly strong enough to the point where he might want to be with her again. I don't know what to say or what I should think but I'll tell you how I've been feeling since then. Like I want to have a nervous breakdown. I sat in Milton class yesterday on the brink of tears while we're discussing "Paradise Lost" because I didn't know what I should do. I cried on the way back from the Cingular store on the bus to south campus because I felt so lost. I've gone around it and over it in my mind dozens of times, but still haven't figured out it all exactly.

It hurts because of how much I care about him. It hurts because I keep thinking that he will might never care about me as much as I care about him because he's still in love with her. He asked me if I still had feelings for my ex, but I can honestly say I don't. Every feeling I have is for him, my boyfriend, he's the one I'm with right now and want to be with for a long time. It's just that now I'm not sure how long "a long time" will be. True, neither one of know what is in our futures or what it is we really want yet to happen in life, but I would like at least a little bit of security. And somehow I don't feel all that secure.

I keep thinking that I can't keep him from what he really wants/needs. I can't pretend that everything is the way it should be if I'm really not what is to be; like I'm a stop on a journey before reaching the final destination. The truth of the matter is, he very well might end up with her and there is nothing I can do about that. But the other thing is that I want to be with him while he figures things out. While we both figure things out; and whether we belong in each other's lives. It wouldn't be right of me to care about him and us if I didn't want to stay here and love him, care about him, be there for him. And in the process of figuring things out, he could very well realize the one he truly wants to be with is her, his ex. I don't know what I would do at that point if that were the case. It all depends on how emotionally involved/evolved I am by then. I hope that moment never comes, but then again, I am the eternal optimist. My motto is to try to live life one day at a time, never really stressing too much about the future. Trying to live by that... Right now I'm just a little uneasy/uncertain because of what he's told me. I suppose it's okay to feel uncertain, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel lost. What do I do?

welcome to the dark side

now new and improved brunette heather

week in review

"till now i always got by on my own
i never really cared until i met you
and now it chills me to the bone
how do i get you alone
how do i get you alone..."

on saturday (oct. 15th), ehringhaus field day rocked the new ehaus fields! kudos to jen, lindsay, and michael for planning an awesome event. that night, jen, hayley, and i went with stephanie and blair (kids from pcm) to the state fair to see dierks bentley in concert. i'd never listened to dierks until i went to the concert, we listened to a sampling of his music in the car on the way to the concert so i felt like i was somewhat prepared. the concert was LOUD...my purse was vibrating across the floor and my cell phone wasn't even ringing. but my ears were sure ringing when we left, it took like a day for them to return to normal. and i tried a deep-fried snickers while at the fair...that's an experience you only need once. wow.
the school week was a pretty busy one, i had a take home for my playwriting class that wasn't all that difficult, it was just a lot of stuff had to be done before i could even think about fall break. wednesday i drove megan to the airport, which was a trip in itself, because on the way back ended up driving around durham because i couldn't get on the exit i wanted for chapel hill. but i found my way back to chapel hill with little problem, now i can say i've seen more of durham than i knew existed! that night jen kling, topal, brian and i watched batman begins, which is a great movie. i fell asleep during the latter half, though...
thursday i went to the fair with brian. :-) we rode the bumper boats, and this kid soaked me completely. damn you children. it took the 4 hours we were there to dry out, but it was fun nonetheless. ate a lot of good fair food: hot dogs, shish kabobs, buttermilk biscuits, and homemade ice cream. turns out the company that made our ice cream is based in sanford, but sadly they don't have a store. :-( i had more fun at the fair with brian than i could have possibly imagined. he's such a sweetheart, i <3>
friday i did some work, mostly ra stuff and had a mid-semester eval meeting with allison. it went well, i don't think i'm going to get fired. :-p at least not yet. brian and i went to the pcm kitchen to cook dinner, he made the most awesome chicken dijon (yummy x1000) while i made chicken sczhaun stirfry. both meals turned out good, and it was great to have jen & hayley come join us.
yesterday was the carolina vs. virginia football game in kenan. that would have to be the weirdest football game that i have ever witnessed as a carolina student. we scored one touchdown in the first quarter and didn't score again, while the cavs got a safety on a missed punt return attempt and then a field goal. so we won 7-5, which is also probably the lowest-scoring game i have ever seen us win. (the lowest ever was the 7-3 game played with wake forest waay back when) and then there was the issue with the clock expiring and the kickoff returned which had to be replayed as fourth down? all i know is we won.

"not a pretty thing, but a win nonetheless." ~marching tarheels band director

then the rest of the day was filled with lounging and watching movies...always fun to be lazy. :-) around 9pm we went to bdub's for some wings, i accidently ate one of brian's blazin' wings and i think i wanted to die. there might have been smoke coming out of my ears, but i know for sure my eyes were watering. wow. i think i'll stick to my caribbean jerk wings. luckily we had chocolate cake and ice cream to try and help cool things off!

and so today is sunday...time to buckle down and do some work. around 3ish i'm picking up megan from the airport, i need to run some errands and fill my tank with gas. and then i have to work in the office tonight from 8-12, which should be non-productive as i never seem to get any real work done there anyway. just as long as i turn in my program proposals...

what does the next week hold?

time to debut a picture of the wonderful boyfriend & myself :-D

it's all love to me

"love wandered inside
stronger than you
stronger than i
and now that is has begun
we cannot turn back
we can only turn into one..."

love is such an awesome feeling. i'm enjoying experiencing it for the first time in a long time. i have to thank God for the blessings in my life, and for the wonderful people who have touched my life in a variety of ways.

and i have to thank YOU for being so awesome. everything about you is cute, and everything you say & do makes me happy.

20 years ago I... (1985)
1. was almost 2 years old
2. lived in California
3. got a dog named Cinnamon

10 years ago I... (1995)
1. had lived in North Carolina for a year
2. had 21 hamsters and tons of fish
3. saw my dad go to Saudi Arabia & Kuwait for several months

5 years ago I... (2000)
1. had my first heartbreak
2. got my learner's permit
3. fought with my brother all the time

3 years ago I... (2002)
1. graduated from high school
2. came to UNC
3. changed my focus to teaching

1 year ago I... (2004)
1. applied to be an ra
2. spent the summer in chapel hill
3. made some major life changes

So far this year I... (2005)
1. have gotten my car & driver's license
2. have learned from some of my mistakes
3. have learned that not all guys are jerks ;)

Yesterday I...
1. went to class
2. tried chicken alfredo pizza from papa john's
3. actually did homework for a change

Today I...
1. woke up late & leisurely with great company *heart*
2. had an ra meeting
3. had a great dinner with hayley and jennifer

Tomorrow I will...
1. go to work
2. go to class
3. go to pcm & have lots of fun!

In the next year I will...
1. graduate
2. start on my mat program either here or at appalachian
3. continue to live my life one day at a time

ain't it grand?

oh love. i enjoy this feeling. i haven't felt it in forever, but when i can't go a day without thinking about YOU every five minutes then i know i'm caught. and to know that you think about me too makes me more than happy. this weekend was absolutely wonderful, thank you so much. you really have the most wonderful heart and i can see how much you care. (you make my heart go pitty-pat!) besos para usted porque usted tienes mi corázon completamente. yo no puedo esperar hasta que tengamos más tiempo juntos.

i read over what i wrote in the past and sometimes i want to laugh at myself. life changes so quickly, you never know where each turn will take you. if there's one thing i learned from watching "just like heaven" with jenn on saturday is that i want to make sure i live my life one day at a time, taking advantage of every opportunity i have to spend time with family, friends, and do the things i really want to do. too many times i do stuff just because i have to, and i skip out on just doing simple things that could bring a lot of happiness to my life because i'm too busy.

i am insanely happy right now, because God has shown me something new in my life. i will admit i wasn't sure if i would be able to feel this way again, but true to His word, He has watched over me and will continue to do so. i think it's amazing what you can find when you're not looking. (especially since i had told jenn that day i'd decided i wasn't actively looking anymore.) i take one day at a time, seeing how it goes and then think about what i'd like to do tomorrow...

God works in mysterious ways.

ha, i know rob tells me to eliminate the man-hatred, but i don't know...i think it's more of a man-confusion than a man-hatred...

i think it's interesting that with school starting and all that's happened since then, my life had gone from being horribly mundane to a wee bit too confusing and fast-paced. and perhaps that's a hyperbole, but what less would you expect from an english major? i'm in the process of writing an op ed column for the dth's empty editorial spot, reflecting on recent events and recounting conversations i've had with jen and rob about the merits/demerits of guys, dating, relationships, and so on. it's weird in a way to write about this, it's like looking back into my past and finally realizing how all the pieces fit together. i feel like maybe i can start explaining things and answering some of those questions i had when jeremy broke up with me. and it's also helped a lot with figuring out what i want to do with some other guys in my life.

it's time i put my foot down about things i don't like with guys and start making them see what it is i respect as part of my life with them. i can't compromise like i have been any more, it's time for some standards.

another thing i have realized is what great friends i have in my life who will listen to me rant about everything under the sun and then give me sound advice about it. that takes a lot of patience (patience one virtue i am trying to gather more of at the moment) and it's awesome how sage the advice i get is. like when i had a very insightful discussion with greg the other night on the aim and he just opened my eyes to a lot of things i would have never thought about if it weren't for him. (i see he's also a lot more observant than i could imagine a person to be, but that's another story entirely!) and talking with rob and jen always leaves me with something to go on, something that always helps me to understand everything a lot better. of course, rob still complains about how i have great man-hatred i need to get rid of, but i don't quite agree with him on that. :-p

and so i will use this advice and see where that goes...and where things go with these guys, too.

the more i think about it, the more i realize i want it. i want all of it. i want the fire and the passion that i've missed for so long. i want the comfort and the friendship that always underlies the love and affection. the more i think about it--and you--the more i realize i'm hungry for it. but i want to wait...i want to wait so bad and not push the issue. i miss the comfort gained from something as simple as cuddling, man. but i want to gain the friendship before anything else. without the friendship--even if as all it is--it's empty. i made that mistake once, not believing in the friendship i thought i had with a guy...and then later realized it was all a fluke. should have taken more time then to work on that, but i know now what i didn't then. i've grown from that.

i wonder sometimes why the past keeps coming back to haunt me. just today i get a message from daniel asking me why i blocked jeremy from my buddy list--only because jeremy wanted to know. first of all i wonder why he even cares, it's not like he ever wanted to be in my life before now, so why does he bother complaining about it now? he couldn't be bothered to talk to me on the im or the phone earlier...don't complain about your being a jerk! you didn't want me in your life before now, i don't need you in mine anymore. and secondly, i'm doing well enough on my own. i don't have time to be wasting time on people who couldn't be bothered to make an effort to spend time with me. and i know you know what i'm talking about, too. you could have done something a long time ago, but it's over now and i learned my lesson well. i don't take well to being lied to and pushed around JUST for your own pleasures and gains, you should have paid a bit more attention to your friends. i have new things in my life: new interests, a new job, and new friends who actually respect me for me. i wish you had learned that.

i'm glad that jennifer knows where i'm coming from on this, she's actually kinda in the middle of the same situation--but friends back each other up. that's why i heart jennifer.

well now in the evening, i am 90 bucks poorer but the new owner of a cool new lamp, flat iron, paint pens, and a new pair of shoes. oh and some groceries to tide me over thru training. so glad that next week is payday week...i still haven't gotten to lowe's for my wood and paint to make my coffee table, but that will come next saturday. only ~11 days until i can have my car all to myself! i can't wait. i did much better with the driving today; i even had my first experience driving in the rain and using my wipers. not bad.

how weird is it to know that justin is now up at school? i keep thinking that when i call home, justin will be around the house playing the guitar or some video games. and now i have to call his cell or his room in raleigh to get ahold of him--and lord knows if he'll even be around in there half the time! my parents finally have the house to themselves for the first time in 21 years...i wonder how my parents will deal with having both kids gone...my mom will probably like the decrease in the food bills and making less at dinner! i'll have to call mom in a few days to see how she's doing with this new "freedom."

i hope that i can pick up tix for the rascal flatts concert in september, right now they're harder to find than a freakin' diamond in a coal mine. might just have to settle with coldplay and jlc... :-(

a little early morning thinking...

oh i wish you knew how i really felt
and i wish you saw the way i like you
i wish you knew how much i need you
but you might never ever get to know
i can't tell you why
i can't explain the feelings
i get when you're around
my words are all tied up in infatuation
i get so scared thinking you will never
understand these emotions
and you'll think i'm just crazy,
or never talk to me again.
you make me feel alive
every time you touch me
you make me feel like i'm myself again
and all you do is smile and i'm
falling over myself again
i've missed so much for so long
i can't tell you how happy it makes me
that you're honestly true.

i realize that i haven't updated this in a while...

i should change that

well, now comes the waiting for the rest of the ras to get here...there are only 5 of us here right now, 8 more to come...sometime between now and 6pm sunday evening! i love the office work now, i come in when i want, work a couple of hours, and get paid for it! i can't wait to hang out with the staff when they all get here finally. and then monday starts training...fun fun fun! *yawn*

tomorrow justin moves into state. my lil brother is just hours away from being 30 min down the road at college. mom and justin will take care of the moving, afterwards we'll eat lunch together and go shopping before we get to drop justin off at state to start his new phase of life. i hope mom won't turn into a waterworks. i cried so much when mom left me at carolina 3 years ago, i didn't know what to do with myself!

i've been walking around with this big smile on my face, and most ppl can't figure out why. sometimes i lose track of why i'm so happy, it's so great like that.

thrice is nice

i swear i am a online journal junkie. this is the 3rd one i've got but it seems like nobody can agree on which one they want to use around this campus! i'm not sure how i will fill this one up, i already have enough trouble keeping up with the others cause i'm so lazy. but i hope that will change--a summer resolution of mine!

if you're interested, you can check out the original journal at www.xanga.com/tarheelpoet
leave me a comment or two! peace out for now chicos.