Is it ever possible to reconcile how you feel with what someone else feels? Can you and another person, while both caring about each other, but in completely different ways, ever be able to get along and not upset each other because the feelings are different? This is my current wonderment, after having a very lengthy and tearful conversation with a special someone close to my heart. I have to make the decision whether to walk away from the friendship or not...based on the knowledge that staying with this friend would cause a great deal of pain (even if we were to cut down on the amount of time we spent together). Advice garnered from someone who was in the same situation for 6 years tells me that it would be better and healthier in the long run to cut off all ties of this relationship now, rather than prolong my exposure and risk further emotional (and possible physical) damage. Quite frankly, I am not sure what else can be done. I've said my piece, and he's said his, and I think we've come to a stalemate on what we think is the best option at this point. If I want something that he isn't ready to give me, and I can't take any more time hurting myself over this, then I have to walk away. Otherwise I risk letting my feelings reoccur, and my jealousy over the status quo eat away at me. It's so hard to offer all of yourself, and know that you will never be able to have that person do the same for you. It's also difficult to wait and wonder if the one you care about will ever realize how much you want to be in his life, and feel the same way about you.

People can be so oblivious sometimes, even when things are staring them in the face and are as plain as day. Not only do they not realize when things aren't okay, they can't see when what they're doing is hurting someone else. Doesn't matter if it's directly or indirectly, it hurts to watch and know that someone else is hurting as a result of what's going on. It sucks to know that's happening and not be able to do anything about it--like offer interference, for example. It just really makes me want to shake the other person, or smack him/her upside the head for being so dense.

Being in Chapel Hill right now is superfluous. Maybe I should just go home until something happens with a real job and graduate school. I feel like I'm just dragging my heels while waiting on life to get moving. Don't I wish I had some sort of stability or certainty to how I was going to be spending the next six months of my life... That would be helpful. Perhaps I should just move home and not tell anyone?

Statement of Purpose

So I have to write a statement of purpose for my graduate school applications outlining what I want to do with my degree and blah blah blah. Thus I wrote up this rough draft...very rough...I will probably cut a lot out, but I just wanted to get out all my thoughts on this at once. If you feel like reading it and commenting, then hurrah and thanks. :0)


I didn't always want to be an English teacher. Until my senior year of high school, I was set on going into biotechnology and maybe on day working as a forensic pathologist. I wanted to become a crime scene investigator, sort of like the ones on television. I began to realize that I didn't enjoy science and math as much as I thought I did. This was further confirmed by my experiences in Advanced Placement Calculus and Physics.
At the same time, my interest in English literature was rising. I have always enjoyed reading and writing; it is something that I've found comfort in. My mother claims I wrote my first story when I was in preschool. Granted, it was made up of random Chinese characters cut from a magazine and glued to construction paper. No one had any idea what it meant, but they all said that I had creativity at least. In middle school, I tried writing my own book--something that I look back on now with a little bemusement because of the sheer difference in my writing style. I also won several awards from the Accelerated Reader program for having read the most books of anyone in my grade.
Going through my last year of high school, I had the opportunity to work on the literary magazine and newspaper staffs. Here, I explored both sides of my writer's persona: the creative and the analytical. This was the same time that I was in Dr. Charlotte Jones' Advanced Placement English class. My life goals would forever change with her instruction.
Dr. Jones taught British Literature, a subject area that I've heard is considered one of the most boring by students everywhere. But Dr. Jones didn't let that daunt her. I even had an aversion to Shakespeare prior to being in her class. She showed me that Macbeth was a great horror story and that Hamlet was about a confused megalomaniac. Not only that, she expanded my horizon of thinking and really prepared me for entering college discourse at Carolina.
Dr. Jones was more than a teacher in the classroom--she was an educator for your life. Throughout her lectures on the reading for the day, she would pepper it with words of wisdom and advice, aimed to help us in our futures after her class. Armed with what she taught me, I set out on my undergraduate career to receive my Bachelor's in English. I wanted, quite frankly, to be just like Dr. Jones. I still do. This is why I am pursuing my Master of Arts in Teaching now. For me, this is the next step in being able to educate my own students. It is my intention to receive the MAT in English Education, and eventually also receive a Doctoral degree so that I may be able to instruct at the university level. Several wonderful professors at Carolina have pushed me to go further than just teaching high school and enter the university realm.
Through my years at Carolina, I have been blessed to work with students, both current and prospective, in various capacities. As an Orientation Leader and a Resident Advisor, I worked with youths in my target age group of high school students, educating them about campus and its many opportunities available to them. Currently I tutor students at Chapel Hill High School. This position, albeit only for a short time each day, is enough to remind me of why I am going into education.
The satisfaction I get from helping someone is the driving force to keep working in this field. My friends describe me as a true "people person," which is evident in how I interact with those around me. If I can help one person a day with something he or she doesn't understand and have them then grasp the concept, then I feel like I am making at least a little difference. Similarly, to be in front of a group of individuals and have them engaged in what you are talking about is another energy booster. I realize that not everyone is as passionate for reading as I am, but I would like to at least show students that reading literature and writing criticisms is not as much of a chore as they might think. With the right attitude, one can make the most mundane of things enjoyable.
This is how Dr. Jones had us all enjoying British literature: she had the right attitude. On several occasions she would dress the part from what we were reading and have us act out what was going on. You never knew what the next day of class would bring, but it was good to be kept on our toes and interested in what was going on.
After receiving my Master of Arts in Teaching, I intend to go into a high school in North Carolina that has a need for my position. While there, I would teach English Literature and Composition to grades 9-12. If given the opportunity, I would also like to teach Creative Writing. Either while teaching or after a period of time, I would like to return and obtain a Doctor's of Education, preferably in English Education if offered. With these degrees in hand, I would hope to obtain a position at a university in the state of North Carolina and progress from there.
I strongly believe that having the opportunity to attend Carolina's School of Education would be instrumental in achieving these goals. Having been an undergrad at Carolina, I already have a strong understanding of the campus, its people, and the academic environment. As a graduate student in the MAT program, I would be an asset to other students, as well as a valuable classroom member to the professors. It is my hope that you will consider me for your program and help me in educating others in the future.

Emotion/Reaction

Breathless. Speechless.
Your friendship left me
on the edge
and now I'm falling
into the darkness of your absence.

Happy. Excited.
You gave me so much
I could cry;
lifted my heart so many times.

Tearful. Upset.
So many times you don't know about
I spent crying because
I was so confused;
sometimes I felt used.

Angry. Uncertain.
I rarely know what's going on,
feels like everything's
gone to hell,
and I've gone with it.

Empty. Hollow-out.
Sad that there seems to be
nothing left
of something so great and healthy.

I miss the power and beauty
of your friendship.

If I

Maybe if I
could forget you
I could forget my pain ever happened.
If I can pretend like
I don't need you anymore
it won't hurt so bad
to watch you move on.
If I can lie to myself
thinking that it will all be okay
maybe I can stop hurting
and start healing.
If I could convince myself
I'm better without you
and without us
I'll realize we weren't meant to be together.
If you could let me go
as I wish I could with you
we could find a place
where we don't hurt each other
as much as we do.
If I could do these things
I would
just for some peace of mind,
peace of soul, to still my aching heart
maybe I could be freed.

I hate how we assume that what we care about will always be there for us when we wake up every morning and go to sleep every night.

With that assumption we think we can ignore the little things and sail through our lives easily, without much regard to maintaining our relationships with the ones we care about...until those relationships are threatened or cease to exist.

NEVER stop striving for your friendships and the ones you love, because you never know when tomorrow might not come.

Took a trip up to Charlottesville yesterday with my Megan, what a pretty drive through the hills of Virginia! She had an interview up at UVA, and I got to drive around and see the campus (from afar, boo on visitor parking). The campus is gorgeous, wow, everything is brick and all the buildings match. (For anyone who's ever been to UNC knows what I'm talking about.) I don't think I would go there for my Master's, considering I am planning now for staying in the area for at least another year...but perhaps I could go there for my Doctoral degree? What do you guys think?

My phone interview (I guess you could call it a second-round interview) with Traci from AmeriCorps went well. She said she would talk to Jamie at the Raleigh NCCAP program and get back to me by the middle of next week. I hope that means with good news!

Currently working on the AmeriCorps application and my two grad school applications...so nervous about that job, getting into graduate school, and other things going on in life right now. Whoa.

It's stressful to know that in a single moment, your life could change along with everything and everyone in it, depending on what you do.

Currently listening to some new awesome music, the Corinne Bailey Rae CD is very chill (she's a British singer, very soulful). Along with that, the new Norah Jones CD, Snow Patrol's Eyes Open, and Daughtry (if you watched American Idol last season you know who this is). And enjoying a lazy weekend for a change...

This is a really insightful piece that comes from my friend Danielle's blog. I felt like I should share it here because of what it says and the importance of the message behind it. Hope you enjoy...and perhaps, take something away from it.

It seems a lot of people in my life have been having friend issues lately. It makes me sad because your friends are supposed to be the best people in your life. A person loves their family, because, after all, they are family. You don't get to choose them, but you love them anyway because you are connected. Friends are by choice. If a person isn't deserving, then they don't qualify as a friend. When something goes wrong, your friends are the ones that are there for you because they want to be. A friend doesn't judge and can always be honest, because that's just what they're there for. It is a special bond and it should be taken seriously or else it falls by the wayside and you will miss it one day when you realize you were too stupid to care for it while you had it. A good friend visits you when you are sick and calls just to see how you are doing...not because they want something. A friend doesn't just come around because there is a party or something; a friend comes around just because they enjoy the company and it makes life a little more bearable. If you are reading this, stop and think to yourself...have I been a good friend lately? Also stop and consider whether or not your "friends" have been good to you. Do the two measure up? If not, no matter who is the lacking party, the friendship probably is in serious need of mending. A friend once lost, doesn't come back. A friend that is respected will stay around around until life dictates otherwise.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."

Sadly, that song really fits my pain right now. I feel like I've lost a friend. I know I've at least am trying to put one out of my head at the moment. Someone who was very important to me, but now is too painful to have in my life.

The other I'm not sure how much more I can endure pain from. It's almost a given, that every time I hang out with this person, something happens that gives me even more reason why I shouldn't stay. Of course, I haven't said that yes, this is the reason why I wanted to leave Chapel Hill. I'm not saying that. But it is hard to imagine myself next year in the presence of this person, I don't know how that would be. I don't know if it would be a repeat of this year, with the way things happened. I don't know if I would have to deal with some of the same crap and be angered by it again. I can't say if there is more pain yet to come...I'm not sure if I can endure any more of that though. It's definitely difficult right now for me to deal with all this, to go from day to day never knowing which is the last day that you will have in this person's company...simply because you never know when that moment will come that your friendship ends. There comes a moment sometimes in friendships where it just STOPS. It either comes to a screeching halt, or it just simply fades into nonexistence without realizing it. And then one day, if you haven't been paying much attention to what's going on, you could wake up and realize that you haven't talked to that person in weeks, nor spent time with him or her. But by that time, it might be too late to fix things.

That's why you should never forget the people you surround yourself with, nor falter or lessen in the love that you give them...because you may never know when they will begin to doubt you and fade away. I'm trying really hard not to think of the things that are upsetting me at the moment, but that is kind of hard to avoid when you have many reminders of painful things right on top of you. Trying to escape your demons whilst being in your own personal hell is impossible. I go along fine for a bit, and then something will come along that smacks me upside the head like a ton of bricks. And then I realize that the pain and anger is still there, even when I thought I'd stuck it away. I know people say to not let it build up and consume you, but I really think that more people would be hurt if I expressed exactly what was bothering me. Yeah, I know that I'm crazy for putting everyone else's feelings and well-being before mine, but I've always been like that. Why should I change? Point is, I know too much about life at the moment to be sharing its details openly. So it's a catch-22: people want me to not keep my pain inside, yet that pain would definitely cause more than just a few tsunamis.

So excited that Roy's Boys beat Dook last night! 79-73 was the final score, and then lots of mayhem ensuing on Franklin St, per the usual. There were bonfires everywhere, including in trash cans. Some adventurous person even decided to light up a trash can outside of Old East on our way back through campus, craziness. Rushing Franklin with all my friends after a big win like that will never get old, no matter how old I get. :) Next year should be even better, with possibly living close off Franklin St, we can get there quicker for the celebrations! (And when my roomies finally get to be 21 then the extra extra fun can start.) Looking forward to living with my Brianna and Danielle for the 2007-2008 school year! I think we pretty much figured out where we're going to live, but we're going to check out a few more places before signing the lease anywhere.

AmeriCorp interview tomorrow morning, very nervous about how it will go. I've got to rustle up some writing samples for that and for my application for NPR to send in next week. Wish me luck!

exciting news: i heard back from AmeriCorps Vista in Raleigh. they want me to come in to interview later this week/early next week for their after school programs coordinator position. if i got the job, i would be working with big politicos in the state, along with communities in the area setting up after school programs, writing proposals and news briefs for said programs, and drumming up interest in educational pursuits, all in the name of service for the state of North Carolina. plus, it comes with some pretty nice benefits: paid sick days/vacation, $800 a month for living expenses, health benefits, travel reimbursement, and the choice of a $1200 cash stipend or $4300 education award at the end of my employment term. this position is awesome because it incorporates much of what i want to do with my life: writing and education. here's to hoping it all goes well at the interview!

"Some people aren't some people when other people show up!"

I think that accurate goes with my life, sadly. Along with, "some people say they care and then drop the ball on you." Got both from a friend's blog because they felt horribly appropriate.

Yeah, so I made some big decisions regarding my life and the direction in which it's going to take in the new few months. That all came after thinking a lot over the past couple weeks, and especially last night. I know some people won't be happy with what I've decided, but they made their decisions a long time ago, and now, I'm making mine. I'm trying to do what's best for me, and what is the healthiest thing to do at this time.

I thought I would love being here forever, but now this place is bringing up too many things I'd rather not think about on a regular basis. I'm not inclined to be around for another year watching the cycle repeat itself from this year...I need something new in my life, something I can immerse myself in and fully enjoy. Something that doesn't involve Chapel Hill and UNC.

I believe people will be okay with that eventually.

i'm leaving chapel hill as soon as i can. it's not for me anymore.

i'm going to become a social hermit. that's about the only way i figure i can get through things without having to deal with people and all the pain it brings...

i thought i wanted to stay in chapel hill as long as i could, but now all i think i want to do is to get the hell out of here. i would really like to get out of the country, go to england, and start over. i could be happy in a different country that i love, and not have to worry about all the stuff that's been bothering me. yeah, i realize there would be a whole new set of worries involved with living in england, but at least i wouldn't have to be bombarded by everything that upsets me here in chapel hill and nc.

so many things have been weighing me down. too many things that i've kept inside, things that quite possibly could never be shared because i don't think they could be known.

it sucks because i am perpetually heartbroken. it's like a wound that's trying to heal but everytime it gets a scab, you aggravate it and it's renewed in its pain. (or someone else aggravates it.) that cycle continues, with this wound still present, and nothing you do can help it, even if you try leaving it alone, you just get impatient with it sometimes. those kind of wounds end up leaving permanent scars, impossible to erase.

Swallowed in the Sea

now that i've gotten to this 23rd year of my life, i started realizing more things about myself that could be bettered, changed, and improved upon--so that i can become a better person, and a better friend and daughter. last year was quite a year for me, with a lot of changes, but i feel like this year can be even greater in terms of accomplishments. watching other people i know getting ready to settle down and start their lives makes me more anxious to explore everything i haven't done yet before i get to that point in my life.

i think now, having been through 4.5 years of college, i know what i want for myself, what i want from my friends and a guy that i would consider dating, as well as what i should avoid in all those situations. having been in two important relationships in the last 4.5 years, i endured the ups and downs, the euphoria of being in love, and the devestating heartbreak of breaking up. it sounds cliche, i know. but i took a lot from those experiences, especially since they were two completely different experiences.

i find myself a lot more wary and cautious than i used to be. i thought i just wanted (for awhile) to not deal with relationships, and to just enjoy the person, per se, rather than the drama. of course, that causes more drama than relationships, as i've learned. i can see from some of what my friends are doing that that's not what i need to be doing anymore! i can't just let myself be out there just "hooking up" (however this term is defined these days, it means whatever you want to think). i want a relationship, if i even feel comfortable enough to get back into that atmosphere again.

i made some mistakes, did some things that i'm not proud of, but i know the consequences and are learning from them. just working really hard on not making those mistakes again. one of my resolutions for this year was to try to cut out the negativity in my life; whether it be negative thoughts on my behalf, people who don't intend any good will towards me or my friends, and things that won't help me any bit. there's been so much bad energy in the past that i got frustrated and couldn't really do much about it...but i want to change that--i want to eliminate the things/people that were causing me so much pain from my life. such things are not worth crying over or being upset about, because life is too short to do that. i realize now that i have to start living every day like it were my last, because you never know what will happen next. i realize that nothing is guaranteed, you have to work for it and be thankful for what you have. you should never do anything that you don't believe in.

but i've found it's really hard to believe in people who don't believe in you. it's also hard to trust yourself with others when they won't trust you...and i hate the feeling i get when people are talking to me and they're telling me things that they think i want to hear, rather than what really has to be said. (this is especially frustrating when the people are younger than i am! i'm 23, i think i can handle whatever you want to throw at me, because guaranteed i've probably dealt with it before.) i want so much to give fully of myself in a relationship, whether it be with a friend or otherwise, but i can't do that if i feel like i'm being shut out from connecting with that person. to want to be someone's friend and care deeply for that person necessitates that kind of connection. i know i have to keep some of myself to myself, but i do want people to feel comfortable with me. as i with them. i just don't get that a lot from people i thought i would. i don't know if it's me, or if it's them...or if it's speaking volumes about the sincerity and depth of our friendship...

i just know that i can't keep expecting these things from people. the end result is becoming predictable, a pattern of sorts. i wonder if i should scale back my expectations, be a little less of myself in my friendships...just to protect myself more. or would it just be better to remove myself from those situations permanently?


**post title from Coldplay's "Swallowed in the Sea" from album "X & Y"**