things are falling

the weather today makes me happy to realize that fall is certainly coming to chapel hill once again. the official start of autumn is saturday, but i don't mind if the weather responds in kind sooner than that! of course, this is also the time of year when i tend to become more nostalgic than the other 3/4 of the year...only a few know why.

on another note, this whole friendship situation is very near about to implode...but he doesn't seem to realize it yet.

the things we do to ourselves

tell me where we went wrong
tell me why i miss you so
and where did you go?

the clouds are coming in
the rain starts to fall
and with it goes my smile.

tell me why we fell apart
tell me how we failed ourselves
how did we make this?

every time i think maybe
this could be the time you let me in
i run into your mirrors once again

tell me why the smoke and games
tell me who's got the blame
for what we do to each other

something brighter has caught your eye
that's the only reason i can see
that explains the way we're acting

tell me why we grow up
tell me how we've grown apart
we can't see eye-to-eye anymore

i wanted to be there for you
and to have you here for me
but all that's here is emptiness (where you stood).

the nature of girlfriends

over the past few weeks i have come to realize how much more important girlfriends are in comparison to guys in a gal's life. girlfriends won't think of you only as a sexual object, they won't ditch you to make out with other guys, and they genuinely want to hang out with you and have conversations on a regular basis--especially in-depth ones about serious topics!

i do realize though that for the longest time, i seemed to be acruing more guy friends than girl friends, just because i found it easier to talk to guys and get along with them...i guess that came from growing up with my little brother. and being in serious relationships with guys for extended periods of time meant i had that built-in guy friend i could talk to about anything. but once i wasn't in a relationship anymore, i found i still needed a guy friend (one that could be a really good one i hoped) because i enjoyed having that perspective in my life. i thought i had two really good guy friends i could count on, each with different perspectives on life and with different experiences i shared with them...but as of late, it's like the distance between me and them has grown to be an ocean...i don't feel like we connect anymore, sadly.

but i am most greatful to megan for this past weekend and reaffirming my need for positive girls in my life, rather than guys who serve no purpose but to upset me. she and i have so many in-depth and insightful conversations, it really helps to just put things in perspective with her. she calls me her personal psychiatrist, but she is also mine!

it's so hard sometimes for us to step outside ourselves and see what we're doing wrong and what can be improved...but this weekend, i really got that chance to see how i fit in with the rest of the people i surround myself with, and those that i meet through others. i also saw how being in two different worlds affects people and how they act...mainly just a difference between the world of chapel hill versus the world of charlotte...the two are both home to universities, but totally different personas and atmospheres! (to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, "well duh," just humor me.) it's really a shock between the two cultures that exist even with a common group made of college students. unc charlotte exists in like an alternate universe than chapel hill. i guess that's why unc chapel hill attracts certain people and retains them, and why some of those who start at carolina end up going somewhere else (because they don't feel connected to what the school atmosphere is like). connecting to the place you attend school is a major part of actually liking it and being involved in it, it helps you adjust better with that transition between high school and college. i think the people we surround ourselves with are determined greatly by the atmosphere that we embed ourselves in, too. we pick our friends based on the people who can relate the best with us and share in our experiences and the environment they live in.

but having good girl friends really helps you see things a lot clearer, especially in that hazy realm of guys. even when i'm convinced that i can't see around a problem i'm having with one, i've been presented with a solution due to a girl friend having a great idea! girls really do stick together to keep their friends from getting hurt. i appreciate my girlfriends being there for me, to have fun and be silly when i'm sad. :)

how to break up with your best friend

"Make new friends. Keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Surely everyone has heard that song before, maybe even sung it at camp or whatnot. But as I recall those words, their meaning sadly reflects onto the current situation.

I don't know how well I can put into words what I wanted to express here...this is the only way I know how...


For You

I am sad
that this is how life goes
when we grow up,
we grow apart from the things
that we used to know.
I am sorry for what happened
that changed everything,
even though
I am not sure what that was.
You should know I miss you
and the way we were
when our friendship began.
I don't know where or when things went wrong,
I just remember the times we fought
and the times you made me smile.
You showed me so much,
blessed me with your wisdom,
and gave me so much comfort when I cried
and when I hurt, even if it might have been over you.
Thank you for being there for me
even when everyone else walked away
and let me down.
I hope that you find
what you're looking for,
maybe a truer friend than I could ever be...
I'll never know.
So I wish you
goodbye, good luck, I send my love.

if you ever wondered where my parents got their inspiration to name me heather, this is it...heather is a purple flower that grows in scotland...as seen in the picture to the left. now heather refers to a style of fabric coloring, like "heather grey" or "heather red." i guess i can't complain, being named after a flower...the other choice was hildegard...eek!

all smiles on campus

part of what i love about carolina is the friendliness of the student body...people who visit our campus are often taken aback by the warm openess that accompanies every carolina student, from offering directions around campus to engaging in long conversations with potential students in their spare time. call it southern hospitality.

that friendliness has been demonstrated to me so many times today, in friends and strangers alike...

the pit i love especially, for the fact that everybody goes there to meet up with friends before meals, club meetings, or just to hang out. all around me today were people chattering about their summers, classes, exchanging smiles and hugs in greeting to those they hadn't likely seen since last may. i love people watching, not in the stalkerish kind of way, but just because that's my natural writer's instinct kicking in...i enjoy being able to see how people interact.

today i had the pleasure of eating breakfast with a good friend of mine, a surprise of meeting another friend in the pit (one whom i had not seen in ages), lunch with yet another friend, and then meeting two very nice guys tonight at dinner (all of us formerly complete strangers who shared a table at ramshead because of the dinner rush). now if only everybody outside of this little bubble of chapel hill could extend the same courtesies as i have been privy to today, i do believe things would be a lot better off.

most of all...yay for a surprise visit from a special person of mine i miss very much...you have no idea how much this meant to me! :-D

favorite song of the moment

this is such a thought-provoking song, pretty much everytime i hear it, i have to stop and listen to it just because it's so emotion-evoking...

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

ever felt like a piece of trash?

i've come to the realization that most of the trouble in my life stems from me saying too much of what i feel, or not saying enough when the time calls for it, just because i'm too nice to do otherwise...

people tell me all the time that i'm the nicest, most sincere person they know. but if they only knew how my sincerity comes back to taunt me on a regular basis, they would tell me that i'm probably stupid for being as nice as i have been so many times before. it's equivalent to being stepped on and ignored many times over, and as a result, i am left to "clean up" messes and nurse my wounded feelings. i know there's probably other people who can attest to feeling the same way, if only at least PART of the time. really, it's just a matter of the fact i feel i wouldn't be a good friend if i finally just put my foot down about something...totally the wrong idea, i know. and i realize that perhaps i'm not being the best friend when i secretly wish that things don't work out for some people...

change? why change?

why do people have to change so drastically? i hate that we try to change ourselves to fit the mold of people that we want to be like or be with, just because we think it will make ourselves more easily accepted...but in the process, we're not only losing ourselves as original individuals, we're losing all of those who liked us being original.

i also dislike when we shove aside our old friends to make room to hang out with people that couldn't less about us, just because they're there and convenient. how can you be okay with being used, much less willingly admit it to other people?

friendship shouldn't be about having to "schedule" a time to hang out, weeks in advance...whatever happened to spontaneity in life? the freedom to just call up a friend and get together? oh, but when you are so involved in yourself and your personal gains (sometimes at the pain of others) that you can't realize there's a world out there that wants to know you, then i can't blame you for being self-centered.

but hey, your old friends are still here, still deserving of respect and attention, even if we don't fit in the "flavor of the month" club.

and just because you can only think in one direction, doesn't mean you have to take that direction...there are other options you know.

maybe "not right now" really means "not right now"...don't push the issue.

but i know you're too stubborn to admit when you're wrong or when others are right...your pride keeps you from being humble...and makes the rest of us even more pissed off when you can't understand why we're upset in the first place. if i'm telling you something's wrong, something is wrong, i don't care if you don't think it's a BIG thing...something's wrong, dammit, so listen and stop being stubborn about it.

back to school update

well, the second day of fall semester 2006 has run its course for me...only had one class today, intro to jazz music. it seems good, i'm hoping that i will learn a lot from it, and actually get a liking/appreciation for it by the end of the semester...jazz isn't really my thing, but i'm willing to give it a try, considering. i think it was matt's doing, introducing me to the wonders of michael buble last year, along with dci, and a little bit of jazz through his love of the genre, and also his sax playing. i miss matt playing for me, i hope maybe he'll do it again sometime.

speaking of matt, i wonder if i really do have the ability to predict the future and have it come true...? all those predictions i made last semester, about this year, slowly coming true...sadly.

i want to meditate more on that later...now for errands...so much to do!