all smiles on campus

part of what i love about carolina is the friendliness of the student body...people who visit our campus are often taken aback by the warm openess that accompanies every carolina student, from offering directions around campus to engaging in long conversations with potential students in their spare time. call it southern hospitality.

that friendliness has been demonstrated to me so many times today, in friends and strangers alike...

the pit i love especially, for the fact that everybody goes there to meet up with friends before meals, club meetings, or just to hang out. all around me today were people chattering about their summers, classes, exchanging smiles and hugs in greeting to those they hadn't likely seen since last may. i love people watching, not in the stalkerish kind of way, but just because that's my natural writer's instinct kicking in...i enjoy being able to see how people interact.

today i had the pleasure of eating breakfast with a good friend of mine, a surprise of meeting another friend in the pit (one whom i had not seen in ages), lunch with yet another friend, and then meeting two very nice guys tonight at dinner (all of us formerly complete strangers who shared a table at ramshead because of the dinner rush). now if only everybody outside of this little bubble of chapel hill could extend the same courtesies as i have been privy to today, i do believe things would be a lot better off.

most of all...yay for a surprise visit from a special person of mine i miss very much...you have no idea how much this meant to me! :-D

favorite song of the moment

this is such a thought-provoking song, pretty much everytime i hear it, i have to stop and listen to it just because it's so emotion-evoking...

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

ever felt like a piece of trash?

i've come to the realization that most of the trouble in my life stems from me saying too much of what i feel, or not saying enough when the time calls for it, just because i'm too nice to do otherwise...

people tell me all the time that i'm the nicest, most sincere person they know. but if they only knew how my sincerity comes back to taunt me on a regular basis, they would tell me that i'm probably stupid for being as nice as i have been so many times before. it's equivalent to being stepped on and ignored many times over, and as a result, i am left to "clean up" messes and nurse my wounded feelings. i know there's probably other people who can attest to feeling the same way, if only at least PART of the time. really, it's just a matter of the fact i feel i wouldn't be a good friend if i finally just put my foot down about something...totally the wrong idea, i know. and i realize that perhaps i'm not being the best friend when i secretly wish that things don't work out for some people...

change? why change?

why do people have to change so drastically? i hate that we try to change ourselves to fit the mold of people that we want to be like or be with, just because we think it will make ourselves more easily accepted...but in the process, we're not only losing ourselves as original individuals, we're losing all of those who liked us being original.

i also dislike when we shove aside our old friends to make room to hang out with people that couldn't less about us, just because they're there and convenient. how can you be okay with being used, much less willingly admit it to other people?

friendship shouldn't be about having to "schedule" a time to hang out, weeks in advance...whatever happened to spontaneity in life? the freedom to just call up a friend and get together? oh, but when you are so involved in yourself and your personal gains (sometimes at the pain of others) that you can't realize there's a world out there that wants to know you, then i can't blame you for being self-centered.

but hey, your old friends are still here, still deserving of respect and attention, even if we don't fit in the "flavor of the month" club.

and just because you can only think in one direction, doesn't mean you have to take that direction...there are other options you know.

maybe "not right now" really means "not right now"...don't push the issue.

but i know you're too stubborn to admit when you're wrong or when others are right...your pride keeps you from being humble...and makes the rest of us even more pissed off when you can't understand why we're upset in the first place. if i'm telling you something's wrong, something is wrong, i don't care if you don't think it's a BIG thing...something's wrong, dammit, so listen and stop being stubborn about it.

back to school update

well, the second day of fall semester 2006 has run its course for me...only had one class today, intro to jazz music. it seems good, i'm hoping that i will learn a lot from it, and actually get a liking/appreciation for it by the end of the semester...jazz isn't really my thing, but i'm willing to give it a try, considering. i think it was matt's doing, introducing me to the wonders of michael buble last year, along with dci, and a little bit of jazz through his love of the genre, and also his sax playing. i miss matt playing for me, i hope maybe he'll do it again sometime.

speaking of matt, i wonder if i really do have the ability to predict the future and have it come true...? all those predictions i made last semester, about this year, slowly coming true...sadly.

i want to meditate more on that later...now for errands...so much to do!

heather's life soundtrack

Open whatever program stores your music, hit shuffle, then list the songs in the order they appear down the list. No cheating!

Opening credit: Comedown [UNC Clefhangers]
Waking up: Bad Idea [Ben Folds]
Average day: Gone Going [Black Eyed Peas feat. Jack Johnson]
First Date: Virginia, No One Can Warn You [Tift Merritt]
Falling in love: Killing Me Softly [Lauren Hill & the Fugees]
Fight scene: Die Without You [UNC Clefhangers]
Breaking up: Gravity [Embrace]
Getting back together: Everything's Alright [Jesus Christ Superstar]
Secret love: 21st Century Kid [Jamie Cullum]
Life's okay: Ridin' Dirty [Paul Wall]
Mental breakdown: No Good Deed [Wicked]
Driving: Young America [Jump Little Children]
Learning a lesson: When Will You Come Back Home [Ryan Adams & the Cardinals]
Deep thought: Come Together [Third Day]
Flashback: F*ck It (I Don't Want You Back) [Eamon]
Partying: Out of My Mind [John Mayer Trio]
Happy dance: What A Difference A Day Made [Jamie Cullum]
Regretting: Take Me or Leave Me [Rent]
Long night alone: On Your Wings [Iron & Wine]
Death scene: Bastard [Ben Folds]

politically confused?

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal or Conservative are you?

music as it is in my life (this is interesting)

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs?: 1135 (this is part of why my laptop doesn't run well anymore!)

Sort by artist
First artist: 112
Last artist: Zero 7

Sort by song name
First: "0% Interest" by Jason Mraz
Last: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time
Shortest Song: "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today" from the Avenue Q soundtrack
Longest Song: Michael Jackson medley by the UNC Clefhangers

First Album: #1's by Mariah Carey
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You by Matchbox Twenty
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Here I Am to Worship" by PLUS ONE

How many songs come up when you search for "sex": 3
How many songs come up when you search for "death": 43 (i have a lot of deathcab for cutie, that's why)
How many songs come up when you search for "love": 55 (yep, definitely a romantic)
How many songs come up when you search for "you": 165 (you is a very popular word in songs apparently)
How many songs come up when you search for "why": 2
How many songs come up when you search for "God": 8 (funny, i thought it would be more with my huge selection of Christian music)
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy": 11

rainy days

rainy days are good for naps. right now i wish i could take one. but i have to stay awake for another 50 minutes so i can check out residents here in ehaus south. i've been here for 5 hours and only checked out 5 residents...so not too terribly exciting.

rainy days also make me sad and nostalgic. i wake up in the morning to the sound of rain falling on the balcony outside and i just have to lie there and think for a while. i used to think it was so beautiful, the way it washed all the dirt and such away and made everything cleaner, but now the rain holds so much deeper, more painful meaning. just like i'm foreboding when the air gets cool again in the fall and the moon comes out full and big as a dinnerplate. those nights will haunt me now as well. i can't watch a carolina baseball game without thinking of the night we snuck into the stadium and it was almost a full moon there. the memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will make me smile with the tenderness and excitement of the moment, but then in their absence, i'll remember i don't have those moments now. i'll think of you with both a smile on my face but tears in my eyes because only you have managed to touch my heart that way. i love you, i can't deny that, as much as i've tried to ignore the feeling or forget it...i try to hide it with little success. and now that you're leaving i wonder if it will make it easier to forget, which in itself is a dangerous thing. you're one i can't forget, leaving such a impressionable mark on my heart. to do without you in my life would be painful. i just don't know how the future will play out for you, for me, for us (if a possibility)...

but if i have to wait 3/4 years to be able to see you again and see how you feel...i don't give a damn what else happens in the meantime. i might be sad, and i might complain, but i just gotta wait and see...i can't give up on that possibility...i'm sorry. there's just something in the way that i feel about you that won't let me let it go that easily. perhaps there's a greater reason for that that neither you or i understand. we just need to wait and see...promise me you'll try to see that.

i do love you--very much. and i can't describe how much i will miss you once you've gone and you're not within 15 min reach. i don't know how things will be without you and i being close. i just hope it matters.

the beginning of the end

and so it goes...i title this post thusly because i realize that within a few days, everything will be very different in my life. not just because i'm not graduating (or at least i think i won't be doing so on time), but because a lot of people i know are going to be graduating and leaving chapel hill. forever. i hate to think of how things are going to be different. and somehow a few people aren't realizing the full implication of it all, no matter how much i try to explain it.

b--i can't even begin to say how much i will miss you. right now i can't even imagine what i will do without you in my life. i love you so much hon, and it pains me to have to say goodbye. so i won't. this is only until i see you again.

m--hey you, you should know that things will never be the same for us, no matter how things wind up this summer/next year. our friendship (as we know it) is forever altered. i wish that it didn't have to be so complicated, but i know that circumstances aren't really going to allow for that. my feeling is that with us, i might have to say goodbye, as much as i don't want that to happen...but i feel something terrible brewing...