So much...

Crazy times, y'all.

This has been quite a week for experiences. Singlehandedly, I had the most life-changing, eye-opening two hour experience of my 23 years Wednesday evening. I had the pleasant opportunity to attend a seminar given by David Coleman, aka "the real life Dr. Hitch." For those of you who have seen the movie with Will Smith, you'll know who I'm talking about. The seminar focused not only on dating questions and issues, but also touched on relationships, both with your significant other and your friends. David Coleman talked about how true friends are never jealous of each other, and that they don't keep score in a friendship (like who does what and when). He also said that in a true friendship, there are never secrets between friends because honesty is always present.

I must admit I felt guilty and weird as he talked about friendship and knowing whether yours are true or not. Everything he was describing seemed to be the exact opposite of a situation I have with a friend currently. I was so confused at this point, so I stayed after to talk to him. I asked him what one can do in a situation like mine, because I'm having trouble deciding what the best course of action is. His words? "As long as you have feelings for someone, you can never be his or her friend." All of my other friends have been saying pretty much the same for a while. I don't discount anything that my friends tell me as advice, I know they all have good reason in saying what they do. But for someone who doesn't know me or the situation behind the question I asked, his simple advice was overwhelmingly right. As long as there are feelings present, you can't be friends with the person that you have them about, for they always run the risk of disrupting the friendship. (And furthermore, ruining it.) As for people needing others to be their friends; it's not a matter of needing them to be your friends, it's always a matter of wanting them in your life as your friends. Needing someone in your life is equal to making them an object, instead of a person.

And then my thoughts have been further confirmed by the past few days. It makes me realize that it's time to stand up and take charge or be prepared to be walked on again and again. (The idea of which I'm not too fond of.) I'm kinda glad that I'm going home for the summer, at least I won't have to deal with this crap on a daily basis anymore...

I'm just not going to make the effort...it's not worth the time or pain. If you want me, you know how to reach me.

So I found this beginning of a story lost in the archives of my old blog, and was delighted. I think I'm going to try to finish it, read what I have so far if you like and tell me what you think!

Thanks!

September 27th
You don't realize how alone you are until you say goodbye.

October 20th

It's been twenty three days since you died. With each day that passes, things get a little better, but every now and then I find myself slipping. Like yesterday.

I went by Sutton's and ordered a peanut butter shake. I went to grab two straws before I remembered and my hand dropped to my side. The shake didn't taste the same. I ended up throwing it away as I kept walking down Franklin Street. I know you would say it was a waste.

I sat on the Caldwell Monument and watched people pass by until it was dark and fireflies started blinking. I caught one and made a wish before it flew off into the night. You know I still make silly wishes.

I have a Spanish test tomorrow that I haven't studied for, nor given much thought to. Everyone was real nice giving me a break for a while, but I think my time's up and the sympathy is wearing off. Senora Poston will fry my ass if I don't start paying attention in class, much less start speaking in Spanish again. So it wasn't any surprise that there was a voicemail on the phone from my advisor. He wants to see me at 11 tomorrow, to "discuss my career plans," which is really just bs for telling me to shape up.

Nobody understands what it's like. They all smile sadly, pat my arm, and tell me that everyone suffers loss, but there has never been a loss quite like you...how do you go on after losing half of yourself? It feels like I've lost a part of my soul and I can't get it back. And no one will ever understand.

October 22
So I went to my advisor meeting yesterday. It went sorta like this:

Advisor: How are you doing today, Jamie?
Me: (mumbles) Fine.
A: (grimaces and then picks up my file from his desk) Well, I wanted to discuss with you your career plans. Have you given any thought to what you would like to do with your major after college? You're a geology major?
M: Last time I checked I was.
A: Uh, yes, well, what do you want to do, Jamie?

M: I wanted to study rocks and be a vocanologist, but now I dunno anymore. I thought I had till the spring to figure out all this out.
A: Yes...but Jamie, I'm worried about your performance... (there it was, that pause.)

M: ?
A: I've gotten reports from your professors--your grades have slipped considerably since the beginning of the school year. Since the beginning of September, to be specific.

M: (I shrug and say nothing)
A: Now if you're having trouble with the subject, you know you can go to tutoring...
M: I know it just fine.
A: Jamie...I know things have been...difficult since your tragedy--

M: You don't know anything.

A: I know that if you don't improve, you'll lose your scholarship...and quite possibly flunk the semester. I've seen too many good students who had to leave the university because of troubles, but I don't want you to be one of them. You're a good kid, Jamie. You deserve something solid right now, and staying at UNC is the best thing you can do for yourself.

M: (as I gather my stuff) Is that all?

A: (looking baffled) I guess it is...

I leave before the guy can say anything else. I didn't think that the budget cut at UNC was so bad they employed shrinks to tell us what classes to take, too.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=tarheelpoet

If you feel inclined, you should check out this link. Tell me what you think (you don't have to put your name if you don't want to!) Thanks for looking! :o)

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I got all excited this morning when the mail came, because there was a HUGE envelope from NC State. (Those of you who've talked to me recently know how fervently I've been waiting to hear something from State about graduate school.) So my heart rate went up and I thought that this could really be the moment I've waited over a month for. But sadly, it was a University Housing packet for my roommate Kristy, who just got accepted into the Veterinary School program over there. I was very very sad to see it was addressed to her, it really put a damper on my day's mood. And it wasn't like she needed that information anyway, she's living in a townhouse off campus in Raleigh! Boo on her for getting me all worked up over nothing.

I really hope I don't have to wait too much longer for news from State. I don't know how much waiting and stress I can take. Grad school is the one thing I'm waiting on so I can figure out how my life will play out for the next year, and quite possibly the year after that, too. If indeed they take two months before they'll get back to you about grad school, then my two months are almost up (I applied the first of March). Although they did tell me when I called last week that they currently had my application in hand and were reviewing it "as we speak." I hope the Curriculum & Instruction office assistant wasn't snowing me...

In the midst of everything else, it is important to remember to keep going. In the days after yesterday's terrible tragedy at VA Tech, people will try to unite, remember, and rebuild from what has happened. A lot of tough questions have already been asked, and will continue to be asked as authorities uncover more information about what led to the shootings. Perhaps in hearing this information, we will all be able to find a little peace.

I attended the vigil for the victims of the attack last night, and it was a very moving and surreal experience. Several hundred people were in attendance, and it made me happy to see our Carolina community pulling together in support of the Hokie community hundreds of miles away. It's good to know that distance nor rivalries keep us from all being human. The sight of a couple hundred candles shining in the night, illuminating somber faces deep in thought and prayer, was definitely one that gave me chills. My brother said that he felt the same way attending a similar vigil at NC State last night; it was an experience he would never forget. The only thing that upsets me is the fact that there have to be vigils for one thing or another; it just reminds me that bad things still happen in the world, and to innocent people who are undeserving of it. If we could go through life without having to plan vigils for rememberance of a tragedy or funerals for those tragically taken from us, then I know we would all be a lot happier.

I am angry at those who are turning the VA Tech tragedy into a political debate over gun rights and which candidates are the ones ideal enough to stop this from happening again. I think no matter what laws we do or don't pass, there are still going to be people out there that will do just what the gunman did at VA Tech Monday: hurt and kill innocent people. Underneath every slice of blame that people lay on an issue is the fact that people do this to each other, without any help from politics. Ever since Cain first took up his hand against Abel and killed him, there has been violence existing in the world, and it will very likely be the end of our humanity as we know it. I don't really see any way that we'll get people to stop fighting against each other, killing each other, and hating each other--unless perhaps we just removed that part of everyone's brain to eradicate those violent impulses. I just hope that we can learn from what has happened, as well as grieve and remember those involved, so that they will not have died in vain.

The words of this song from Nickelback say it very well:

"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died."

I would like to see that day, perhaps only when it comes time for me to meet my maker.

(I sincerely hope that the power will be on at my apartment later today, I'm tired of having to mooch off of my friends so that I can have light, heat, and warm showers! Come on Duke Energy...)

Grieving for Virginia Tech

The tragedy at Virginia Tech yesterday has been weighing heavily on my mind since I first heard about it. The power was off in our apartment, so I didn't even hear the news of what was going on until I set foot in the Student Stores on campus and saw a huge crowd of people gathered around the tv in the Ram Shop. I panicked when I saw the news report; I have a friend who was intending on going with his fraternity to Virginia Tech this coming weekend, and the news just made my heart drop into my stomach. I only know one person at VA Tech, my old community director and boss, Matt Grimes. I believe that he is okay, and hope that the campus will be able to recover and heal from this tragedy. Having been to VA Tech to visit the beautiful campus recently, it is hard to imagine that something like this could happen in such a tranquil environment. A friend of mine mused on how she couldn't imagine something like that happening here. We have had our own tragedies here at UNC, with the shooting incident on Franklin St about 10 years ago, and last year's Pit incident, but to have someone infiltrate your campus and senselessly murder 32 students/faculty is something I cannot even fathom. Nor can I imagine how everyone at VA Tech is dealing with this. I pray that they will find peace in the coming days and weeks, and that as a community they will heal and go forward. For the families and friends of the victims, I pray for peace to heal your hearts. Know that you are not alone in your grief and suffering--all of the rest of us are grieving and remembering with you. This is the time where we put aside our "college rivalries" and embrace the knowledge that today, we are all Hokies.

I hate playing the waiting game, always waiting to hear what's going on...I've never been one for patience; my mom says I was impatient from the get-go, since I arrived a week early. But it's especially hard to be patient when you're waiting for important information that could make or break the next 6-12 months of your life...sigh.

It's interesting, weird, and sad how you can go from telling your best friend pretty much anything to not really having anything to talk about at all anymore. It makes me feel a little empty and inadequate above all, but also really gets you wondering about the depth of your friendship.

I have the window open in my room for fresh air, and tonight it poured down rain; it's the best kind of weather because I get horribly inspired to write some good angsty poetry. Or depressing poetry, whatever mood I happen to be in when I get that writing urge. It's funny though, I get in such a good mood about having that writing inspiration, but yet the results of that productivity are far from upbeat.

Here's a tidbit of what I wrote tonight, I will possibly expand the poem later when I gather more ideas...

Time

There was a time when
I could tell you everything
Now those moments are few
and far between
So much I've kept to myself
For fear of hurting feelings
and destroying dreams

I'm going to miss you
when I'm gone
But I will still love you all along.

Ange

Mon petit amour,
for you are but a twinkle in my eye
and there you will remain,
buried deep in my memories.
Mon coeur,
this was not the time for you
perhaps you knew better than I
that the moment wasn't right.
We would have not been ready,
and you deserve more than that.
Mon cher,
I hope you can forgive me
for the mistakes I made;
I didn't know.
Mon dieu,
please don't judge for the past,
I hope you will guide me
to a brighter future.
I pray that I would be stronger
and more prepared, in a different time.

Perhaps we might meet again someday;
two lost souls reunited, mon ange.