politically confused?

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal or Conservative are you?

music as it is in my life (this is interesting)

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs?: 1135 (this is part of why my laptop doesn't run well anymore!)

Sort by artist
First artist: 112
Last artist: Zero 7

Sort by song name
First: "0% Interest" by Jason Mraz
Last: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time
Shortest Song: "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today" from the Avenue Q soundtrack
Longest Song: Michael Jackson medley by the UNC Clefhangers

First Album: #1's by Mariah Carey
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You by Matchbox Twenty
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Here I Am to Worship" by PLUS ONE

How many songs come up when you search for "sex": 3
How many songs come up when you search for "death": 43 (i have a lot of deathcab for cutie, that's why)
How many songs come up when you search for "love": 55 (yep, definitely a romantic)
How many songs come up when you search for "you": 165 (you is a very popular word in songs apparently)
How many songs come up when you search for "why": 2
How many songs come up when you search for "God": 8 (funny, i thought it would be more with my huge selection of Christian music)
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy": 11

rainy days

rainy days are good for naps. right now i wish i could take one. but i have to stay awake for another 50 minutes so i can check out residents here in ehaus south. i've been here for 5 hours and only checked out 5 residents...so not too terribly exciting.

rainy days also make me sad and nostalgic. i wake up in the morning to the sound of rain falling on the balcony outside and i just have to lie there and think for a while. i used to think it was so beautiful, the way it washed all the dirt and such away and made everything cleaner, but now the rain holds so much deeper, more painful meaning. just like i'm foreboding when the air gets cool again in the fall and the moon comes out full and big as a dinnerplate. those nights will haunt me now as well. i can't watch a carolina baseball game without thinking of the night we snuck into the stadium and it was almost a full moon there. the memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will make me smile with the tenderness and excitement of the moment, but then in their absence, i'll remember i don't have those moments now. i'll think of you with both a smile on my face but tears in my eyes because only you have managed to touch my heart that way. i love you, i can't deny that, as much as i've tried to ignore the feeling or forget it...i try to hide it with little success. and now that you're leaving i wonder if it will make it easier to forget, which in itself is a dangerous thing. you're one i can't forget, leaving such a impressionable mark on my heart. to do without you in my life would be painful. i just don't know how the future will play out for you, for me, for us (if a possibility)...

but if i have to wait 3/4 years to be able to see you again and see how you feel...i don't give a damn what else happens in the meantime. i might be sad, and i might complain, but i just gotta wait and see...i can't give up on that possibility...i'm sorry. there's just something in the way that i feel about you that won't let me let it go that easily. perhaps there's a greater reason for that that neither you or i understand. we just need to wait and see...promise me you'll try to see that.

i do love you--very much. and i can't describe how much i will miss you once you've gone and you're not within 15 min reach. i don't know how things will be without you and i being close. i just hope it matters.

the beginning of the end

and so it goes...i title this post thusly because i realize that within a few days, everything will be very different in my life. not just because i'm not graduating (or at least i think i won't be doing so on time), but because a lot of people i know are going to be graduating and leaving chapel hill. forever. i hate to think of how things are going to be different. and somehow a few people aren't realizing the full implication of it all, no matter how much i try to explain it.

b--i can't even begin to say how much i will miss you. right now i can't even imagine what i will do without you in my life. i love you so much hon, and it pains me to have to say goodbye. so i won't. this is only until i see you again.

m--hey you, you should know that things will never be the same for us, no matter how things wind up this summer/next year. our friendship (as we know it) is forever altered. i wish that it didn't have to be so complicated, but i know that circumstances aren't really going to allow for that. my feeling is that with us, i might have to say goodbye, as much as i don't want that to happen...but i feel something terrible brewing...

for all the girls I know

-To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky.
-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.
-To every girl who will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for him.
-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the "other" girl instead.
-To every girl who would die to have a decent boyfriend.
-To every girl who won't settle for the jerk.
-To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.
-To every girl who cries at night because of another heartbreak.
-To every girl who won't get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.
-To every girl who just wants to hold hands.
-To every girl who kisses him with meaning.
-To every girl who just wishes he cared.
-To every girl who would just once want a guy to give his jacket up when she is cold.
-To every girl who just wants him to call.
-To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.
-To every girl who just wants to cuddle.
-To every girl who just wants to sleep with him, without having sex.
-To every girl who is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times or so badly.
-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
-To every girl who thought maybe he could be the one.
-To every girl who believes in her dreams.
-To every girl who would do anything so she could achieve those dreams.
-To every girl who laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.
-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.
-To every girl who has been cheated on because she's not a whore who gives it up to any guy.
-To every girl who doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.
-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.
-To every girl who fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.
-To every girl who gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.
THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

i think i've been sufficiently numbed to disappointment. sad to say, but it happens, you know?

life has been a series of disappointments for me lately, one thing after another. it's been running like that since december. and now i just sit and take it.

in the beginning i cried a lot. and i protested it, every little change and thing i didn't like. but that doesn't get you anywhere, so i realized. i've since stopped that method and gone on to the silent acceptance that life will continue having its way with me and there's nothing i can do about it. i cry occasionally when things become too much. i think i've cried twice in the past 2 weeks, sort of related to the same thing. before then it was about something else. and i know that there is probably more to come as the semester goes on...

i feel like i'm just letting go to different parts of my life. so as it should be?

i can't do anything with brian right now, time will only tell with that. and i'm ruining matt's life just trying to be his friend, interfering in all his business just because i think i can be that age once again and do everything over. i realize now how much i would have done differently in the past 3 years. i just need to let him be him and have his fun and figure out what he wants and stop trying to insert myself somewhere in there. i guess if that means just not talking to him anymore and not being friends then that's what will have to happen.

i hate life right now.

gosh, i've had so much going on lately. my life is in shambles i swear. i'm worn down and worn out, i don't know what to do. so many issues with school and life and guys, i can't make heads or tails of it. and i can't shake this cold, it's been bothering me for forever. i struggle to make it to class in the morning cause all i really want to do is sleep. i feel so LAZY! gah! i'm wondering sometimes if it's more than laziness though.

i stopped talking to brian. or at least i'm trying to. the effort keeps getting ruined by the fact that i can't avoid running into him some places, some times. but i decided i am not going back to pcm because i just can't do it anymore. i tried, and i don't feel welcome. and i don't feel like we're friends. there was this period of time during doing the show that i was so busy i didn't have time to think about him, but now that i'm done with the show, everything's come back to me full force. it hit on thursday like a ton of bricks. and it hurt, so much to the point that i cried on the p2p on the way home.

it's not just things with him that are bothering me. it's things with matt that are bothering me too.

as much as i try to tell him that things are bothering me and what exactly is going on, i feel like the subject in question is constantly avoided. it upsets me how i feel. i shouldn't feel this way. but i can't stop. what do i do about how i feel?

every now and then i think i'm going to slip up and say the wrong thing.

i'm acting like a child. i'm jealous, so jealous and i shouldn't be.

i feel like our friendship has been ruined and i hate that. so much uncomfortableness and awkwardness and formality! why? i wish things could go back to how they were before, i mean, even before february even got here. just four weeks ago things were OKAY with us, and now so much has happened that four weeks have turned into eternity.

i just want to have a normal conversation, have normal feelings where i don't feel like a jerk for everything.

a return to the ages

i think if maybe i can find time, i'll come back to this eventually, i realized the other day that i need writing again to release all this frustration building up. i need to start writing so i'll know how i feel, even if nobody else will. i miss poetry. and fiction.

relief...

so had a lengthy conversation with brian today. it went well, yes there were tears on my part, but when i care about someone as much as i care about him, i don't really see how there couldn't be tears. i feel much better now about our relationship, having gone over everything i felt insecure (and even partly jealous) about. he told me about his friendship with cat, his feelings for me, & how he really wanted to be with me (although he keeps saying i deserve better). we also discussed how i felt like he was holding back in our relationship, maybe because he was afraid i was going to let him down. i will never let him down. nor will i ever back out on him or let him fall. just as he would do the same for me. he would take care of me no matter what, i realize that now. he wants to take care of me and make sure i'm safe and happy, no matter at what cost. as i want to do the same for him. i realized so many things about us and him and me that puts me at ease. and then going to bible study helped me see a lot, too. there are so many things in our relationship that have yet to come up, especially things with brian's future in the ministry & going through the ordination process. but these are things that we'll discuss when they come. he says he'll never hide anything from me, nor does he want me to hide things from him. and i don't ever want to feel jealous of anything, including his friendship with cat (i don't want him to stop being friends with her, i only wish i could have had a friendship of some kind with jeremy). i'm looking forward to going to his house for thanksgiving and spending time with him and his family. i can't wait to see what it's like.

thinking...

Imagine my hurt and surprise when I found out the other night that my boyfriend still had feelings for his ex. Not only that, but feelings possibly strong enough to the point where he might want to be with her again. I don't know what to say or what I should think but I'll tell you how I've been feeling since then. Like I want to have a nervous breakdown. I sat in Milton class yesterday on the brink of tears while we're discussing "Paradise Lost" because I didn't know what I should do. I cried on the way back from the Cingular store on the bus to south campus because I felt so lost. I've gone around it and over it in my mind dozens of times, but still haven't figured out it all exactly.

It hurts because of how much I care about him. It hurts because I keep thinking that he will might never care about me as much as I care about him because he's still in love with her. He asked me if I still had feelings for my ex, but I can honestly say I don't. Every feeling I have is for him, my boyfriend, he's the one I'm with right now and want to be with for a long time. It's just that now I'm not sure how long "a long time" will be. True, neither one of know what is in our futures or what it is we really want yet to happen in life, but I would like at least a little bit of security. And somehow I don't feel all that secure.

I keep thinking that I can't keep him from what he really wants/needs. I can't pretend that everything is the way it should be if I'm really not what is to be; like I'm a stop on a journey before reaching the final destination. The truth of the matter is, he very well might end up with her and there is nothing I can do about that. But the other thing is that I want to be with him while he figures things out. While we both figure things out; and whether we belong in each other's lives. It wouldn't be right of me to care about him and us if I didn't want to stay here and love him, care about him, be there for him. And in the process of figuring things out, he could very well realize the one he truly wants to be with is her, his ex. I don't know what I would do at that point if that were the case. It all depends on how emotionally involved/evolved I am by then. I hope that moment never comes, but then again, I am the eternal optimist. My motto is to try to live life one day at a time, never really stressing too much about the future. Trying to live by that... Right now I'm just a little uneasy/uncertain because of what he's told me. I suppose it's okay to feel uncertain, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to feel lost. What do I do?