"Makes Me Wonder"

The new song and video by Maroon 5. Enjoy. :-D

choosing to fight battles

(Note: 8/18/07) A long ago conversation between a female friend & I. I recently uncovered this in my archives.

I'm very heartsick over this whole "Matt has a girlfriend" thing. I thought I was in a lot of pain after Brian broke up with me last year, but this is twice as bad. It's like a friendship and a "relationship" break-up at the same time. Matt seriously broke my heart, and I feel lost because now I don't know where to go from here. I know if I stay I just end up hurting myself more as time goes on and she replaces me as the best friend. He said it would be a long time before that was even a possibility, but I guess a long time wasn't that long after all. And the crazy thing about it is, he's not even happy with the fact that he's in a relationship. He says that it's like he knows she's not the one, but yet he likes her well enough to go out with her. I don't understand his logic well enough...he's wanted a relationship pretty much since the moment Christy broke up with him, went through all that crap with those girls, and now that he has what he's wanted, he's not even excited about it. :-/ I know I need to get out now while I still have some part of me intact (although I don't know what that is). That's the only way I'm going to avoid the pain and agony that's bound to ensue. I'm really upset and crying over the fact that I lost someone I really care about, someone I really love, to someone who he isn't excited about and probably won't appreciate him the way I do. But I realize you can't make people love you, or feel however you want them to. I can't guarantee that he will ever feel that way, even if I were to leave and he could realize what I mean to him. (If anything important at all.) I am also upset with the fact that he passed up something that could have been really awesome, simply because he just didn't feel that way. I don't even know if he could try. But it makes me so sad, all around.

The whole thing reminds me of a song that says "You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall." The fact of the matter is that it takes two people, equally dedicated, to make a relationship work. No matter how hard you try, if he isn't willing to love as hard as you do, it won't work and you are one who ends up hurt. As for this girl, don't worry about her replacing you. She may consume his time and attention, but it is the same thing we talked about with trying to replace Matt. When someone leaves an impression on you, no one will ever fill that role precisely. I don't know how or what Matt feels right now, but I know he has cared about you in the past. I remember the times when Britt was crazy about him but he used to blow her off for you. That is just his style. It hurts like hell now when you are on the other end, but you should never take it as a personal reflection of the type of person you are. The only thing you are guilty of is loving the wrong person and not realizing it until you were in too deep. We all do it at some point. This whole thing just proves that the only way you are going to protect yourself from the pain he inflicts is to push him away. The less you know about his escapades, the better off you are. I guess in some cases it is true, ignorance IS bliss. The pain of a broken heart is the worst pain humans are capable of experiencing, but at the same time, I have learned to be thankful for that pain because at least is proves that we CAN feel. You know how much love to give, and you know you can make someone happy. It hurts like hell because it isn't the person you want it to be, but that is like trying to make a shoe fit that is 3 sizes too small just because you love the way they look. God has a person for you, and it is tough to accept, but it may not be Matt. You have learned a lot of valuable lessons from him that you can be thankful for, and once you see what they are, the pain will heal. You will find someone who appreciates you, and I would be willing to be money, it will be when you least expect it.

Do you think with all of that going on I should try to maintain the friendship and not ask for details, or just give it up because it would be too much? Things make it hard to figure out what would be a better option.
I'm not one to advocate backing down from a challenge, but sometimes we all have to admit defeat. Cut your losses and move on...you are strong enough.
Yeah, I don't think this is a battle I want to fight 'cause I know I won't make any victories in it. I probably won't tell him I'm doing it this time, because then that just gives him the chance to try and convince me I'm wrong for doing it, and I can't take any more of that emotional bungeeing. I know that I can probably deal with this, but I don't know where I'm going to get the strength from, that really sucks. And I hate to try and 'borrow" it from you guys, cause you all have things you have to worry about yourselves.
And by the way, don't let me ever hear you feel guilty again for "borrowing strength" from your friends. That is what they are for. People are not solitary creatures. We are not meant to silently suffer by ourselves. If we cannot lean on each other, we are doomed to fall. If there is not a hand to pick us up, we are destined to lie there.

To be "almost honest"

I changed the title of my blog again, but I think this reflects things more accurately. Plus, that song by Josh Kelley has been perpetually stuck in my head.

I think a lot of times when we talk to people, even the ones we are closest to, we are "almost honest." I know that our friends and family expect us to be completely honest with them about what's going on, but sometimes the littlest bit of yourself needs to be kept to yourself. Otherwise you just have everything hanging out there for people to see, use and abuse, and there's no personal bit of yourself left. I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to people about what I think or what's going on, but I might keep some things to myself that I only really want myself to know. I feel like so many people would look at me differently if they knew what I know, and I don't want that to be the case.

Truth is, there are some things I can never share with the rest of the world. Only a trusted few have been lucky to hear some of the crazy things that have been going on with me, because I know that they understand, and would never share that information with others. (As much as I've been told that I need to talk to some individuals about stuff that would be greatly helpful to know, I just can't bring myself to make those confessions.)

Only God really knows and understands the pain, the weakness, the deepest secrets in my heart. I pray that He will help me through these difficult times.

It seems that there's been no break from difficult moments these past few months...pretty much since the new year started it's been one thing or another; one trial or another to wreak havoc on me. I hope that somewhere in here there is a break; something that will allow me to stand up and dust myself off and maybe to get going again. I know that He's testing me for something yet to come, but He knows that I'm not the strongest person ever...I'm rather fragile emotionally. I don't know how many more tests I can endure, God, I don't want to break again.

I thought I had felt pain before this, but this is twice as bad. It's almost like having a relationship break up and losing a close friendship at the same time, a double whammy to the gut. The pain cuts deeper, I feel more lost, and more haunted by time than before. You care about every person differently; you love each person you fall in love with differently, as well. No one emotion is ever the same in the realm of love. The people you love make certain of that. And there is no trying to love someone new the way you loved in the past--it could never work because you end up trying to make comparisons between the old and the new. (That ends up driving you and the one you care about apart, trying to hold him/her up to expectations that are completely unique to each person in your life.)

Something from the Bible has really jumped out at me during this time. (I've spent more time recently delving into the Bible and finding passages that help me to try and understand what's going on in life these days, and also invested more time in church lately than I have been in the past. It really does help.)

Matthew 16:26: What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

I feel like this helps to reinforce my point that everyone should try to keep a little of himself or herself to themselves at times, and not give out everything that they have, for there is nothing left if they do. By giving up your soul to gain everything that you ever wanted in the world, you are giving up your essence as a person and taking on whatever evils you open yourself up to. In addition, there has to be a limit to how much of yourself you give to people you care about, otherwise you just run the risk of expending yourself to the point of emptiness. (Like I feel now, sadly.) You can only invest so much emotionally (and physically) in your endeavors before you have to step back and call it quits...I am so there now.

Now I can see that I need to move on. This heartbreak will hopefully push me in that direction, so I can get past the hurdle that keeps me here. I will miss you though, for you are so special to me.

This has been a good week for my musical tastes. :-D First I find out that John Mayer is coming to Walnut Creek Ampitheatre in July with Ben Folds, which is AMAZING in itself...I finally get to see Ben Folds and John Mayer (under the same roof)!

Then I find out today that Maroon 5 is FINALLY putting out another CD. Thank goodness...Songs About Jane came out in like 2003ish, so it's been a long time coming. The first single off of the new CD is called "Makes Me Wonder." The CD, entitled It Won't Be Soon Before Long, will be out on May 22nd.

You know how sometimes you discover a musical artist or a group that you really enjoy? And then you just kinda go on a streak of finding all the stuff you can by that person, just because you're eager to explore everything that this artist has to offer.

It's especially good when he or she has a ton of songs that you can listen to and be like "I can identify with what this song is saying, and that's awesome!"

While browsing for songs from Smallville, I came across the song "Cain and Able" by Josh Kelley. This song was featured in episode 8 of this season, entitled "Rage." (If you haven't gotten to see this season, or Smallville in general, I highly recommend it! I just only got into the show last year, and have since then caught up on all the seasons.)

But after hearing this song, I went on a search to see what else Josh Kelley had done. And so I came across a song called "Amazing," which I recognized as a radio hit that had been released a few years ago. In addition, I found "Almost Honest," which is quite an emotionally charged song, dealing with honesty in relationships. Of course, it doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships, it also goes for your friendships as well. The lyrics I will post below, and I hope you get the chance to listen to this song. (I am working on trying to get it uploaded somewhere so you can hear it.) Enjoy.

"Almost Honest"
So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl
She's easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I lay with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

A sad time at UNC

The atmosphere of the campus at the moment is so somber.

Beneath Carolina blue skies, the UNC community mourns the loss of Jason Ray, one of the lucky few who got to portray Rameses at Carolina sporting events. I never knew him personally, but he did touch all of our lives just by being Rameses and by loving Carolina so much. It always saddens me to hear about the deaths of young people with so much potential in life, because I ache for those lives cut short. I really wanted for Jason to be able to experience graduation from UNC, and to go on and enjoy all of the things that he had going for him. Sadly, things like this do happen to good people, and all we can do is grieve, remember, and go on with our memories to guide us in our lives.

This is a very touching story from Tarheelblue.com, the official athletics website of Carolina.

And this is the rewritten text of a poem that expresses Jason's importance to the University. The original author is unknown.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the grass beneath the cleats;
I am the court beneath the feet.

I am the walls of the beloved Dome
Which I so proudly called my home.

I am in the crowd's passionate cheers,
which cannot be dampened by human tears.

I will always be around in spirit.
Listen for my voice, and you will hear it.

When you think of UNC,
That is where I will always be.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
for I am not there,
I did not die."

I don't think I know what to say anymore. My heart, my brain, my soul; all are spent. I sit here with tears in my eyes; tears comprised of anger, sadness, and frustration. I write this as a broken soul, falling to my knees before you all and Him, knowing that I have nothing left to give for everything I had is gone. All of my energy, all of the love and affection, and all of my self has been given out and I have nothing left to keep me going. What can I do now? Even with all of my friends' help, it will be hard to replenish what is lost.

God, I am here before you as a broken soul, please heal my heart and ease my suffering.

This comes from my friend Danielle's blog, but I wanted to cross-post it so that maybe more people would get the chance to read it, because it's really relevant and important for people to read!

After spending a lot of time with Heather lately, I have come to a lot of realizations about the things in this world people do that I just can't stand. There are people in my life these days that never cease to disappoint me, and it shouldn't be that way. My new resolve, and Heather's I think as well, is to rid ourselves of these people and learn to move on and appreciate the people that never let me down. Among the things I can no longer allow myself to tolerate:

1. Not doing what you say you are going to do. For example, if you say you are going to call, call! It takes two seconds to follow up on a verbal promise like that. For instance, if you say you are going to call because you want to hang out, at least give the person the courtesy of calling even if you don't have time at that moment to hang out. I see myself and others spending time hanging on the verbal promises people make, and then we are constantly disappointed by people that never follow through. Don't say it if you don't mean it.

2. Lying. I heard someone say once that a lie by omission is still a lie and I believe that. Now, lets be realistic...sometimes its not always possible to be truthful. However, friends are the people you should never lie to. Sometimes we don't always tell our family the truth because it is necessary to be able to live your own life without too much prying. Friends do not pry unnecessarily and they should never judge. Friends deserve the whole truth because friends are the ones who chose to stick around and support you. I can't think of anything I would ever conceal from Heather, because as friends, I trust her. I can confide in her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Even if I did something I thought she wouldn't like, I would tell her. Without honesty, there is no way to confront problems and move on. In essence, I have nothing to hide from her so I don't have to worry. Other people aren't as honest, and thus, the trust is gone. I can't be friends with someone I can't trust.

3. Taking people for granted. Friends chose to be your friend. They are people and they have feelings. If you take them for granted, it is only a matter of time before they wise up and leave your sorry butt in the dust. A friend will last so long as you make the effort to cultivate the relationship. When you begin to assume that they will always be there, no matter what, is just when they may decide to pack up and leave. A friendship is a relationship and it has to be a two-way street. If one person carries the burden of always having the be the one that gives and makes the effort, they will inevitably grow weary of it.

4. Using people for personal gain. I could name names (but I won't), but there are people in this world that only ever contact you when they want something. Maybe they want a favor, or they want to be invited to a party or such. They don't call to see just how you or doing and they don't call when they know you are down and need a friend. That's not a friend, that's a user. I don't have time for people like that and I am tired of seeing people do it to my friends. It's just plain selfish.

5. Pettiness. I am 20 years old, I know I have a lot to learn and I know that. It amazes me though when I am surrounded by peers who can still act like they are in high school and not feel any moral inclination to grow up. They still obsess over the "me, me, me" mentality. They are too concerned with what makes them happy to consider the consequences it may have on others. Now, I am not advocating living your life only to please others. That is certainly a futile practice. But when you chose to lie, use, or take someone for granted just because it makes you happy, that makes you a pretty low person. It is a sad existence when you get your kicks from hurting others. Those are certainly not friends.

With all of this said, can you think of something you have said you would do that you didn't make an effort to follow up on? Did you lie to a friend or keep something from them? Even if not, take the chance to let your closest friends know how much you care about them and why. Friends need affirmation just like a spouse or significant other. It is not enough to say you care, but your friends should know why. A friend should never feel like their good efforts go unnotived or unappreciated. Friends bring so much happiness, and only ask for a small committment in return. Friends aren't like like spouses where there is a ceremony and a legal document to solidify the relationship. Friends will stick around, but all they need is a little appreciation and they will be there through thick and thin.

I love having insightful friends. They provide me with gems of knowledge and wisdom that either make me laugh, make me cry, or make me think. And on a night like tonight, when good friendship was in high demand, it made me happy that I could talk to each of my insightful pals and gather their perspectives on things.

One of tonight's insightful, deep thoughts (not verbatim, sorry!) : "I know how hard it would be to completely remove him from your life, because then there would be a huge hole that would be hard to fill. No matter how much we tried, we know that we can't fill that hole completely because of the way you care about him. Although you obviously care about all of your friends, there is something different in the way you care about him versus someone else."

True indeed. I care very much about all of my friends, and I would hope that they would do the same. And of course, I know I care about him in a much different way than I care about my other friends, simply because of the depth of our friendship and the time that we've had to cultivate it through our experiences together. I realize that completely removing his presence from my life would be disastrous, and would cause a lot of damage to my emotional state.

But I'm seeing that I can no longer take everything into my hands, for it gives me too much stress to try and make people want to be my friends and spend time with me. They have to want it, too, and on their own terms. So this is my message to Matt: if you really want me around and in your life, I need to know it and see it. I need proof. I'm not making the effort anymore to keep you around; no, it's your turn. You know that I would be there for you no matter what...but I'm not guaranteed to stick around when I feel I have no place to be as your "best friend." Don't prove me right.