The new song of the moment is the painfully sad, but beautiful "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini, a 20-year-old Scottish singer/songwriter. Imagine the feeling of knowing that your relationship is almost over, but you want that one last night of closeness before the end. And that is the emotion behind "Last Request." I hope you like it.

audio sunshine

I went ahead and changed the song of the moment again, I realized I had already used the Rascal Flatts (cough). This was a free download on ITunes awhile back, "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. I love how upbeat it is, and the lyrics are pretty awesome, too. Check it out for a little sunshine in your day!

Live music.

Here's an interesting question to see the responses:

What are the 5 albums that changed your life?

Mine would have to be:

1. John Mayer "Continuum"
2. Carlos Santana "Supernatural"
3. The Last Kiss soundtrack
4. Alanis Morissette "Jagged Little Pill"
5. Sarah McLachlan "Mirrorball"

I've seen what you can do...

"I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles
And hopeless dreams come true
You made the heaven and the stars
Everything
C'mon how hard can it be
To make her love me..."
--Rascal Flatts

Miracles are just that...miraculous events that happen to people. How often have I heard from people talking that they "hope for a miracle" to solve a situation that they can't fix themselves? That phrase is uttered so often, sometimes taken more lightly than is necessary.

I know that I have been guilty of asking God to work miracles in my life for situations that were not appropriate or worthy of having His grace to save. If something happens, I need to be more cognizant of the fact that He wants it to be this way because he knows what the larger plan is for my life. I tend to forget many times to just trust in Him and that He knows what is best for me. So I end up trying to take everything into my own hands and it usually ends up as a mess. One of the best things I have heard regarding this is "Let go and let God." I think if we could all try to let go of the things that bother us, even the littlest concerns and take confidence in the fact that someone with more power to handle our situations will take care of everything, then we'd all breathe a little easier.

"Makes Me Wonder"

The new song and video by Maroon 5. Enjoy. :-D

To be "almost honest"

I changed the title of my blog again, but I think this reflects things more accurately. Plus, that song by Josh Kelley has been perpetually stuck in my head.

I think a lot of times when we talk to people, even the ones we are closest to, we are "almost honest." I know that our friends and family expect us to be completely honest with them about what's going on, but sometimes the littlest bit of yourself needs to be kept to yourself. Otherwise you just have everything hanging out there for people to see, use and abuse, and there's no personal bit of yourself left. I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to people about what I think or what's going on, but I might keep some things to myself that I only really want myself to know. I feel like so many people would look at me differently if they knew what I know, and I don't want that to be the case.

Truth is, there are some things I can never share with the rest of the world. Only a trusted few have been lucky to hear some of the crazy things that have been going on with me, because I know that they understand, and would never share that information with others. (As much as I've been told that I need to talk to some individuals about stuff that would be greatly helpful to know, I just can't bring myself to make those confessions.)

Only God really knows and understands the pain, the weakness, the deepest secrets in my heart. I pray that He will help me through these difficult times.

It seems that there's been no break from difficult moments these past few months...pretty much since the new year started it's been one thing or another; one trial or another to wreak havoc on me. I hope that somewhere in here there is a break; something that will allow me to stand up and dust myself off and maybe to get going again. I know that He's testing me for something yet to come, but He knows that I'm not the strongest person ever...I'm rather fragile emotionally. I don't know how many more tests I can endure, God, I don't want to break again.

I thought I had felt pain before this, but this is twice as bad. It's almost like having a relationship break up and losing a close friendship at the same time, a double whammy to the gut. The pain cuts deeper, I feel more lost, and more haunted by time than before. You care about every person differently; you love each person you fall in love with differently, as well. No one emotion is ever the same in the realm of love. The people you love make certain of that. And there is no trying to love someone new the way you loved in the past--it could never work because you end up trying to make comparisons between the old and the new. (That ends up driving you and the one you care about apart, trying to hold him/her up to expectations that are completely unique to each person in your life.)

Something from the Bible has really jumped out at me during this time. (I've spent more time recently delving into the Bible and finding passages that help me to try and understand what's going on in life these days, and also invested more time in church lately than I have been in the past. It really does help.)

Matthew 16:26: What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

I feel like this helps to reinforce my point that everyone should try to keep a little of himself or herself to themselves at times, and not give out everything that they have, for there is nothing left if they do. By giving up your soul to gain everything that you ever wanted in the world, you are giving up your essence as a person and taking on whatever evils you open yourself up to. In addition, there has to be a limit to how much of yourself you give to people you care about, otherwise you just run the risk of expending yourself to the point of emptiness. (Like I feel now, sadly.) You can only invest so much emotionally (and physically) in your endeavors before you have to step back and call it quits...I am so there now.

This has been a good week for my musical tastes. :-D First I find out that John Mayer is coming to Walnut Creek Ampitheatre in July with Ben Folds, which is AMAZING in itself...I finally get to see Ben Folds and John Mayer (under the same roof)!

Then I find out today that Maroon 5 is FINALLY putting out another CD. Thank goodness...Songs About Jane came out in like 2003ish, so it's been a long time coming. The first single off of the new CD is called "Makes Me Wonder." The CD, entitled It Won't Be Soon Before Long, will be out on May 22nd.

You know how sometimes you discover a musical artist or a group that you really enjoy? And then you just kinda go on a streak of finding all the stuff you can by that person, just because you're eager to explore everything that this artist has to offer.

It's especially good when he or she has a ton of songs that you can listen to and be like "I can identify with what this song is saying, and that's awesome!"

While browsing for songs from Smallville, I came across the song "Cain and Able" by Josh Kelley. This song was featured in episode 8 of this season, entitled "Rage." (If you haven't gotten to see this season, or Smallville in general, I highly recommend it! I just only got into the show last year, and have since then caught up on all the seasons.)

But after hearing this song, I went on a search to see what else Josh Kelley had done. And so I came across a song called "Amazing," which I recognized as a radio hit that had been released a few years ago. In addition, I found "Almost Honest," which is quite an emotionally charged song, dealing with honesty in relationships. Of course, it doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships, it also goes for your friendships as well. The lyrics I will post below, and I hope you get the chance to listen to this song. (I am working on trying to get it uploaded somewhere so you can hear it.) Enjoy.

"Almost Honest"
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl
She's easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I lay with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

beautiful song...listen to it sometime

"Angels Or Devils"
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever are
we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
-and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

when the rain comes

so this song has been stuck in my head for a long, long while...very pretty...by third day, if you haven't heard anything by them, hit me up, i have some of their music.

When the Rain Comes
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide / Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall
on everyone
So rest awhile / it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain / From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain / But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes/ I will hold you

starting fresh (?)

so i started my "rehab" today. it's not easy, but no one ever said it would be. but i needed to make some decisions, and i made them...of course, the result might not be liked by some, but odds are they won't even notice...

i realized when i was sitting in my car early sunday morning, crying in the dark, slightly drunk, with my "sad songs" playlist going on my ipod cause it fit my mood...that things needed to be different. i knew. i knew that the status quo would never be different, no matter how much i wanted it to be or tried to direct it to be. i knew that i should have left that party several drinks earlier, when i was only slightly tipsy. i knew that i shouldn't have let myself give into a false sense of security in order to feel "comforted," if only for a few minutes...i knew i shouldn't leave myself open any longer to be hurt or used, just because i was there and very convenient

cause sooner or later you realize you can't keep putting up the front that everything is okay...smiling through your tears and pain only lasts for so long before you break...until someone/something affects you in such a way that you just explode...

and i don't want to explode...or implode again for that matter...

so i have to say goodbye. i have to do this so that i can get you out of me, out of my mind, my skin, my heart. i realized something else that night...how much you don't need me anymore. i'm just filling space between the ideal you want and what you have at this moment...and i'm beginning to see that i don't need that pain anymore...

we have seemed to grow out of each other.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

my apologies m.

favorite song of the moment

this is such a thought-provoking song, pretty much everytime i hear it, i have to stop and listen to it just because it's so emotion-evoking...

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

heather's life soundtrack

Open whatever program stores your music, hit shuffle, then list the songs in the order they appear down the list. No cheating!

Opening credit: Comedown [UNC Clefhangers]
Waking up: Bad Idea [Ben Folds]
Average day: Gone Going [Black Eyed Peas feat. Jack Johnson]
First Date: Virginia, No One Can Warn You [Tift Merritt]
Falling in love: Killing Me Softly [Lauren Hill & the Fugees]
Fight scene: Die Without You [UNC Clefhangers]
Breaking up: Gravity [Embrace]
Getting back together: Everything's Alright [Jesus Christ Superstar]
Secret love: 21st Century Kid [Jamie Cullum]
Life's okay: Ridin' Dirty [Paul Wall]
Mental breakdown: No Good Deed [Wicked]
Driving: Young America [Jump Little Children]
Learning a lesson: When Will You Come Back Home [Ryan Adams & the Cardinals]
Deep thought: Come Together [Third Day]
Flashback: F*ck It (I Don't Want You Back) [Eamon]
Partying: Out of My Mind [John Mayer Trio]
Happy dance: What A Difference A Day Made [Jamie Cullum]
Regretting: Take Me or Leave Me [Rent]
Long night alone: On Your Wings [Iron & Wine]
Death scene: Bastard [Ben Folds]

music as it is in my life (this is interesting)

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs?: 1135 (this is part of why my laptop doesn't run well anymore!)

Sort by artist
First artist: 112
Last artist: Zero 7

Sort by song name
First: "0% Interest" by Jason Mraz
Last: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time
Shortest Song: "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today" from the Avenue Q soundtrack
Longest Song: Michael Jackson medley by the UNC Clefhangers

First Album: #1's by Mariah Carey
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You by Matchbox Twenty
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Here I Am to Worship" by PLUS ONE

How many songs come up when you search for "sex": 3
How many songs come up when you search for "death": 43 (i have a lot of deathcab for cutie, that's why)
How many songs come up when you search for "love": 55 (yep, definitely a romantic)
How many songs come up when you search for "you": 165 (you is a very popular word in songs apparently)
How many songs come up when you search for "why": 2
How many songs come up when you search for "God": 8 (funny, i thought it would be more with my huge selection of Christian music)
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy": 11

it's all love to me

"love wandered inside
stronger than you
stronger than i
and now that is has begun
we cannot turn back
we can only turn into one..."

love is such an awesome feeling. i'm enjoying experiencing it for the first time in a long time. i have to thank God for the blessings in my life, and for the wonderful people who have touched my life in a variety of ways.

and i have to thank YOU for being so awesome. everything about you is cute, and everything you say & do makes me happy.