Goodbye 2006

Well, today is the last day of 2006. In less than twelve hours, we will be in 2007. And what will this next year bring for me and for everyone else? It's definitely hard to say, but we shall see.

I will probably post a review of the year later, once I get over this whole New Year's celebrations. :-p

I Was Born a Ramblin' (Wo)Man

I've spent so much time traveling in the past two days...I drove back to Chapel Hill on Wednesday afternoon from home, basically just packed a few things in another bag, then set out on the road again for Concord to pick up Brian. That was a long trip to make by myself, the first time I've ever driven to Charlotte without having someone to talk to! Got there a little before 7 pm, Brian's mom was really nice to give me some pot roast for dinner and some apple pie, good stuff. Brian and I left and drove up to Richmond together, got there about 12:30 in the morning. I was so tired after all that driving, even though I didn't drive any from Concord to VA! But it was good to sleep in a little yesterday, had a great burger at a local place named Dot's, yum. Watched Little Miss Sunshine and the beginning of Superman Returns, will have to finish that one later. Then I drove back to Chapel Hill to get here in time for the Rutgers basketball game, for which Matt got us risers! :-D Got to hang out with Matt and Brianna afterwards, which is always awesome, and watched Over the Hedge. Now today is just chilling and hanging out with my Sarah, who is like my little sister. :-) I'm not sure how the next few days will play out...maybe hanging out again tomorrow with Brianna, maybe going home if my family does something for Dad's birthday...but for New Year's I'm going back to Richmond, most likely. It is going to be nice to have something fun to do for New Year's instead of the traditional hanging out with my parents and watching the ball drop on TV. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I can only spend so much time with them before it gets a little worn out. My family tends to drive me crazy if I linger with them too long.

I read an astrological thing on the internet today, talking about resolutions that would be beneficial for each zodiac sign. Now I'm not one to be totally reliant on astrology and all that, but sometimes the things that end up in my horoscope are pretty accurate and concurrent with events going on in my life at the time, so I read them for advice or suggestions. Well, the resolutions that this article offered me was to eliminate relationships and encounters that were negative and did nothing but bring bad feelings into my life--because I need more positive energy and people in my life for the next year. I couldn't help but laugh at myself--in a sad pitying kind of way--about how accurate it was, considering everything that I've been going over and over in my head recently. In fact, it was kind of scary how accurate it was. I realize that no matter what I do, I can only put off for so long what really needs to be done. But I've decided on some resolutions for next year, which I will post here soon when I finish my list. And I will have to wait on how events unfold in the future before I can make any more decisions...we shall see what happens.

oh beautiful

i'm sorry i couldn't tell you soon enough
that i was walking away,
saying goodbye, wiping away the tears
of this thing gone wrong.
i wish you could have known how i felt,
how i really felt...
the words i say are full of love and warmth--
they clash with empty space in time.
i hope you know that all i ever wanted
for you was happiness
at the sake of my own, i didn't care too much...
perhaps one day your smile would really be for me
rather than through me.
i idly waited for a free moment in your life
when you weren't distracted
or complicated,
hoping that your mistakes would show you
who really cared, who would always be there.
i can't compete with whatever else is out there.
nor can i spend much more time wondering
when the next time will be
that you might hurt my feelings, break my heart, make me cry...
you cause me so many sleepless nights
through pain and dreams unfinished, waking up in a sweat,
thinking the end had really come to find me.
i can't bear this memory anymore.
nor can i live to tell the tale
to someone to give me empty advice,
while not really knowing what is really going on;
how our friendship became so intertwined and almost frightening at times--
beautiful and delicate all the same.
you are the last person i would want to hurt in this world;
beautiful soul, my friend, my better half, my partner in crime,
my listening ear, everything you are to me...please don't cry.

so much we take for granted these days. our health, our jobs, our friends, our families, our everyday conveniences. and then we act affronted when those things are taken from us or altered in a way that disturbs our normal routine.

so many of us go through each day, assuming that everything we need will always be there for us, right in front of us, and some of us settle into the complacency that things aren't meant to be worked for anymore.

the truth is, you can never stop fighting, nor can you ever cease to work hard and tirelessly for the people and things you care about. otherwise you will lose them.

in an instant, a single moment, something/someone very near and dear to you can be taken away...without causation or explanation. and afterwards, you're left to deal with the remorse, guilt, pain, grief, consequences, etc. of what's happened. some people might claim that they are strong enough to take on anything, but when it happens to you, every strong leg you had underneath you gets knocked away. then you have to figure out what to do next. those of us who have faith in God trust in the fact that He will see us through these things, but you also must have faith in yourself--and what you can do--and faith in the ones you love and the things you take comfort in.

don't take people for granted. don't take the things important to you for granted, either. cherish everything that is given to you, for these are all blessings. and the people you love and trust in, these are all angels.

work in progress...

Losing Her

She would have been beautiful today;
her hair smooth and straight under a stiff blue mortarboard,
the tassel swinging dangerously with every turn of her head.
The color of her robes like the deep sapphire of the sky,
bringing out the green in her eyes.
Her Sunday best starched and crisp, ironed with perfect creases.
She would have been successful today;
a diploma in the mail, a degree in hand,
ready to take on the world with mind and heart, drive and passion.
No one realized the stress, the pressure of being perfect,
how it was too much, too fast...
it drove her to tears
trying to comprehend failure.
But she knew it. Regretfully so.
No one could understand how she felt in this moment,
standing on the edge of oblivion,
contemplating her next action
and where it would take her.
Behind her eyes lay pain, disappointment, fear,
exhaustion with all the world around her.
She didn't know how to handle it anymore.
She didn't know if when she woke up tomorrow, it would tolerable anymore.
She prayed it would, prayed that the love she gave would be returned;
but yet always felt empty-handed, empty-hearted,
left out in the cold by the ones she thought cared.
Even her real friends didn't understand, didn't see the signs
of a friend in trouble. Either that or they were too afraid themselves.
So she waited, for an opportunity to show herself
in one sure act, so that everyone would know, no doubt...
what it was that led her to this day.
They were losing her.

Almost too late to make amends.
Better hurry to reach out and touch someone who needs it,
before we fade from memory, on tragedy after another.
Count the silences and the tears that fall between you and I--you'll have your answer.

Too Late

Funny thing is
we don't see clearly
until it's too late,
staring and staring
until we're blind,
stunned by the truth.
We spend so much of our time
trying
to figure out the why's
that we forget to look inside ourselves...
we forget to think.
We forget how to feel, can't recall
what it was like
to really find yourself so inside a passion
--or pain--
and so we are all lost.
Some just find the end of the path sooner than others.
Sometimes we don't see clearly
until we are blind,
then it's too late.

I get excited about coming home because it's free food and I'm freed from the monotony of boredom at the apartment...but then I realize once I get here it won't take long for me to go crazy and want to leave the house to return to my apartment. My family is usually responsible for that. I am looking forward to Christmas, like always, but also the days after that, actually having plans for New Year's and seeing some special people I haven't seen in a long while.

But I'm definitely not enjoying this alumni status. I have no idea what I want to do now, or what to do with myself. It's going to be so strange in January when everyone else I know goes back to class and I'm just sitting around going "wtf?" I know I need to find a job. And part of my homework for the break is researching graduate schools and their programs, trying to expand the list of options for my teaching degree. I would love to be back at Carolina and graduating in the class of 2008 with my master's, but like I've heard so many times, I have to be prepared for anything.

And that means everything...whether I can see it happening or not...am not sure how these next few weeks/months will be shaping up...or how everything will be affected by current events. It's incredibly cryptic, but I hesitate to say too much at the moment.

In Spirit

Don't cry in the times
you think of me,
Smile because of the memories.
You are loved, and so missed.
Please remember I am happy
in the place I find myself now,
at peace with everything
that has burdened me down.
Know that your heart
can heal
and time smoothes over
all wounds.
In this moment,
be happy and enjoy life.
That is all that can be asked of you.
I am always here,
even if not within reach...but in spirit.