Another year's gone by

So I had a birthday a little while back. I think the older I get, the less I feel like it's a huge deal, other than the fact that I am a year older. I have less of an inclination to "party it up big" for my birthday and "go wild and crazy" like I might have in college. That same view stretches over to celebrating other peoples' birthdays. I'm not so much a downer or a party pooper as much as I'm starting to feel too old for wild crazy nights. Once you're legal enough to drink, it really isn't a big deal anymore, and from 21 on, each year added to your age serves as a reminder to wake up and see what's really going on. And with every year I gain, I see more friends getting married, settling down, and having families of their own. One by one, they move away from the "youthful" part of our lives and more into an "adult" phase. Honestly, it can be a little constricting, to think that I have to be on this "plan" and moving towards finding someone, marrying, and settling down. But in reality, I much enjoy my freedom to make decisions that affect me, without having to run things by a boyfriend/spouse. I still have the ability to travel, to see the world and do new things, without being tied to a place or people. My friends wouldn't keep me from exploring myself, I know. But many of them have confessed that they wish they had the time/ability/opportunity to be able to go to Korea like I will in two weeks. It's not to say that I don't want someone special in my life, 'cause I do, but I've been content for so long by myself I wonder if I know how to be in a relationship again. I've watched many friends go through the pain and troubles of relationships, and offered whatever helpful ear I could. And I still don't understand why some would want to continually subject themselves to another go-round, even with different people.

Is it really hard to separate ourselves from the idea that we need to be with someone to be "complete"?

"Wobbly bits"

After rewatching Bridget Jones's Diary and Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, it really makes me want to strive to find someone who can appreciate me for who I am, as well as someone that I feel the same way for--someone who would even love all of my "wobbly bits." The character of Mark Darcy that Colin Firth portrays in these movies is definitely more aloof than my ideal guy, but his love for Bridget despite what she sees as her flaws is most endearing, and something that I hope to have in my own relationship, whenever that may be.

It also makes me realize that I need to get back to England asap, whether to visit and sightsee on a vacation, or for a more permanent arrangement. I miss the culture, the sights, the lifestyle.

choosing to fight battles

(Note: 8/18/07) A long ago conversation between a female friend & I. I recently uncovered this in my archives.

I'm very heartsick over this whole "Matt has a girlfriend" thing. I thought I was in a lot of pain after Brian broke up with me last year, but this is twice as bad. It's like a friendship and a "relationship" break-up at the same time. Matt seriously broke my heart, and I feel lost because now I don't know where to go from here. I know if I stay I just end up hurting myself more as time goes on and she replaces me as the best friend. He said it would be a long time before that was even a possibility, but I guess a long time wasn't that long after all. And the crazy thing about it is, he's not even happy with the fact that he's in a relationship. He says that it's like he knows she's not the one, but yet he likes her well enough to go out with her. I don't understand his logic well enough...he's wanted a relationship pretty much since the moment Christy broke up with him, went through all that crap with those girls, and now that he has what he's wanted, he's not even excited about it. :-/ I know I need to get out now while I still have some part of me intact (although I don't know what that is). That's the only way I'm going to avoid the pain and agony that's bound to ensue. I'm really upset and crying over the fact that I lost someone I really care about, someone I really love, to someone who he isn't excited about and probably won't appreciate him the way I do. But I realize you can't make people love you, or feel however you want them to. I can't guarantee that he will ever feel that way, even if I were to leave and he could realize what I mean to him. (If anything important at all.) I am also upset with the fact that he passed up something that could have been really awesome, simply because he just didn't feel that way. I don't even know if he could try. But it makes me so sad, all around.

The whole thing reminds me of a song that says "You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall." The fact of the matter is that it takes two people, equally dedicated, to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try, if he isn't willing to love as hard as you do, it won't work and you are one who ends up hurt. As for this girl, don't worry about her replacing you. She may consume his time and attention, but it is the same thing we talked about with trying to replace Matt. When someone leaves an impression on you, no one will ever fill that role precisely. I don't know how or what Matt feels right now, but I know he has cared about you in the past. I remember the times when Britt was crazy about him but he used to blow her off for you. That is just his style. It hurts like hell now when you are on the other end, but you should never take it as a personal reflection of the type of person you are. The only thing you are guilty of is loving the wrong person and not realizing it until you were in too deep. We all do it at some point. This whole thing just proves that the only way you are going to protect yourself from the pain he inflicts is to push him away. The less you know about his escapades, the better off you are. I guess in some cases it is true, ignorance IS bliss. The pain of a broken heart is the worst pain humans are capable of experiencing, but at the same time, I have learned to be thankful for that pain because at least is proves that we CAN feel. You know how much love to give, and you know you can make someone happy. It hurts like hell because it isn't the person you want it to be, but that is like trying to make a shoe fit that is 3 sizes too small just because you love the way they look. God has a person for you, and it is tough to accept, but it may not be Matt. You have learned a lot of valuable lessons from him that you can be thankful for, and once you see what they are, the pain will heal. You will find someone who appreciates you, and I would be willing to be money, it will be when you least expect it.

Do you think with all of that going on I should try to maintain the friendship and not ask for details, or just give it up because it would be too much? Things make it hard to figure out what would be a better option.
I'm not one to advocate backing down from a challenge, but sometimes we all have to admit defeat. Cut your losses and move on...you are strong enough.
Yeah, I don't think this is a battle I want to fight 'cause I know I won't make any victories in it. I probably won't tell him I'm doing it this time, because then that just gives him the chance to try and convince me I'm wrong for doing it, and I can't take any more of that emotional bungeeing. I know that I can probably deal with this, but I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from, that really sucks. And I hate to try and 'borrow" it from you guys, cause you all have things you have to worry about yourselves.
And by the way, don't let me ever hear you feel guilty again for "borrowing strength" from your friends. That is what they are for. People are not solitary creatures. We are not meant to silently suffer by ourselves. If we cannot lean on each other, we are doomed to fall. If there is not a hand to pick us up, we are destined to lie there.

rainy days

rainy days are good for naps. right now i wish i could take one. but i have to stay awake for another 50 minutes so i can check out residents here in ehaus south. i've been here for 5 hours and only checked out 5 residents...so not too terribly exciting.

rainy days also make me sad and nostalgic. i wake up in the morning to the sound of rain falling on the balcony outside and i just have to lie there and think for a while. i used to think it was so beautiful, the way it washed all the dirt and such away and made everything cleaner, but now the rain holds so much deeper, more painful meaning. just like i'm foreboding when the air gets cool again in the fall and the moon comes out full and big as a dinnerplate. those nights will haunt me now as well. i can't watch a carolina baseball game without thinking of the night we snuck into the stadium and it was almost a full moon there. the memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will make me smile with the tenderness and excitement of the moment, but then in their absence, i'll remember i don't have those moments now. i'll think of you with both a smile on my face but tears in my eyes because only you have managed to touch my heart that way. i love you, i can't deny that, as much as i've tried to ignore the feeling or forget it...i try to hide it with little success. and now that you're leaving i wonder if it will make it easier to forget, which in itself is a dangerous thing. you're one i can't forget, leaving such a impressionable mark on my heart. to do without you in my life would be painful. i just don't know how the future will play out for you, for me, for us (if a possibility)...

but if i have to wait 3/4 years to be able to see you again and see how you feel...i don't give a damn what else happens in the meantime. i might be sad, and i might complain, but i just gotta wait and see...i can't give up on that possibility...i'm sorry. there's just something in the way that i feel about you that won't let me let it go that easily. perhaps there's a greater reason for that that neither you or i understand. we just need to wait and see...promise me you'll try to see that.

i do love you--very much. and i can't describe how much i will miss you once you've gone and you're not within 15 min reach. i don't know how things will be without you and i being close. i just hope it matters.

the beginning of the end

and so it goes...i title this post thusly because i realize that within a few days, everything will be very different in my life. not just because i'm not graduating (or at least i think i won't be doing so on time), but because a lot of people i know are going to be graduating and leaving chapel hill. forever. i hate to think of how things are going to be different. and somehow a few people aren't realizing the full implication of it all, no matter how much i try to explain it.

b--i can't even begin to say how much i will miss you. right now i can't even imagine what i will do without you in my life. i love you so much hon, and it pains me to have to say goodbye. so i won't. this is only until i see you again.

m--hey you, you should know that things will never be the same for us, no matter how things wind up this summer/next year. our friendship (as we know it) is forever altered. i wish that it didn't have to be so complicated, but i know that circumstances aren't really going to allow for that. my feeling is that with us, i might have to say goodbye, as much as i don't want that to happen...but i feel something terrible brewing...

relief...

so had a lengthy conversation with brian today. it went well, yes there were tears on my part, but when i care about someone as much as i care about him, i don't really see how there couldn't be tears. i feel much better now about our relationship, having gone over everything i felt insecure (and even partly jealous) about. he told me about his friendship with cat, his feelings for me, & how he really wanted to be with me (although he keeps saying i deserve better). we also discussed how i felt like he was holding back in our relationship, maybe because he was afraid i was going to let him down. i will never let him down. nor will i ever back out on him or let him fall. just as he would do the same for me. he would take care of me no matter what, i realize that now. he wants to take care of me and make sure i'm safe and happy, no matter at what cost. as i want to do the same for him. i realized so many things about us and him and me that puts me at ease. and then going to bible study helped me see a lot, too. there are so many things in our relationship that have yet to come up, especially things with brian's future in the ministry & going through the ordination process. but these are things that we'll discuss when they come. he says he'll never hide anything from me, nor does he want me to hide things from him. and i don't ever want to feel jealous of anything, including his friendship with cat (i don't want him to stop being friends with her, i only wish i could have had a friendship of some kind with jeremy). i'm looking forward to going to his house for thanksgiving and spending time with him and his family. i can't wait to see what it's like.

thinking...

Imagine my hurt and surprise when I found out the other night that my boyfriend still had feelings for his ex. Not only that, but feelings possibly strong enough to the point where he might want to be with her again. I don't know what to say or what I should think but I'll tell you how I've been feeling since then. Like I want to have a nervous breakdown. I sat in Milton class yesterday on the brink of tears while we're discussing "Paradise Lost" because I didn't know what I should do. I cried on the way back from the Cingular store on the bus to south campus because I felt so lost. I've gone around it and over it in my mind dozens of times, but still haven't figured out it all exactly.

It hurts because of how much I care about him. It hurts because I keep thinking that he will might never care about me as much as I care about him because he's still in love with her. He asked me if I still had feelings for my ex, but I can honestly say I don't. Every feeling I have is for him, my boyfriend, he's the one I'm with right now and want to be with for a long time. It's just that now I'm not sure how long "a long time" will be. True, neither one of know what is in our futures or what it is we really want yet to happen in life, but I would like at least a little bit of security. And somehow I don't feel all that secure.

I keep thinking that I can't keep him from what he really wants/needs. I can't pretend that everything is the way it should be if I'm really not what is to be; like I'm a stop on a journey before reaching the final destination. The truth of the matter is, he very well might end up with her and there is nothing I can do about that. But the other thing is that I want to be with him while he figures things out. While we both figure things out; and whether we belong in each other's lives. It wouldn't be right of me to care about him and us if I didn't want to stay here and love him, care about him, be there for him. And in the process of figuring things out, he could very well realize the one he truly wants to be with is her, his ex. I don't know what I would do at that point if that were the case. It all depends on how emotionally involved/evolved I am by then. I hope that moment never comes, but then again, I am the eternal optimist. My motto is to try to live life one day at a time, never really stressing too much about the future. Trying to live by that... Right now I'm just a little uneasy/uncertain because of what he's told me. I suppose it's okay to feel uncertain, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel lost. What do I do?

it's all love to me

"love wandered inside
stronger than you
stronger than i
and now that is has begun
we cannot turn back
we can only turn into one..."

love is such an awesome feeling. i'm enjoying experiencing it for the first time in a long time. i have to thank God for the blessings in my life, and for the wonderful people who have touched my life in a variety of ways.

and i have to thank YOU for being so awesome. everything about you is cute, and everything you say & do makes me happy.