This blog of mine has become quite the conglomeration of random things lately...much like my random thought process operates...and I want to bring back some of the things that I liked about writing in this...like poetry/prose. I was in quite the poetry-writing mood/mode all this past week, so I got a few things at least that I could consider "good enough" to share with you all. (I only say "good enough" since I know everyone has their own interpretation of what "good" poetry is.)


Inner Cogs

It used to bother me
that I couldn't figure you out;
even as my best friend,
I never knew what made you tick.

I thought I could read people,
see through to the heart
of the darkest despairing souls
and pull forth the good.
Even you had refused to see.

You made me question my ability
as myself, your friend
for being who I am,
every day I question myself,
thinking I'm not yet complete.

And no matter what I do
I still can't grasp your approval.
Although you'd tell me
I didn't need it anyway.

It's interesting, weird, and sad how you can go from telling your best friend pretty much anything to not really having anything to talk about at all anymore. It makes me feel a little empty and inadequate above all, but also really gets you wondering about the depth of your friendship.

I have the window open in my room for fresh air, and tonight it poured down rain; it's the best kind of weather because I get horribly inspired to write some good angsty poetry. Or depressing poetry, whatever mood I happen to be in when I get that writing urge. It's funny though, I get in such a good mood about having that writing inspiration, but yet the results of that productivity are far from upbeat.

Here's a tidbit of what I wrote tonight, I will possibly expand the poem later when I gather more ideas...

Time

There was a time when
I could tell you everything
Now those moments are few
and far between
So much I've kept to myself
For fear of hurting feelings
and destroying dreams

I'm going to miss you
when I'm gone
But I will still love you all along.

Ange

Mon petit amour,
for you are but a twinkle in my eye
and there you will remain,
buried deep in my memories.
Mon coeur,
this was not the time for you
perhaps you knew better than I
that the moment wasn't right.
We would have not been ready,
and you deserve more than that.
Mon cher,
I hope you can forgive me
for the mistakes I made;
I didn't know.
Mon dieu,
please don't judge for the past,
I hope you will guide me
to a brighter future.
I pray that I would be stronger
and more prepared, in a different time.

Perhaps we might meet again someday;
two lost souls reunited, mon ange.

Bittersweet

I feel bittersweet
when I think of you.

Memories don't die;
when I cry
tears do nothing
to ease the ache of you.

What do I do?

Can't go back
can't go forward
without worrying that
I'm going to fall again.

When I think of you
my world crashes down around me
once again.

To Know Someone

Have you ever known someone
who touched your life
in a way you never thought possible,
someone who reached
deep into your hard and touched your soul
and it made you cry?
I know someone who has done that.

Have you ever known someone
so wonderful and special that
you wanted to turn back the clock
for more time to spend together,
that you wish each moment you had
with this person would last forever?

Have you ever known someone
so special you wouldn't forget
no matter what,
someone who would leave a giant hole
in your heart if they were gone?

a little bit

i'm not sure how much
i trust myself to make smart decisions
anymore.
i feel like my judgment has been cut off,
my eyes clouded
by my feelings for you.
i'm confused by everything too easily these days
wondering which way is up or down;
i don't want to sink and drown.
i have lost faith in the fact i could
at one point
stick up for myself.
i don't know what happened there.
it feels like everytime i try
to make my point to you,
you're always convincing me to stay.
if you needed me in your life like you say you do
i don't think i can feel it.
i didn't think our being friends
would be that much of an issue,
because it's not for me.
but i remember we've always
cared about different things.
it's hard to see myself without you
because we've been friends for so long
but it's hard to see myself with you,
because lingering in between two worlds
won't last forever.
nor does it keep us happy.
maybe only in my imagination
would we ever want the same thing,
each other.
part of me knows i'm not ready
to say goodbye.
but the other part knows it's about time.
i hope i'm ready
i hope i can
i hope you'd care just a little bit.

I want to share something really awesome with you guys. My friend Mark wrote this beautiful piece, and I felt it was something that is appropriate to many--so enjoy.

In Light of Everything

By Mark Cashin

What you did to me, girl, I will not forget
The pain you caused my heart to feel, is pain I can’t beset
You told me this was real for you; I was your dream guy
Yet, from what happened here, all you gave me were lies

One week ago, I felt as though I had it all
But since then, you pulled away and let me take the fall
You said you loved and cared for me; the best you ever had
So, why are you with a guy who’s nothing but a fad?

I wish that I could turn back time and make you see
That I’m worth so much more than, how you treated me

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

You’re still running through my mind, when you shouldn’t be
I know that moving on would be best for me
I still have a lot of pain from you, that hasn’t gone away
True emotions from your heart, you did not convey

How could you say you love me, with the truth on your mind?
After first falling in love, what can I do for the next time?

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

What is wrong with you, what was wrong with me?
The signs where obvious; why could I not see
That I would never give to you the one thing couples need
But did it have to be this way, with having to hurt me?

I opened up my heart to you, and in ‘us’ I did believe
Just when love set in, you decided to leave
Why did you let me go? I guess I’ll never know,
What caused your heart to change your mind?
Regardless of the reasons, broken hearts heal with time
And through my faith, strength and peace I’ll find

Blessing

Blessing

I never meant for things to be this way,
Never wanted things to be this bad;
Always thought we'd take on everything
Side by side, my beloved friend.
So close to my heart you've always been;
So large a hole I'll have when you're gone--
One no one else can fill quite like you do.
All the memories, the pictures on the walls,
The good times I'll keep with me till the end;
They remind me of the days I miss most.
I'll try to forget the tears I cried,
The pain that you and I gave each other,
And the mistakes that were made
Somewhere along the way.
Even through all my anger and frustration
I hope you always knew that I cared for you,
Wanting nothing but the best and happiness.
I hope you find it someday, if you haven't already begun.
Thank you for blessing me with your smile,
The gift of your friendship, your laughter and spirit, and
Your positive presence in my life every day.
Anyone who has the privilege of being your friend
Has the best blessing of all.
So please, don't think badly of me leaving,
It's something for my own good, a way of keeping the peace
In something I treasure most of all,
And something I don't want to leave in ruins.
I'll hug you tight one last time and try not to cry,
Praying that you'll find your way; you can do it without me.
I won't interfere with what you want to do...
I'll just step back and watch from a distance, with a smile
Like you would want me to do--to be happy, too.
Just keep going, you know I love you still.

Emotion/Reaction

Breathless. Speechless.
Your friendship left me
on the edge
and now I'm falling
into the darkness of your absence.

Happy. Excited.
You gave me so much
I could cry;
lifted my heart so many times.

Tearful. Upset.
So many times you don't know about
I spent crying because
I was so confused;
sometimes I felt used.

Angry. Uncertain.
I rarely know what's going on,
feels like everything's
gone to hell,
and I've gone with it.

Empty. Hollow-out.
Sad that there seems to be
nothing left
of something so great and healthy.

I miss the power and beauty
of your friendship.

If I

Maybe if I
could forget you
I could forget my pain ever happened.
If I can pretend like
I don't need you anymore
it won't hurt so bad
to watch you move on.
If I can lie to myself
thinking that it will all be okay
maybe I can stop hurting
and start healing.
If I could convince myself
I'm better without you
and without us
I'll realize we weren't meant to be together.
If you could let me go
as I wish I could with you
we could find a place
where we don't hurt each other
as much as we do.
If I could do these things
I would
just for some peace of mind,
peace of soul, to still my aching heart
maybe I could be freed.

oh beautiful

i'm sorry i couldn't tell you soon enough
that i was walking away,
saying goodbye, wiping away the tears
of this thing gone wrong.
i wish you could have known how i felt,
how i really felt...
the words i say are full of love and warmth--
they clash with empty space in time.
i hope you know that all i ever wanted
for you was happiness
at the sake of my own, i didn't care too much...
perhaps one day your smile would really be for me
rather than through me.
i idly waited for a free moment in your life
when you weren't distracted
or complicated,
hoping that your mistakes would show you
who really cared, who would always be there.
i can't compete with whatever else is out there.
nor can i spend much more time wondering
when the next time will be
that you might hurt my feelings, break my heart, make me cry...
you cause me so many sleepless nights
through pain and dreams unfinished, waking up in a sweat,
thinking the end had really come to find me.
i can't bear this memory anymore.
nor can i live to tell the tale
to someone to give me empty advice,
while not really knowing what is really going on;
how our friendship became so intertwined and almost frightening at times--
beautiful and delicate all the same.
you are the last person i would want to hurt in this world;
beautiful soul, my friend, my better half, my partner in crime,
my listening ear, everything you are to me...please don't cry.

work in progress...

Losing Her

She would have been beautiful today;
her hair smooth and straight under a stiff blue mortarboard,
the tassel swinging dangerously with every turn of her head.
The color of her robes like the deep sapphire of the sky,
bringing out the green in her eyes.
Her Sunday best starched and crisp, ironed with perfect creases.
She would have been successful today;
a diploma in the mail, a degree in hand,
ready to take on the world with mind and heart, drive and passion.
No one realized the stress, the pressure of being perfect,
how it was too much, too fast...
it drove her to tears
trying to comprehend failure.
But she knew it. Regretfully so.
No one could understand how she felt in this moment,
standing on the edge of oblivion,
contemplating her next action
and where it would take her.
Behind her eyes lay pain, disappointment, fear,
exhaustion with all the world around her.
She didn't know how to handle it anymore.
She didn't know if when she woke up tomorrow, it would tolerable anymore.
She prayed it would, prayed that the love she gave would be returned;
but yet always felt empty-handed, empty-hearted,
left out in the cold by the ones she thought cared.
Even her real friends didn't understand, didn't see the signs
of a friend in trouble. Either that or they were too afraid themselves.
So she waited, for an opportunity to show herself
in one sure act, so that everyone would know, no doubt...
what it was that led her to this day.
They were losing her.

Almost too late to make amends.
Better hurry to reach out and touch someone who needs it,
before we fade from memory, on tragedy after another.
Count the silences and the tears that fall between you and I--you'll have your answer.

Too Late

Funny thing is
we don't see clearly
until it's too late,
staring and staring
until we're blind,
stunned by the truth.
We spend so much of our time
trying
to figure out the why's
that we forget to look inside ourselves...
we forget to think.
We forget how to feel, can't recall
what it was like
to really find yourself so inside a passion
--or pain--
and so we are all lost.
Some just find the end of the path sooner than others.
Sometimes we don't see clearly
until we are blind,
then it's too late.

In Spirit

Don't cry in the times
you think of me,
Smile because of the memories.
You are loved, and so missed.
Please remember I am happy
in the place I find myself now,
at peace with everything
that has burdened me down.
Know that your heart
can heal
and time smoothes over
all wounds.
In this moment,
be happy and enjoy life.
That is all that can be asked of you.
I am always here,
even if not within reach...but in spirit.

"september"

fresh-cut wild onions
hit my nose as soon
as my feet hit the porch
the screen door comes back
to catch me
before i put my jacket on.
leaves crumble beneath my flip-flops
as i trudge
to the bus stop,
soon my toes will be begging
for socks
and sensible shoes,
the ends of my pants
rolled further and further
down
until their distressed ends
sweep like little brooms
across the ground.
the onions are brisk,
woody,
and spicy.
the leaves smell like dust--
when i kick them up,
i sneeze, out of habit.
the dirt outside my apartment
has been freshly tilled;
brown and golden,
clay and earth.
it doesn't yet smell like death.

"in secret"

And I will hide
in the darkest corners
in the shadows where you can't find me.
And I will watch
enviously
as you live and breathe
in the sunlight.
Let me close my eyes against the bright,
pack up my things, store these feelings
in boxes,
let me stow away the memories.
I want to be somewhere so far away
in a place where
you can't touch me,
nor find me with your prying eyes.
I am no longer your inconvenience
nor your easy answer...convenience...
to the desires in your head.
I know you see right through me
(but) never really seeing instead,
you see something I can never hope to be.
My breath wasted, my time running thin,
I don't know why I'm taking space here...
I should be somewhere, just not here.

the things we do to ourselves

tell me where we went wrong
tell me why i miss you so
and where did you go?

the clouds are coming in
the rain starts to fall
and with it goes my smile.

tell me why we fell apart
tell me how we failed ourselves
how did we make this?

every time i think maybe
this could be the time you let me in
i run into your mirrors once again

tell me why the smoke and games
tell me who's got the blame
for what we do to each other

something brighter has caught your eye
that's the only reason i can see
that explains the way we're acting

tell me why we grow up
tell me how we've grown apart
we can't see eye-to-eye anymore

i wanted to be there for you
and to have you here for me
but all that's here is emptiness (where you stood).

how to break up with your best friend

"Make new friends. Keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Surely everyone has heard that song before, maybe even sung it at camp or whatnot. But as I recall those words, their meaning sadly reflects onto the current situation.

I don't know how well I can put into words what I wanted to express here...this is the only way I know how...


For You

I am sad
that this is how life goes
when we grow up,
we grow apart from the things
that we used to know.
I am sorry for what happened
that changed everything,
even though
I am not sure what that was.
You should know I miss you
and the way we were
when our friendship began.
I don't know where or when things went wrong,
I just remember the times we fought
and the times you made me smile.
You showed me so much,
blessed me with your wisdom,
and gave me so much comfort when I cried
and when I hurt, even if it might have been over you.
Thank you for being there for me
even when everyone else walked away
and let me down.
I hope that you find
what you're looking for,
maybe a truer friend than I could ever be...
I'll never know.
So I wish you
goodbye, good luck, I send my love.

a little early morning thinking...

oh i wish you knew how i really felt
and i wish you saw the way i like you
i wish you knew how much i need you
but you might never ever get to know
i can't tell you why
i can't explain the feelings
i get when you're around
my words are all tied up in infatuation
i get so scared thinking you will never
understand these emotions
and you'll think i'm just crazy,
or never talk to me again.
you make me feel alive
every time you touch me
you make me feel like i'm myself again
and all you do is smile and i'm
falling over myself again
i've missed so much for so long
i can't tell you how happy it makes me
that you're honestly true.