Another year's gone by

So I had a birthday a little while back. I think the older I get, the less I feel like it's a huge deal, other than the fact that I am a year older. I have less of an inclination to "party it up big" for my birthday and "go wild and crazy" like I might have in college. That same view stretches over to celebrating other peoples' birthdays. I'm not so much a downer or a party pooper as much as I'm starting to feel too old for wild crazy nights. Once you're legal enough to drink, it really isn't a big deal anymore, and from 21 on, each year added to your age serves as a reminder to wake up and see what's really going on. And with every year I gain, I see more friends getting married, settling down, and having families of their own. One by one, they move away from the "youthful" part of our lives and more into an "adult" phase. Honestly, it can be a little constricting, to think that I have to be on this "plan" and moving towards finding someone, marrying, and settling down. But in reality, I much enjoy my freedom to make decisions that affect me, without having to run things by a boyfriend/spouse. I still have the ability to travel, to see the world and do new things, without being tied to a place or people. My friends wouldn't keep me from exploring myself, I know. But many of them have confessed that they wish they had the time/ability/opportunity to be able to go to Korea like I will in two weeks. It's not to say that I don't want someone special in my life, 'cause I do, but I've been content for so long by myself I wonder if I know how to be in a relationship again. I've watched many friends go through the pain and troubles of relationships, and offered whatever helpful ear I could. And I still don't understand why some would want to continually subject themselves to another go-round, even with different people.

Is it really hard to separate ourselves from the idea that we need to be with someone to be "complete"?

Technobabble

I think I've gotten much better at this whole HTML/CSS code thing, with editing layouts and all. (Nice to know not all of my Computer Applications knowledge has gone to waste...but I can recall that when I was taking those classes, CSS was still relatively new in the Internet coding world.) Besides that, I managed to put a nice tag cloud on here, instead of the usual "labels" list, and changed the specs to match my blog. Not to mention, also used the great Google search to find hex codes for colors that Blogger won't normally give you. :-) I'd give myself a pat on the back if I didn't feel so dorky. :-p

P.S. Does it bother anyone else that these days it's perfectly acceptable to say things like "Google it" when asked a question you don't know the answer to or use "Facebook" as a verb? Or that increasing numbers of people rely on Wikipedia for factual information for papers and reports? It's almost like people can't take the time to appreciate dictionaries, encyclopedias, or reputable online reference sources anymore. The printed word still exists in our increasingly-reliant-on-technology world, and has been around since man figured out how to make papyrus. Granted, technology and the Internet have made things easier and quicker to access, but at the same time, I feel like it has caused people to lose their grounding with the real world--the world of turning pages, handwritten-script, physical books and papers you can actually lay your hands on. Of course, this might seem a bit of an oxymoron coming from me, writing in an electronic blog, but I still make a point and take the time to write (with pen in hand!) in my bound book journal. I like to be able to experience the way that ink flows across the page in my script, to enjoy the way that books smell when new and old, and to be filled with satisfaction at the physical output of filling pages with my thoughts. This technology age is also why I get frustrated sometimes at the library, missing the good old card catalog like the one we had in elementary school, you know, the one with all the card drawers you could pull out?
Well, the point of all that is I find our over-reliance on technology a little disturbing and frustrating at times. I hate to think what might happen in the future with the development of new technology, pushing us further into the 21st century and beyond--maybe a world not unlike Terminator or I, Robot, or maybe perhaps an environment like Brave New World, Gattaca, or Minority Report. Interesting and scary to think about, no?

Across the world...for 365 days.

I know I have mentioned this in passing to several people, and talked to some others in-depth about my desire to do this, but I wanted to let everyone know the details of what's going on. I've been offered the opportunity to go to South Korea for a year and teach English as a Second Language to kindergarten students. I will be teaching in Gwangju Metropolitan City (also known as Kwangju Metropolitan City), which is in the southwestern part of Korea. It's about 3 hours from Seoul by bus, 2 by train, and is the 6th largest city in Korea. It's plenty industrialized, but it's very clean and much cheaper compared to Seoul. My estimated departure should be around the end of January, beginning of February, depending on how long it takes for my paperwork for the E-2 visa to be processed by the Korean Government. I am very excited about going and experiencing all that this has to offer, but I'm also very nervous about leaving everyone behind for a year! Yes, I will be overseas for a year; that's how long the contract lasts. Of course, I do get some vacation time that I will want to take for the holidays, or I might get the chance to visit sometime before then.

To let people know about my adventures in Korea, I have created a blog where I will chronicle the time spent there, and post pictures. You can find news of my Asian travels at http://thekimchichronicles.blogspot.com. Also, I will post pictures on Facebook, and email people to let them know I'm doing well. If you would like to be on my email list, please send me a message and let me know this, so I will have that on record. I hope that I will get to see a good majority of you before I leave, but I know that might not happen, so I want to let all of you know I will miss you terribly, and hope that all of you have a wonderful year, no matter what you are doing. I love all of my friends! Feel free to ask any questions you may have, and I will be happy to answer them.

Whenever I'm in the midst of having to make a bunch of potentially life-changing decisions, all I want to do is panic about the possible outcomes, probably just like a lot of other people would. If there's anything that the last few years have taught me, it's that I'm not as strong as I think I am--or as people see me as. But I always want to try and be strong for the people that need me; for my friends. I don't want to let them down in a crisis. It's just at the end of the day, sometimes all I can do is go home and cry to myself over the pain that has been confided in me. And I pray and wonder when things will start getting better for them. If that makes me weak, then I'd hate to think that love and compassion are weaknesses.

On a separate note, if I didn't message or call occasionally to see how you were doing, what would happen then? Perhaps you wouldn't notice, or even care.

I think I did this a long time ago, but it's nice to bring it out again--it's fun to see the responses.

Your Life Soundtrack
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
7. When you're finished, repost so other people can do it!


Opening Credits: "You're My Better Half" - Keith Urban

Waking Up: "Speed of Sound" - Coldplay

Falling in Love: "Africa Bamba" - Santana

Fight Song: "With or Without You" - U2

Breaking Up: "What If You" - Joshua Radin

Prom: "Raining on Sunday" - Keith Urban

Life: "I'll Stand By You" - Carrie Underwood

Mental Breakdown: "Won't Back Down" - Mat Kearney

Driving: "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" - Nine Days

Flashback: "One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Wedding: "She Thinks She Needs Me" - Andy Griggs

Birth of a Child: "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine" - Michael Buble

Final Battle: "Back To You" - John Mayer

Death Scene: "Once Upon a Dream" - Jekyll & Hyde OBCR

Funeral Song: "Thank You" - Dido

End Credit: "Staple it Together" - Jack Johnson

Listen up

I read today that while most people consider themselves good listeners and pride themselves on this, the truth is that we aren't really listening most of the time. Instead, we are hearing what the other person is saying, but really just looking for a way to turn the conversation back to ourselves. Even if it is an innocuous as saying "Well, I can empathize with your situation, because I've been there before, and this is how I felt," it still defeats the purpose of really listening to what your friend, family member, etc. is trying to tell you. Relating their personal issue to something that happened to you, even if you meant it in the best of sympathetic attention, trivializes whatever they are struggling with. People who come to you wanting to talk about what's bothering them just want you to listen, not judging, and care about what's going on. Advice comes later, if they should ask for it. I think a lot of times we jump into a overly-helpful phase where we try to give as much attention to what's happening, but doing that much isn't necessary on all occasions. Just listening and being there is good enough.

I know sometimes I'm guilty of trying to use my past experiences to help people out in current situations, but I really try to just listen and tell the person that I'm there for them as a kind ear or whatever they might need. It really helps, believe me.

So what do you think? Would you consider yourself a good listener? How about an active or passive one? I'm interested in hearing what you have to say. :o)

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." -- Demosthenes

This came from a book I just finished reading, The Tenth Circle, by Jodi Picoult. The premise of the quote is that the main character's father has trouble conveying his true emotions, as well as recognizing the truth in what happens around him. Instead, he escapes from that reality in his comic book drawings, preferring instead to let out his frustrations in storyboard design. I highly recommend the book, Jodi Picoult has a very distinct and easy-reading writing style that enables her to tackle hard-hitting issues and make them strike at the heart of the reader.

But this quote serves other purposes, however. I bet many people can attest to, at one point or another, engaging in self-deception, no matter what the cause of it. We tell ourselves that things are different than how we see them; that we're different than how we are or people see us, because we don't want to hear nor acknowledge the truth.

It is said that the truth can set you free, but at the same time, it is painful to know it. With that kind of contradiction, what seems to be the best option? In the case of most people I know and trust, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. It sure beats having someone find out about the omitted bits of the story later...

(And the "tenth circle" that the book refers to is referring Dante's Divine Comedy and its nine levels of hell. This little-known level is merely the creation of Picoult's characters' minds, but I believe it really could exist, even if Dante didn't mention it himself. The tenth level is reserved for those who practice self-deception, like Demosthenes has described in my earlier quote.)

Did you ever have one of those days where it felt like the world decided to make you the butt of the joke? And all you want to do is fast-forward through all the unpleasant parts or wake up, realizing it was all a dream...

Pomp & Circumstance

Tonight marked the 4th time that I've been to my high school's graduation. I know that's nothing compared to some people, especially the long-employed teachers who have are there every year at the ceremony, some hovering around 30 years! But tonight serves to remind me just how much time has passed between my high school graduation and now...5 years...and how much has changed about me and in my life. Priorities completely realigned, different and new friendships, lots of experiences that are true only to being in college...the list goes on. I looked out on the field of the Class of 2007 tonight and I was hit with a sense of nostalgia, and of jealousy. Jealous because many of those graduates were on the cusp of going off to college, taking their first steps into their futures, and I wanted to be in that position again. I would give a lot to be going into my freshman year at Carolina once more, because those four years are an experience you could do over and over again and have it be different each time. It's definitely a thing of "If I knew then what I know now." Along with "If I could do it all over again, what would I do differently?" Some part of me misses the naive 18 year old that I was prior to coming to college. For now I feel weathered, hardened, and battle-scarred. (And through all that I still manage to look young. :-p I could never figure how to look grown-up.)

I am very excited that Sarah (my brother's gf) is getting to embark on this experience, though. She's going to ECU to study nursing, and is extremely smart. I'm hoping she enjoys college life just as much as I did, and Justin does as well.

Books, where have you gone?

I made my 3rd trip to the Lee County Library yesterday, in search of more reading material. Going to Barnes & Noble this past weekend with my mom made me crave books. That's one of the dangerous stores I have to be careful in, otherwise I would come out with several bags crammed full of books. There's so many new ones out that I want to read, along with lots of classics--it's so hard to resist! I know that if I do this teaching thing, I'm going to have shelves filled with books in my classroom, and it will carry over to my house.

So the thing that made me sad about going to the local library is the lack of new books in their stacks. There were a few books that I wanted to read, The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. But my search at the library was futile. I know that the taxpayers pay for the library to be in operation, so can we have some new books that aren't murder mysteries? I can only take so much of the same genre before it gets old. I was a little more successful yesterday, I picked up a few titles from the bestsellers list, past and more recent (gasp, they actually had books from a year ago!). So now I'm devouring this collection, until I finish and go back to get more books from my list. :o)

I guess I'm too accustomed to the gigantic catalogs of books that university libraries possess, hence my disappointment at the county library. College spoils us.

Interesting reading

I was poking around on MSN.com today and found this article, which goes well with the one I bookmarked from a few days ago. I'm going to put both links in this post so if you're interested, you can check the articles out.

The one I read tonight was an insight into how your birth order affects your love life and romantic style. Well, considering my love life sucks, and my younger brother has a more serious relationship than I do, I found this intriguing. Maybe you will find it applicable to your own life.

The other article was on praying for love. I know from talking to a lot of people that they (and myself included) pray for God to bring them someone to love, someone that they find compatible and wonderful enough for their affections. But how beneficial is it to pray for love and leave it completely up to God to figure out? Someone once told me that God is not a dating service, you have to do most of the work yourself when it comes to finding someone. But He can guide you into a frame of mind that readies you for a relationship, as well as giving you a way to form common bonds with others that believe like you do.

Faith is one of the major things that makes or breaks relationships these days, along with money and distance. In a long-distance relationship, partners who share in the idea of religion are more successful in sustaining the relationship. You can put your trust in God that He will lead you to the right person, but He is not going to do all the work for you---that's the beauty of dating.

Preliminary design

I've been working on the tattoo design that I mentioned in an earlier post, trying to figure out what looked good. And so I tinkered around with Paint for awhile, and this is what I've come up with for starters...tell me what you think! (I think everything might end up being in black ink, to keep things as simple as possible.)

Later...

I got some input, and made a cool edit to the earlier design, something to give it a little more "personality." Here's a revised version:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

I just wanted to say that I love my mom and everything she does for me and my family. She's awesome, and deserves so much more than what she gets.

I found this out in cyberspace...and wanted to share it with you all, the faithful few who come to read this.

*You are dying right now as you read this, accept that and have a life while you can.
*Guilt and shame are absolutely useless. Be who you know you are and do not put yourself in the position of having to justify yourself or over explain who, how, why, or what you are.
*The best way to get something from someone is to give it to them first - only then are you really worthy of it.
*Loving a person means you want better things for them than they want for themselves. It also means knowing what buttons to push to make them hurt, because if you truly love them you will never ever push those buttons. Ever.
*Have no fear of rejection. No one can really reject you anyway, all they can do is prove they were never worthy of you to begin with.
*All people come into your life for a different reason, the categories are simple. they come for a single reason, a season, or a lifetime. You must accept people as they are but that is not to say that you have to accept being completely incompatible with them.
*There is never a right time, there is never a perfect time, but there is ALWAYS a better time.
*Challenge yourself as often as you can so that you will know what your limits are, and until you know what your limits are, live as though you have none whatsoever.
*Live in the now, it is all you really have. The past is over and unchangeable, the future is uncertain. Live in the now, make it memorable, and make it count.
*Take people at their actions and not their words. You will never know who they really are by what they say, think, feel, or claim to believe, only by what they do. This is how character is both built and revealed.
*True joy only exists in self acceptance. Seek perfect acceptance instead of a perfect life.
*Honor and celebrate the people who love you, accept you, and put up with your bullshit like your life depends on it - when you get down to it, it really does.

I don't claim to be an artist by any means. That's probably what's making my design work so difficult at the moment. :-p I'm trying to incorporate a few of the elements that are important in my life into one design (of course, one that isn't too complicated in itself) for a tattoo idea. Of course, the time to get it is still a long ways away, but it never hurts to get started early, huh? I know some people are going to read this and be like "What, Heather?!?! You're getting a tattoo?!?" I am thinking about it--hence trying to design it so that if I get the notion to, I at least would have something to go with. :-p

Also trying to keep things in perspective with all of the stuff going on right now...3 days and so far so good...hopefully it will keep going that well...only time will tell if I can move on.

Rue, rue, rue your boat.

So apparently people don't love me enough to take time to tell me what they think about me? **Referring to this link** (Or just are too busy and/or just don't care. :-p)

My current frustration is trying to figure out what to do for my summer. Ideally I'd like to work, preferably in Chapel Hill/Durham/RTP, but jobs seem to be a little evasive at the moment. I'm trying to figure out if education is what I really want to do with the rest of my life...after tutoring those kids, man, I need to know if maybe there's something I would love more than teaching day in and day out. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it was awesome to have the kids understand what I was explaining to them (and then they would remember it for tests so their grades improved). But my first love, even before I changed my mind and decided to major in English (instead of Forensic Pathology, long story), was BOOKS! Books, writing, reading, the whole nine yards. I think if I could spend the rest of my life reading, writing, editing books, journals, papers...hey, anything with words in English, then I would be happy. Not to mention I would probably end up well-educated and well-read having gone through all that material! (I might even learn more than what I learned in four years of college.)

I was just thinking about that the other day...how much I actually learned in college from taking all those classes...what I can still remember from lectures, anything useful at all. It's kind of sad, I don't know yet if I can put 45 hours of credit in English to good use. Was all my reading of Chaucer, Pope, Frost, Poe, Hawthorne, Milton, Shakespeare in vain? Will it ever amount to anything worthwhile, all the time I spent writing those darn criticism papers? And what about my other 80+ credit hours? What good is all that history, philosophy, religious studies, etc. doing for me now, other than providing answers to Jeopardy questions? I have a piece of very nice paper that says I did all the coursework and graduated with a "Bachelor of Arts in English" from UNC, but is it worth the paper it was printed on?

Such is the musing of a rueful graduate. I wish I was still an undergrad. To all my friends that are still in undergrad, you all have it lucky. It's all still convenient, even as much as you gripe to me about class, tests, papers, finals. The real world is a whole lot more frustrating than an 8 am class, believe me. And to have the freedom in deciding whether to go to class or not is something I wish I still had. There's really no deciding whether or not to go to work. You just do it if you want to keep your job and get paid.

I need to go back to school, as soon as possible. I've started perusing where I want to expand my graduate school application search. Even to schools outside of NC, yep. Currently doing research on the best schools for education in the country. And the best schools for English/Creative Writing, cause I realize I might be better off pursuing a Master's in Literature and Writing. It might be easier to get in that way, already having my BA, and it expands the possibilities in programs I could apply to.

It scares me to think that more of my important people would up and move after they graduated. Granted, it is still a little ways off for many, but I am sad when people I love move away. Of course, I know that for those who really counted, we would go through heaven and earth to be able to see each other. I rue the fact currently that I haven't been able to see that many of my friends that left last year and scattered themselves across the country. Don't I wish I had the provisions to be able to do that...

So much...

Crazy times, y'all.

This has been quite a week for experiences. Singlehandedly, I had the most life-changing, eye-opening two hour experience of my 23 years Wednesday evening. I had the pleasant opportunity to attend a seminar given by David Coleman, aka "the real life Dr. Hitch." For those of you who have seen the movie with Will Smith, you'll know who I'm talking about. The seminar focused not only on dating questions and issues, but also touched on relationships, both with your significant other and your friends. David Coleman talked about how true friends are never jealous of each other, and that they don't keep score in a friendship (like who does what and when). He also said that in a true friendship, there are never secrets between friends because honesty is always present.

I must admit I felt guilty and weird as he talked about friendship and knowing whether yours are true or not. Everything he was describing seemed to be the exact opposite of a situation I have with a friend currently. I was so confused at this point, so I stayed after to talk to him. I asked him what one can do in a situation like mine, because I'm having trouble deciding what the best course of action is. His words? "As long as you have feelings for someone, you can never be his or her friend." All of my other friends have been saying pretty much the same for a while. I don't discount anything that my friends tell me as advice, I know they all have good reason in saying what they do. But for someone who doesn't know me or the situation behind the question I asked, his simple advice was overwhelmingly right. As long as there are feelings present, you can't be friends with the person that you have them about, for they always run the risk of disrupting the friendship. (And furthermore, ruining it.) As for people needing others to be their friends; it's not a matter of needing them to be your friends, it's always a matter of wanting them in your life as your friends. Needing someone in your life is equal to making them an object, instead of a person.

And then my thoughts have been further confirmed by the past few days. It makes me realize that it's time to stand up and take charge or be prepared to be walked on again and again. (The idea of which I'm not too fond of.) I'm kinda glad that I'm going home for the summer, at least I won't have to deal with this crap on a daily basis anymore...

I'm just not going to make the effort...it's not worth the time or pain. If you want me, you know how to reach me.

I got all excited this morning when the mail came, because there was a HUGE envelope from NC State. (Those of you who've talked to me recently know how fervently I've been waiting to hear something from State about graduate school.) So my heart rate went up and I thought that this could really be the moment I've waited over a month for. But sadly, it was a University Housing packet for my roommate Kristy, who just got accepted into the Veterinary School program over there. I was very very sad to see it was addressed to her, it really put a damper on my day's mood. And it wasn't like she needed that information anyway, she's living in a townhouse off campus in Raleigh! Boo on her for getting me all worked up over nothing.

I really hope I don't have to wait too much longer for news from State. I don't know how much waiting and stress I can take. Grad school is the one thing I'm waiting on so I can figure out how my life will play out for the next year, and quite possibly the year after that, too. If indeed they take two months before they'll get back to you about grad school, then my two months are almost up (I applied the first of March). Although they did tell me when I called last week that they currently had my application in hand and were reviewing it "as we speak." I hope the Curriculum & Instruction office assistant wasn't snowing me...

In the midst of everything else, it is important to remember to keep going. In the days after yesterday's terrible tragedy at VA Tech, people will try to unite, remember, and rebuild from what has happened. A lot of tough questions have already been asked, and will continue to be asked as authorities uncover more information about what led to the shootings. Perhaps in hearing this information, we will all be able to find a little peace.

I attended the vigil for the victims of the attack last night, and it was a very moving and surreal experience. Several hundred people were in attendance, and it made me happy to see our Carolina community pulling together in support of the Hokie community hundreds of miles away. It's good to know that distance nor rivalries keep us from all being human. The sight of a couple hundred candles shining in the night, illuminating somber faces deep in thought and prayer, was definitely one that gave me chills. My brother said that he felt the same way attending a similar vigil at NC State last night; it was an experience he would never forget. The only thing that upsets me is the fact that there have to be vigils for one thing or another; it just reminds me that bad things still happen in the world, and to innocent people who are undeserving of it. If we could go through life without having to plan vigils for rememberance of a tragedy or funerals for those tragically taken from us, then I know we would all be a lot happier.

I am angry at those who are turning the VA Tech tragedy into a political debate over gun rights and which candidates are the ones ideal enough to stop this from happening again. I think no matter what laws we do or don't pass, there are still going to be people out there that will do just what the gunman did at VA Tech Monday: hurt and kill innocent people. Underneath every slice of blame that people lay on an issue is the fact that people do this to each other, without any help from politics. Ever since Cain first took up his hand against Abel and killed him, there has been violence existing in the world, and it will very likely be the end of our humanity as we know it. I don't really see any way that we'll get people to stop fighting against each other, killing each other, and hating each other--unless perhaps we just removed that part of everyone's brain to eradicate those violent impulses. I just hope that we can learn from what has happened, as well as grieve and remember those involved, so that they will not have died in vain.

The words of this song from Nickelback say it very well:

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died."

I would like to see that day, perhaps only when it comes time for me to meet my maker.

(I sincerely hope that the power will be on at my apartment later today, I'm tired of having to mooch off of my friends so that I can have light, heat, and warm showers! Come on Duke Energy...)

Grieving for Virginia Tech

The tragedy at Virginia Tech yesterday has been weighing heavily on my mind since I first heard about it. The power was off in our apartment, so I didn't even hear the news of what was going on until I set foot in the Student Stores on campus and saw a huge crowd of people gathered around the tv in the Ram Shop. I panicked when I saw the news report; I have a friend who was intending on going with his fraternity to Virginia Tech this coming weekend, and the news just made my heart drop into my stomach. I only know one person at VA Tech, my old community director and boss, Matt Grimes. I believe that he is okay, and hope that the campus will be able to recover and heal from this tragedy. Having been to VA Tech to visit the beautiful campus recently, it is hard to imagine that something like this could happen in such a tranquil environment. A friend of mine mused on how she couldn't imagine something like that happening here. We have had our own tragedies here at UNC, with the shooting incident on Franklin St about 10 years ago, and last year's Pit incident, but to have someone infiltrate your campus and senselessly murder 32 students/faculty is something I cannot even fathom. Nor can I imagine how everyone at VA Tech is dealing with this. I pray that they will find peace in the coming days and weeks, and that as a community they will heal and go forward. For the families and friends of the victims, I pray for peace to heal your hearts. Know that you are not alone in your grief and suffering--all of the rest of us are grieving and remembering with you. This is the time where we put aside our "college rivalries" and embrace the knowledge that today, we are all Hokies.

I hate playing the waiting game, always waiting to hear what's going on...I've never been one for patience; my mom says I was impatient from the get-go, since I arrived a week early. But it's especially hard to be patient when you're waiting for important information that could make or break the next 6-12 months of your life...sigh.